All The Right Stuff But...

Of course there's always a but, my friends. I don't believe in perfection but can't things be good for a little while without a big old but at the end?

I'm inches away from my new position where I'll grow and mature into this amazing role. But the girl my who my bosses offered my old position to, declined so now we're back at square one. I can't move up until they replace me. It's been over a month. Probably another month to go. I'm so ready for this new position I can taste it. It's like I'm sitting at the dork table, looking around and seeing an open spot with the cool kids. Torture!

I've found this really cute, quirky British fling but he's not really good at giving back if you know what I mean. And actually, hasn't...at all. I saw him last Thursday night after an open tequila-only bar at an industry party. We met at my place, hooked up and he left. I was more randy as he was leaving then before he got there. Any advice on how to get the control back on a midnight booty call? Damn tequila and accents!

I've finally found an okay balance with my old boyfriend at work and barely take him into consideration anymore. But he still invites me out with his friends, and even after I decline, he feels the need to text me on a Saturday night saying that I didn't miss anything fun. Can some guy decode this for me? Because even if I declined plans with a girlfriend I wouldn't expect her to give me a report in the middle of the night. Confusion, again!

I've been going through some family drama recently. Which really isn't any different from a day that ends in 'y'. The last time these matters arose my old bf was around...so now I put my walls back up to protect myself and gain strength to get through all of it, especially as the holidays approach this is what I have to do. I can't help but think, why can't he be here now to rip the walls down like he once did. I hate that I have to go through this shit alone again. I am stronger then before and more demanding and trying to keep the control in my family, but it's harder and more exhausting this year because my safety net is gone.

I'm worried that I'll spiral like I once did, right before I was with him. I kept my highs high and let my lows be low. And muddled with extra drinking and nights out in between. Nothing off scale, just enough for me to be off balanced. I'm worried but I hate it even more, that this somehow all manages to cycle back to him. My stress and vulnerability from my family, how I hold it in until a Saturday night comes around and let loose. How in the end it may have been him who saved me from the worst part of myself. How I wish in the end, it'll be him to still catch me when I least expect it.

I know what you're going to say, it's time I catch myself. I say back, that sometimes, even after three vodka ice teas on a Monday night, it's hard to play catch alone.

Grrr...

Do me a favor and tell me the stupidest thing you have ever done. I just realized that after living in a new apartment for almost 2 weeks now that I forwarded my mail to the wrong address. My apartment door faces the street, so I forwarded my mail to the street with the apartment number etc. I realize today...TODAY...that my address is actually on the avenue. And not the street. I feel like the biggest dumbass. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate looking back at when I used to think no doubt and then think 'Wow...just, wow. What was I thinking?'

Give me some perspective here...what's the biggest, worst, 'I'm a dumbass' moment you guys have had?

Oh damn

I blame the wine and lack of text from the Brit tonight...I joined JDate. And initially I thought I had cooly just signed up for a 1 month trial. But nope, I'm signed on for 6 long months of this. Luckily, mother assured me 1 week after being dumped by 'whathisname' that she would pay for JDate when I was ready. We never agreed upon the contract, thank goodness!

First guy I started chatting with tonight within ten minutes asked me what my type was and if I wanted to meet up for a date next week. I think he could hear my mental eye roll through the keyboard.

One word I used was 'adventurous' but what does that mean? Mountain biking and cliff diving? No. To me adventurous is trying a unique kind of sushi or venturing to a new neighborhood on a Saturday night. But random#1 of course won't get that, and I don't feel like explaining. Ugh! Maybe my cynicism and me shouldn't be plugged in yet...

I had no idea that online dating had 'flirting' and email prompts. I keep getting exclaimed messages in my inbox about my future matches. I've been 'viewed' and 'winked at' and 'flirted with' and been on a 'hot list'.

I've had 24 views and 6 IMs and 2 favors. Good god someone call the Rabbi and set a date!

Sorry for the sarcasm, again- I blame the wine! Where's the damn Brit?

Living For Me

Ok. Most important news is that I’m obsessed with the singer Ida Maria. Check her out ASAP and thank me later. I can’t stop listening to her CD and I immediately want to sing her music in karaoke. I’m sure my performance will be an insult to her but it’ll be a blast. She reminds me of Rachel Yamagata meets Florence and The Machine. I’m seeing Miike Snow this week, finally! I’ve been wanting to see them for a few years now.

I’ve officially moved in with my guy roommate, who I’ve known two years. We live in this 2 bedroom place that I can barely afford on the 20th floor, facing the east river. Waking up to that view everyday...well I don’t mind paying and still living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve waited a long time to live in a nice place that feels like my own. It’s not some dusty re-used craigslist apartment that I can’t spread myself out in. For the first time since I was 14, I feel like I’m not living in a dorm. My medicine is actually IN my medicine cabinet. Do you know how amazing that is?

When I tried to explain that to my roomie, he shrugged and just said ‘So, my stuff is in there too.’

I have a shelf in the closet just for scarves and linens and umbrellas. They aren’t shoved in a corner somewhere. They are organized and neat. It’s freakin amazing.

The choices I've been making recently have just been for and about me. What I really want and what feels good. No overanalyzing or making a pro/con list. I'm going for what makes me feel like me and actually really happy. No 5 year plan, and no getting stuck in the past. I've given myself a break. A perm vacation from trying to figure it all out right now. No more losing sleep over the things I can't control.

Couple things have been happening since I found this balance in my own life. I’m noticing how sucky and drama filled my friends lives are and have no tolerance in listening to them complain anymore. I have no tolerance for nodding my head and telling them what they want to hear, just so they can feel better about their decisions.

Examples:

My friend C, broke her lease in her apartment because she thought the apartment had bed bugs (never confirmed) and when she didn’t hear from the landlord right away she put a stop of her rent check and moved out over the weekend. Why she didn’t call an exterminator, I don’t know. Also her on/off again BF (told her awhile ago he doesn’t want that label) dumped her again. And she spent all of her savings on buying new, bed bug free furniture so now she has no money to go out. She invited me to come over and help put her new furniture together. My immediate answer was no, but I suppose I should suck it up and spend an afternoon helping her out even though I vowed to never help friends move/build things.

My friend L (the chihuahua) showed me her new eye glasses at work today. They’re these large cat-like vintage frames. I laughed when I saw them and when she asked if I like them, a loud No came out of my mouth. She called me a bitch but I didn’t apologize for it. It actually felt pretty damn good to say what I thought instead of squeaking out a ‘they’re very you/different/look great’.

I’m doing a lot less apologizing these days and ignoring the negative, shitty drama that comes in excess my way most of the time as I get stomped on. I’m emptying out the bad and for the first time, in a long time- deciding what I want to let in.

Only good stuff if I can help it. I’ll take this control and balance for as long as I can. We all know that it’s not going to last. As my dad says ‘Enjoy the good while it comes, but just know that while it’s here- there’s a pile of shit somewhere with your name on it.’

P.S. I shacked up with the Brit again last weekend. Did I mention that I’m REALLY enjoying this living for me in the moment phase I’m going through right now?

(big smile)