Surprise Me

You know what’s great? Fan-fucking-tastic even? The ability to go away for a weekend and laugh about getting angry drunk off of too much tequila (ahem, and beer, and vodka) and yelling at a guy for telling you that you’re too old to bar make out.

What’s better? During that same weekend reaching your goal of buying a fabulous obnoxiously big floppy summer hat, spending hours in book stores with your new best friend and napping without guilt.

I can top it...the ability to surprise yourself when you don’t know that you needed to.

Like giving your notice to a company after three years, that is begging you to stay. But you know you’re making the right decision to leave.

Suddenly, I stand in the hallways at work and get flashbacks to the fall of senior year of high school. Suddenly, I'm ready to see a different set of leaves change color and leave these ones behind.

Always leave them wanting more, my mother says. Which really can be applied in and outside the bedroom. For me though, it seems to work better out rather then in with the men.

I gave my notice today to take on a job that I wasn’t looking for. It may be the biggest, most intimidating challenge and yet the most risky, necessary step I could’ve taken at 26.

I mean, my company is clearly running low on quirky men who want me so it’s time to shuffle along anyway. (pause for laughs)

My father says this is the most excited I’ve sounded in ten years and the money doesn’t hurt either. My mother says well at least you won’t see the old BF anymore. So really, it’s a win win from both parties.

This is where I will grow. Whether I succeed in it or fail out of it. This next step is mine and it’s sculpting me more as an adult. Why I’ve never felt more adult? Because instead of letting the fear of the unknown halt my next move, I’m letting it push the adrenaline through me. I’m accepting the fear and that failing big is a part of life.

I’m the girl who told the guy she loved she wasn’t happy, the girl who kissed her crush, the girl who demanded a challenge when she was bored at work, and now I’m the girl whose rocking her own boat to see what’s next.

Next chapter please. I’m ready.

The Good and The Bad

I feel more accepting of me recently. Maybe it’s summer or my post traveling buzz still lingering, or maybe it’s just me growing up a tad. But I’ve really been okay with my decisions recently, when in the past a layer of doubt and overanalyzing would keep me up at night. I've really enjoyed letting go of that layer. I feel lighter, and dance to my iPod more during my walk to work.

We grow up to think that there’s good and evil and a clear line between the two. We get older and see no evidence of this line. The line is blurry and we all challenge our own definition of good and evil every day. I refuse to think that someone is all good and all evil. What we learn changes and growing up means accepting that new definition on the other side.

My current evil:

hooking up with the Brit again who now has a girlfriend

spending a Saturday day eating corn dogs, drinking and other recreational drugs

missing a meeting at work to go on a job interview

urges to reconnect with the old BF (what? a dream told me to!)

My current good:

my new kickball team

book club

Shabbat services on Friday nights

volunteering twice a month

Sometimes I’m truly amazed that this battle goes on inside of me. But it does, constantly. Neither side defines who I am. Both are parts of me and maybe it’s not even a battle but a constant up and down steady balance that just is? I don’t need to decide which one to be. Life isn’t about choosing between Pacy and Dawson...it’s about enjoying just having a choice.

What’s your battle like?

Poem: BBQ Fest

An update is coming soon. But in the meantime please enjoy this quirky poem by me inspired by the annual Big Apple BBQ Festival that took place this weekend.

It's about how simple reoccurring events in our lives remind us of the good and bad times when we least expect it. Enjoy!

Two years ago,

you paid and we sat with your friends.

We went back to my apartment,

napped, had sex

and went to your apartment.

We ate, had sex and went to bed.

You made me vanilla coffee in the morning.

Last year,

we were friends.

You invited me to join you.

I said I would.

But I couldn’t leave my apartment.

This year,

I walked past.

And didn’t think of you until later.

We aren’t friends.

Now, I hope you’re happy,

and banging a fatty whose bad in bed.

Down in front

I have a friend whose amazing at quieting my occasionally enraged ego and bringing me back down to earth. I've been a little on edge getting back into the groove of things after experiencing such a big, outer world for 10 days. Now I'm back in my inner, focused life, where everything is as I left it. And I'm realizing I need to take slightly more control of how things are. Letting go of some baggage and getting more of what I want. Parts of my life outside of work feel like there's no there, there. I'll admit, mostly social aspects and in my love life. I want to feel filled constantly, not just 10 days at a time with a passport.

My friend reminded me today that what we have now and currently are is the blessing we should appreciate. Everything else is extra and doesn't need to be focused on. The 'But I wants' and 'Shoulds' are just us battling ourselves. The head fighting the heart.

