I feel more accepting of me recently. Maybe it’s summer or my post traveling buzz still lingering, or maybe it’s just me growing up a tad. But I’ve really been okay with my decisions recently, when in the past a layer of doubt and overanalyzing would keep me up at night. I've really enjoyed letting go of that layer. I feel lighter, and dance to my iPod more during my walk to work.
We grow up to think that there’s good and evil and a clear line between the two. We get older and see no evidence of this line. The line is blurry and we all challenge our own definition of good and evil every day. I refuse to think that someone is all good and all evil. What we learn changes and growing up means accepting that new definition on the other side.
My current evil:
hooking up with the Brit again who now has a girlfriend
spending a Saturday day eating corn dogs, drinking and other recreational drugs
missing a meeting at work to go on a job interview
urges to reconnect with the old BF (what? a dream told me to!)
My current good:
my new kickball team
Shabbat services on Friday nights
volunteering twice a month
Sometimes I’m truly amazed that this battle goes on inside of me. But it does, constantly. Neither side defines who I am. Both are parts of me and maybe it’s not even a battle but a constant up and down steady balance that just is? I don’t need to decide which one to be. Life isn’t about choosing between Pacy and Dawson...it’s about enjoying just having a choice.
What’s your battle like?