Just In Case Someone Asks

“What do you want?”

His words came over me like thick smoke. I knew there was no middle ground and no compromise that could leave us both sane. It was either wanting a little and left feeling unsatisfied or asking for everything and left feeling unsatisfied. How do I ask for love again when I stopped believing in it? It had turned into a fairy tale. Can I just tell him that I want tonight?

Will he understand that I just want a moment of peace without it ending in a question. Can’t he just take me in his arms, smooth down the stress in my neck and in one movement just attach on to me. It may not be fair or smart but why not just be with each other now because it’s needed. I don’t need him to follow me into the next day or carry all my thoughts.

I want him to just hold me now as if we both believed in forever.

And if you really think about just wanting that, it's not scary and it's not too much, it's real and it's enough.

Headache

I need a vacation. Work has been slow, I haven’t shacked up with the Brit recently and I have a new obsession which gives me headaches and I lose sleep over:

Trying to come to my own terms with love/relationships/marriage etc.

I really am too much into the theme actually and probably need therapy. And can’t stop reading articles like this.

I find it all fascinating the way coupling is going these days.

I’m slowly starting to believe that marriage is unrealistic, as is long term love. To believe in those things means you’re negating the fact that we evolve as individuals and our needs change. I can’t buy into the idea that one person could take care of my emotional and physical needs for the rest of my life. I’m not willing to sign my name on a legal document for that. It just seems silly.

A recent conversation with an old high school friend went something like this:

me- so you've been married about a year right?

her- yes, last summer.

me- why get married now?

her- why not?

me- cause you're 26.

her- we just knew.

me- but you're 26.

(awkward pause/ end scene)

So I’ve realized that really we’re here to fall in love as many times as possible and to have babies. Marriage isn’t needed for either. Another thing we are here to do is to say yes to dessert as many times as possible. But that’s beside the point.

What I’m struggling with is accepting this new realistic idea without becoming cynical and jaded. An old coworker/college friend just got engaged. Sure, I ‘liked’ her facebook status but am I going to call her up and say congratulations? Probably not because she’ll be divorced in ten years. See how easily and quickly cynicism just slides right in?

Another example- via text my Ex asked me out for a drink to catch up. I haven't been reaching out to him for a few weeks and giving only a few word answers to his emails/texts.

This is making him worried. He thinks there's something wrong and he wants me to vent to him. I sware men are like puppies, it's amazing.

Though rum was involved the night of his text, I did write back-'No, you aren't my therapist.

I'm not going to bother you with my personal life'

He claimed that I wasn't a bother and reaffirmed that he was there for me if I needed him.

On my end, there was tequila involved after the rum so the text conversation ended after that. But of course I got a cat youtube video from him the next day. Seriously men- just, use your words!

Anywhoo, in short- I clearly have no idea what I want from him at this point so for my own sanity I'll continue to keep him at a distance. I need to see the Brit ASAP so I remember what it feels like to be a woman and a new crush would be great right now.

Pull Me Through

We were exiting out of coat check. I wasn't as drunk as I should have been. I did extra sake and extra tequila.

I should have been feeling better.

I thought back to the past few hours.

I had let go, didn’t I? For a few moments before having to pull back. A friend had scolded me quickly and said I had to pull myself back in. I was being too aggressive in my dancing space. I was being too obvious, she said, and I should calm down so I didn’t bang into people intentionally.

That is what I wanted though. I wanted to bang into them, so they shoved into me, and for one quick moment, I almost had an excuse to really let loose. I could bend my elbow back and really just snap forward. I was so close. I wanted to let it all out tonight. So close. But I held it in. Clearly I'm not burning enough calories in spin class and my agression is pleading.

I hate that I saw him tonight. I wasn’t drunk enough, though I tried really hard. Even after sake and tequila, he still manager to get into my head. I had been going out and battling the social scene for almost 2 years and tonight there he was.

In my desperate, foggy imagination, I pictured him standing in front of me. He was a barrier and protected me from the crowd. His hand slid towards mine and he brought me through the turmoil.

The fluorescent lights dimmed down and all I saw was him. And after a few minutes, I wasn’t sure it was him.

It was someone else leading me through the crowd, but no one from my vicinity. Once I realized that, I got a headache and sobered up. Who I was looking for, wasn't here at 2AM.

My friends asked what was wrong as they noticed my dazed look but I explained that I was tired.

Why now? I used to be so good at this. At just letting go and giving into the beats and the smog around me. Why did someone need to show up now?

I think I know why...and I wish I could control it more.

It’s getting colder. The holiday season is entrapping us. Whether I realize it sober or sleeping... this year, I need someone to lead me through the crowd sooner rather then later.

Open Mic

He kissed me again. The kind of kiss I had needed for weeks, without even realizing it. But a few moments later as he kissed me harder, there were tears running down my face. With each press of his lips on mine he was filling another inch of empty space that had been dug within me.

So many times I had silently hoped his face had turned and he’d pick me. He’d reach for me without hesitation and he’d admit, that everything he’d done and worked towards had solely been towards me.

Wouldn’t it be great, idyllic actually, if after all these years, I was what he needed.

The thoughts kept swarming forward and cramming onto each other. And he kept kissing me. His fingers pulled tighter to my hair and his hands rounded deeper over my skin. He was a drug I couldn’t say no to.

Keep going, was all I could think of, but didn’t say, give me more.

My mouth reached but my eyes kept pleading with tears.

Just say it. Please. Now is the time to say it. Those three words.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was close to true?

The truth is my best friend came out with me tonight and witnessed the full interaction. After three years of me trying to explain it. She met him and saw the scene.

She asked: Is your Sir flirting in front of you?

I explained: he wasn’t mine.

She said: He seems to have these very unattractive women around him at all times. It’s kinda gross.

