Duality

All movies, love songs and poetry I had seen and heard before had a new, fresher meaning. I finally got it, all of it. And I was happy.

I walked taller, well-- most of the time floated, and smiled uncontrollably. I was with this guy who adored me and I deserved every inch of that contentment.

There are rows and rows of warning signs that I see clearly now. But at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with not thinking or talking about the future. We were living our lives and enjoying one another.

Change happened though...gradually of course. So slowly in fact that it took me months to realize what was going on and I didn’t accept it fully till I was even farther away from the end of the relationship.

I started feeling a quiet distance forming with each date and weekend we spent together. A routine that turned into a slow dance that both of us tiptoed into. Nothing thrown off balance and nothing changing.

But slowly, I became less of a priority, less of a concern whether I was with him or not. He would be there with me, and yet I felt the kisses and refills of morning coffee were more a polite gesture then something he wanted. I felt like work, an obligation that he quietly got through. His energy dropped, his eyes sparkled less and we became two bodies that remained close but were miles apart. I didn’t understand what was happening and I didn’t know the words to explain it.

For weeks, as I took the train back to my apartment after spending another weekend with him, tears would stream down my face and I didn’t know why. An empty pit in my stomach began to grow but I still didn’t know what it meant. He had been driving the relationship for so long at that point, I didn’t realize that he had stopped looking where we were going.

I wasn’t the girl I used to be anymore. I didn’t know what it felt like to not have him two inches behind me or what it felt like to not float and have sparkling eyes. I knew what it felt like to feel alone when you’re sitting on the same couch as your boyfriend. I knew what it felt like to feel not loved on Valentines Day. I knew what it felt like to watch someone disappear right in front of your eyes. I knew what it felt like to be more consumed with this person disappearing then yourself.

And now months later, while I’m still learning to wake up in the morning and be okay with standing up on my own, sometimes I still look beside me and want him there.

I’ll want his hand reaching for mine or rubbing the small of my back. I’ll want his twinkling eyes to smile back at me or his fingers running through my hair. I’ll want him whispering sweet words in my ear, the just because flowers, or the coffee just the way I like it.

And then, like forcing myself to remember a bad dream, I’ll remember the space I felt between us in bed. Two bodies lying side by side, backs turned to each other and feeling the emptiness inside of me swell. I’ll remember him kissing me hello later and not first. I’ll remember finally asking him for answers but only getting sad eyes and defeatist shrugs in return. Him telling me that I deserve better and he’s lost and is only dragging me down. Even with those words, I didn’t understand what he was doing to me. He was letting me go because he didn’t know how to hang on anymore without pushing me away.

I’ll remember seeing the glazed over, tired look that took up his face as he apologized for only wanting to sit on the couch all weekend again. I’ll remember him simply saying that that was how he wants his life to be and me not knowing how to say ‘Well what about me?’

I’ll remember my heart not really breaking until months after we ended things because there was still a part of me that thought he’d come back.

I’ll always love the guy who dipped me in the rain and told me I amaze him everyday. I’ll love the guy who cooked for me and made my bed while I was in the shower. I’ll love the guy who let me open up and be a part of a we for a shining, twinkling moment.

I’ll always hate the guy who opened me up, but filled me with nothing. I’ll hate the guy who never said I love you. I’ll hate the guy who didn’t fight for me to be in his life. I’ll hate the guy who took too long to say ‘You deserve better’. I’ll hate the guy who turned into someone else who I couldn’t love.

And of course, there’s a part of me that will always love the woman I got to be when I was with him. And there’s a part of me that will always hate that woman for letting go of who I was to be with him.

Him Who?

Well after a night of eating my own body weight in delivery diner food, I physically feel less than stellar even after going to Spin class at 7AM. I apparently really like to out do my big accomplishments.

We all know I’m in the middle of transition- finding new job, new apartment. This is a given. Needless to say, with Saturday night included, my libido is on hold and I’m just focusing on numero uno.