Too many times we're given blessings to be thankful for that we can't see right in front of us. Like the story of that guy whose town is flooding and he's waiting for a miracle to be saved and he doesn't see all the chances that are in front of him. The truth is that our happiness is left in the hands of us. We get handed toilet paper over and over again, but most of the time we don't realize it and it's only us that can wipe our own ass.

There's what we do and not do, what we ask for or wait for, happy or accept part of sadness. All one common factor- the self.

I've been catching up on the blogs and my own life since I've been away and everyone seems to be unhappy with what's in front of them. Pissed off at friends, left by loved ones, overlooked at work. What are we missing that we can't lead with our hearts and go after what we want to be content with what we have and are?

Turn Up The Radio

I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time. Strong and pretty and confidant and good at my job. And of course when one part of your life is good, the others...need work to balance things out. Nothing new happened with mg. At work there’s never a time to talk and I feel like we are different people when we are together outside of work. I don’t see this as a bad or mean thing, it’s just that we don’t work together on the same projects and there’s never really time to flirt. So it’s mostly radio silence during the day unless I shout out to him every time he goes to the bathroom. Awkward.

He left work before me tonight and lingered. I didn’t say much cause I was in work mode. I texted him when I left the office a half hour later and said ‘Just left the office, want to grab a beer?’ Radio silence.

Luckily, I’m on vacation starting now for 10 days and venturing to Berlin with a small tour group. My thoughts will be about beer and men and a language I don’t know in a City I don’t know and I can’t freaking wait! THIS is the environment I live for. I know no one on the trip and can’t wait to exercise the inner me!

I will leave mg and work behind for 10 days.

It’s silly really. He’s given me no real reason to fall for him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet or calling me every hour. He has yet to really use my number.

And yet, here I am, fallen. And I wish it was for a guy who was really fully there, deserving of my feelings. It’s just so much nothing...and my feelings are being wasted. Though I love the flirting and the random kisses and another reason to dress well, but I miss the return feelings and the certainty of being liked.

I miss feeling close with winks and smiles and inside jokes. I don’t miss the old BF but I miss the proximity I was able to have. If it’s not going to happen with mg then it’ll be someone else. I just wish they were here already. Because I’m ready.

I want to mentally kick myself again. Because even though I keep reminding myself to let this crush just be a crush, I checked my cell about a dozen times after I hit send. Why is it that even though when our brains know the reality, our hearts still like to play the game even though the other player is barely there?

Perhaps less tequila...

It happened again and yes, tequila was involved and we were out in our work group including the old boyfriend. The night had been filled with back and forth smiles and him occasionally putting his hand on my back and letting it linger. I’m not sure if anyone saw but I felt a constant pull to him. I don’t know if I leaned back into his hand, but I should’ve.

At one point him and my old BF were standing side by side, MG is taller. When I realized this I couldn’t help but smile. MG glowed in comparison and I saw gold coins click above his head.

The old BF reminds me of Marty McFly fading away in Back to the Future 2. And I’m really okay with that. It’s amazing to look at someone and not care what they say or do when sometime ago that same person made or broke every moment of my day. Who da thought?

So the night went on and more beer was had and then it was just the two of us sitting on bar stools and leaning towards each other. It again, felt like a fuzzy combo of a date and a drinking buddy.

At one point he said ‘So tell me everything about you.’

I said ‘I don’t like coconut.’

I’m a charmer, what can I say? I’m not ready to open up to him. I want to and there’s so much I could tell him and Iet him actually be there and be whatever he’s going to be.

But a couple of things- he doesn’t contact me outside of work and he hasn’t asked me out one on one. We haven’t talked about the make out on Cinco de Mayo.

I wanted to bring it up the other night but the words never left my mouth. The night ended with him walking me home and yes... we did walk one block in the wrong direction due to the fuzziness from tequila, but we made it. In front of my apartment we kissed a few times but not made out. It was different this time...it felt more polite then anything else.

What I want next- one on one time with less drinking.

What will happen- more smiles across the office and me waiting for him to make a move, hoping we don’t get stuck in the friends zone. Perhaps I need lower cut shirts?

Never Be

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl who'd squeal when a guy would kiss her ...until he did. This kiss was sweet and nervous and I'll take it a dozen more times. And thank you and the powers that be, but it was from him- reaching down to me and kissing over and over again. My heart melts. And I really don't care what happens next. We could forget it all but I'd still have that moment of slowly reaching in, slower. I couldn't have written it better and I love writing. All of a sudden we were inches and we smiled, and we were closer, and then I ducked and smiled and he did the same. Over and over again. Until, he kissed me. And I pulled back in surprise and reached in for more. And we both blushed and realized what happened.

It's in writing now...no matter what happens, I'll take tonight and be so fucking happy about what happens next, I'll take an inch. Any inch.