Me: I know. I consider them his fans. Lower, unattractive, stupid beings. I’m above them all, I explained.

Her: And yet he dotes on you...offering drinks and giving you compliments.

I had another sip of my beer, it is what it is. I said. I know what to expect. His behavior isn’t shocking. I know how to protect myself. He’s not going to change. This is it. Men don't change.

Her: So why do you bother coming out to his events?

Me: Because I’d rather take this then nothing. I’ll hang on to is friendship, his connection and contact, rather then nothing.

I'll explain it again, my mother saw one picture out of twenty five years of marraige to describe as being 'happy'.

If you thought you were close, at twenty-six, gravitating towards contentment- whether it was with an ex, karaoke, casual sex, a job, an old friend, fried food, bad TV, a good book,...wouldn't you just go to it without question? Wouldn't you just say yes and let the questions come later?

After all, we're only here this one quick time.

Why not just roll with it all.

Now Up To Date

No word from C since I texted him a week ago. He’s done. Thanks for the notch in my belt though. Overall Sir you get a B- you liked the same movies/ music I do, enjoyed beer as much as I do, and lasted at least 25 minutes in bed. Thanks for the triple crown that one night at your place!

The Brit texts/booty calls me once every few days. I had lady troubles last week so I should be itching to get into the sack with him but his apartment just feels too far away and I need to wash my sexy underwear. So that’s on hold.

The ex and I email/text almost every day. I’m seeing him tomorrow night at a panel event. I’m not overanalyzing this one folks...let me tell you:

It’s pretty simple, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me.

I was with my mother this weekend and we were going through old family albums. She found one picture and pointed to it ‘We were happy then.’ was all she said. The end of twenty-five years of marriage and she could only point to one picture in the whole book.

Like I said, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me. It’s as simple as that.

He’s in the present and right now, consistent. So I’m giving myself a pre holiday break and enjoying the friendship with no other assumptions or worries. Pain is inevitable, whether it’s now or in twenty-five years. So I’m dipping in and enjoying the now.

And don't worry, a friend is setting me up next week. Give me a little credit, I haven't let go of the reigns just yet.

Hope and Tricks

I’m feeling that pull towards cynicism again. It's a nightly battle and it’s yelling at me over and over again the same old shit that’s been polluting my head for years.

Maybe I can fight back if I watch more Disney movies and less zombie thrillers.

I texted C tonight:

I feel like this is slowing down. Do you still want to hang out with me?

Not exactly poetic I know, but there had been no effort on his part to see me again since our date last week. I was tired of wondering and doing all the work.

No answer, is my answer.

Here’s what I’ve accepted recently.

Men don’t change. Not after 2 dates and not after 25 years.

If he kisses bad now, he’ll kiss bad then.

If he texts you, he’ll never call.

If you feel any doubt now, well, you’re screwed overall.

I see what I want in front of me...but it’s in his eyes, with his words, but his looks and his touch.

I’ll take the smile from that day, with the kiss from that night, and the dance from then, but the midnight walk from over there.

I’ll get that feeling back again. The rush and giddiness that lasts more then a lunch break.

The men I have now in my life...are all too far away.

And their parts are too broken to turn into anything whole that I could ever want.

They show me just quick glimpses of the guys that could be worthy of me... as if they all are OK playing with half a deck, pretending it’s full.

The ex can’t open up.

C can’t communicate.

The Brit can’t keep his pants on.

Come on boys. I’m right here. And I’m amazing.

Tuck in your metaphorical balls and step up to the plate.

I deserve your full swing.

No matter what- no matter how many times one of them walks away, doesn’t say what I want to hear

or looks at me like I could be any one of ten girls.

I have proof though that a man can win me over and take down my walls.

He can make me feel more like me.

He can look me in the eyes and make every atom in my body tingle.

There’s proof, because it’s happened once. So now it’s science. It’s just a mathematical equation.

A tricky one apparently, that not even Matt Damon could figure out quickly, but it can be completed.

It can happen again, even after these 3 strikes.

Hell, even the movie Once is coming out with a sequel.

Wine + Beer + the ex

Alright, I know what you're thinking..and no, nothing scandalous happened.

I was looking forward to a night in with Chardonnay last night.

Much needed decompression was in order.

The ex texted me earlier in the day telling me he was going to be in my neighborhood for an old coworkers bday party.

I said 'have fun'. Then he said I should come meet him. I texted back and said maybe I'd be around later.

I wasn't about to throw in my Saturday night solo date for him.

I started relaxing and drinking. The bottle got lower. 11PM he texted me asking if I was going to come by. I turned off Lifetime, blasted some music and dressed as sexy casual as I could.

When I got to the bar I found him talking to another couple.

He introduced them to me as married friends from college. He introduced me to them, as an old coworker of his. Charming, right?

I stared at him for a few seconds and then he ordered me a beer.

We all talked and drank till about 2am when the other couple left.

It was around this time I realized I was drunk but still got another beer.

I ended up telling him about some family stuff going on.

I broke my own rule. I had always wanted to keep it light, keep him at a distance. Don't put my weight on to him.

I immediately changed the conversation. I was starting to slur.

Charming, I know.

I was at the point of drunkeness where I was only reacting to things happening and no longer connected to my thoughts. You know that point right?

When you get more quiet and less reckless. Reckless would've been three beers less and tequila.

I wanted to talk about the Whiskey incident but those words were somewhere in my beer.

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He texted me later saying how good it was to see me. I didn't respond.

Don't worry. I'm not sucked in.

Sooner rather then later I'm going to close this chapter.

Another make out with him would be nice though.

That's all I want at this point.

But in the mean time, it's nice to get the free beer.

Tomorrow night, I see C. It's been 3.5 weeks.

That chapter will either close after tomorrow or be extended. Stay tuned.