After a day of ignoring the old boyfriend and focusing on work AKA a day that ends in Y, I go out to see the Scissor Sisters with L. By the way, I’m sure I’ve mentioned she’s more dramatic than a chihuahua and is the old boyfriend’s semi assistant. So if I’m not hearing about what the old boyfriend thinks about L’s newest drama, I’m hearing about the old boyfriend dealing with work drama.

I suck it up, and deal and listen. And smile and nod, and ignore the punches I feel each time I hear his name.

All I can think is, I don’t know who this man is anymore. I mean, I clearly know the obvious, general outline after having spent over a year with him. But he’s different now and we somehow (thankfully?) stopped being friends awhile ago. Now I look at him and I’ve reached some kind of turning point.

Though I’ll always wish for him to wake up and be the man he was. The man who was in love with me for a brief sparkling, dipping moment, I know that the man he was is gone. The man I fell for, is gone. Sucked up into his own ego and self pity and confusion. I’ve seen him recently, obviously, around the office, but unable to speak more than a few words before real emotions set in- and all I want to know is- is he okay?

The turning point- where the self satisfying emotions have dwindled for a moment, and you’re able to clearly see you’re ex and take a mental note. I see him now. He’s gained weight, never smiles and looks to have aged 10 years over night. He jokes about being an alcoholic and if/when he gets married/has kids. His eyes don’t twinkle. And at first, months ago- I thought it was me, adding pressure to his life and begging for a relationship he didn’t know how to be in. Now months later, and he’s the same tired, distant man.

All I want to do is ask ‘Are you okay?’

Not for the sake of me, I promise you- this time, it’s for him.

I'll Be Smarter In My Next Life

So the interesting part about going through a transition/exploratory time is that it doesn't necessarily mean that I make right decisions. In fact, during this time I'm probably going to make more bad decisions than good but I've been reading that slip ups and mistakes mean I'm taking risks. As long as I learn from them then they aren't all that bad.

And now I'll segue into a Saturday night beer-infused story. I met C at her apartment and caught up about her business trip. Then we met a male coworker of ours out at a bar in the neighborhood. We'll call him M. I've known him a year and is the kind of guy who looks and still acts like a boy. M is shy at work but is actually really funny when you get to know him.

I met some of his friends and did my best to not be shy or introverted. The beer helped. But it was nice to be out and socializing. C left and then M's friends left. So it was just me and M. Do you see where this is going? Me plus beer plus alone with a guy who turns out has a crush on me.

He grabbed me and kissed me at one point. And I ended up kissing him back for a few minutes but then stopped him. I realized quickly that he wasn't a good kisser- I blame his thin lips.

He was also quite drunk and I tried explaining to him that messing around with coworkers is a bad idea. He kept trying a couple more times to put moves on me but I just laughed it off and pushed him away.

I woke up this afternoon and slowly started to beat myself up over making out with M when I knew I didn't have feelings for him. I saw myself spiraling into my old loose hook up stage and feeling more and more shitty about myself. On to one night stands and guys who actually don't have feelings for me or know me but just want some ass. And I thought about the awkwardness at work that'll take place tomorrow and felt worse. Like I don't have enough crazy emotions to deal with at work already!

And then I stopped worrying and decided to give myself a break. I told myself that I still have control over this situation and all I did was kiss him and I didn't lead him on. I was honest to him and myself, and it felt really good. I control when happens, and I control my emotions. I'll treat M the same tomorrow as I did last week. And I'll continue my ME work and tomorrow is a new day!

Rocks, Me and Hard Places

Truths are harder to deal with then the lies we create for ourselves in order to feel more comfortable. Why is it that facing issues is so difficult? I’ve become a master at these lies. I have a layer thinly spread around myself that shields me. I tell friends what they want to hear when they’re dumping drama on me, I tell coworkers what they want to hear when they’re stressed out, I tell family members what they want to hear so they don’t worry about me. I stay in my light sing-songy voice and smile better than Mona Lisa.

But there are more and more signs, showing that the truths are coming to ahead.

Change is in the air.

Case and point: during a lunch break with L today I slipped and said ‘I can’t stay with this damn job anymore. I go to work just to be emotionally and financially a$s raped by the company’

She stared at me in shock for about five minutes and then asked me if I thought she had lost weight.

Before that I was telling her about a job offer I got to be an assistant on a talk show located one state over. I am absolutely thrilled to get a job offer in this economy and to work on a show again makes me so happy! And they want me to start right away!!

But wait, there are downsides- the work week is Wednesday-Monday, roughly 65 hours a week. I’d make overtime. But hello- my life would become my work, my work would become my life.

I’m not worried about not knowing anyone. I make friends quite easily.

I’m not worried about the commute. Worse case scenario, I move out there.

I’m excited and finally ready, to start a new chapter in my life. A new adventure and focus.

But I’m worried about losing my weekends and become detached from a balanced life. There are things that are ME-things that I do on the weekends. My book club and spin class and volunteer work. Oh, and brunch! I wouldn’t be able to brunch!

These are things that I cherish and value and need. And I don’t think I can give up, even if that means not yet starting my much needed adventure and change.

Am I silly to turn down a job because I like to brunch on Sundays?

Or am I just telling myself another lie by saying I should take what’s in front of me and learn to adapt?

If others can do this schedule then why not me?

Is this the change I’ve been looking for to help me grow or will it only end up shutting me down in insolation?

If I feel like I have nothing to lose and should go for it, then why do I feel like I still have things to give up?

In this journey to fill the ME, should I fight even harder to hang on to the little things that define me and not settle them for a job that just isn’t right for me? Or is taking a risk a part of learning about my limits? My head says one thing and my gut says another.

Learning

I used to think that your twenties are for learning and making mistakes. And I’d say that with such ease and simplicity. Like I knew what the fuck I was talking about.

Even though I went to my five year high school reunion jobless and have never brought a guy home for the holidays, I think I’m just starting to sort it all out.

I wish I didn’t care and overanalyze and constantly do a mental check in on myself. But let’s face it, I’m a Sagittarius and Irish twin so I’m doomed to be a quirky introvert.

Final case and point of how my mind works when I’m a tad scattered,

I’m reading three books right now:

The 30 Day HeartBreak Cure

Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman

We: Understanding Romantic Love

Enough said :)

I was in therapy after work today and through tears I told her how I had been feeling recently and updated her on family drama, the old boyfriend and my disconnect with work and friends. She told me that I needed to build myself back up and I won’t be able to handle the outside rockiness if my inside isn’t stable, and right now it isn’t. I agreed and explained my esteem is shot and right now, I have a hard time making eye contact with people.

I studied in London at 19 without knowing a sole and now I blush when my doorman calls me ‘bonita’. I’m the only one in my family who went away to college and now I can’t relax around my old BF because I think once I do, he’ll reject me...again. I’ve been working at least part time since I was sixteen and now the best part of my day is lying in bed in the morning, trying not to call in sick. Most of the time, I don’t-- but I want to.

Needless to say is, something is amiss in the state of Denmark...

So what I’ve realized after weeks, okay fine- months, of looking into the mirror and not recognizing the puffy, tired eyed girl in front me, is that your twenties aren’t just for making mistakes.

They’re for falling down, and for falling completely apart. They’re for losing everything and everyone you thought you knew and wanted. They’re for letting go when you want to and don’t want to. They’re for learning that fairy tales don’t exist the way you want them to.

They’re for disappointment and betrayal and flannel PJs and wine and staying in alone when you don’t have the confidence to go out.

Your twenties are for becoming a shell and learning how to fill yourself back up and put the pieces back together, not one day at a time- because some time that’s too much.

Right now, I’ll be happy with being refilled just one moment at a time. And then seeing how the next moment goes.

Now, just allow me to believe that I’m fucking right with this one okay? Don’t ruin it for me and tell me this bullshit continues into your thirties. Let me have this moment.

P.S. My therapist ended the session by mentioning next time we’ll talk about my father, since I never mention him and that may have something to do with me clinging on to my old boyfriend. I did about ten mental eye rolls and sadly handed over my copay.

Choice

It’s funny how much can change in a day. Mentally,I started off on edge and filled with nerves. I was shaking while I began to read ‘The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure’ and choked back tears as I read your comments out loud from my last post.

I had planned to take today off from work weeks ago, a just ‘because’ day. And it’s ironic that I did need today to gather myself from Saturday night's disaster. I woke up, again feeling numb and empty. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I had nothing planned. My biggest item to do- was getting coffee.

Then I told myself to put both my feet on the ground and realized how great a how shower would feel. My body still felt dehydrated from crying and drinking the last couple days, so being surrounded by moisture felt good.

Then I did a bunch of little things. I went to the book store (okay two). I went clothes shopping. I bought a new bookcase and put it together myself.I talked on the phone with a friend whose really pushing me to fulfill my desire to teach abroad.I bought a fuzzy seat cover for my toilet. I looked at sublets downtown online. I had matzoh ball soup for dinner. I'm realizing now, I spent way too much money today. Sheesh!

And now I get ready for bed and my gym bag is all packed for the morning. I know what I have to deal with tomorrow- getting a new blackberry, making it through the work day, and then a coworkers going away party which he’ll surely attend.

And I feel...I don’t know what it is. Calm? Less anxious? Not the need for a nap and a cigarette? And I really don’t think I’m trying to convince myself of this and actually believe, when I say- somehow just in the past day, I think I’ve accepted my old boyfriend as something in the past. I’ve slightly slipped to the front again to become the main focus in my life.

I’ve looked at my reflection and agreed that things are sucky all around, from job to family to friends. But I’m throwing down a challenge to myself- and I ask back to my swollen, puffy eyes, What are you going to do about it?

For the last six months (ugh, at least) I’ve been feeling one way. And now I choose to not feel that way. I’m mentally shelving my old boyfriend and cutting the string between us that I tied so tight with optimism. I choose to make changes, baby steps at first-- then don’t hold back. If I can quote Bridget Jones real quick.

“No. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American insect. I choose not. Instead...I choose vodka....and Chaka Khan.”

And since I really don't drink vodka all that much anymore, I made an appointment with my therapist just as backup.

Is it Over Yet?

So we finally met out for drinks last night, just me and him. I was nervous and giddy and way too excited. On my way out the door my roommate said to me 'it's your funeral' but I ignored him and enjoyed the bubbliness I hadn't felt in months. Any one smell heart break in the near future?

We talked and drank and laughed and it all felt so damn good. Way too good. Flash to five hours later and he was giving me a tight hug goodbye and in my slightly tipsy state I mumbled:

"It's hard not to feel things when I'm with you."

His reply was something like "I know me too, but I'm a train wreck."

I think all I did was say bye and walked away. About 20 minutes later I got a text:

him: It was good to see you.

my reply: Same here. Though I can't lie and wish things were different.

him: I understand but I hope you do too.

End scene. I spent the next twenty minutes throwing my work blackberry against my bedroom wall until it shattered into many, many pieces. And oddly enough it made me feel better. I woke up this morning feeling very numb with puffy eyes.

The truth is, I don't understand and I want to call him and say I thought we could hang out as friends, and I thought I could handle it. But I think I'm always going to be feeling more than you do.

What do you guys think? Should I leave it and be done with it or just call and put the final nail in this coffin?

Scatter

Last week when my friend V was still staying with me we decided to see a psychic. We each went in one at a time and handed over the $10 for the special reading. I went in first. The woman immediately mentioned two things- I'm smiling but I'm not happy. My mind is scattered.

She went on to say that I know how to hide my sadness well. And my mind has been having trouble focusing. She said I'm in a job that is fine, but I know that I want to be somewhere else, doing something more fulfilling. She said there's a guy in my life who I care about a great deal but we have trust and communication problems. She said he feels everything that I'm feeling but there's negative energy that is disturbing our communication.

It's all true. I leave work everyday and I have this deep empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't think any amount of therapy can fill. I know I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Living somewhere else- different neighborhood, different city? My gut feeling is that I know what's missing (ahem, him) and my life has been off balance and not the same since we ended the relationship. Like a part of me is just floating and I don't know how to tie it back down.

One day I'll want to pack up and just leave and move to Prague or Chicago. The next, I'll simply want to move 20 blocks downtown. One day I'll want to be in a nonprofit organization and the next I'll want to be a producer with an upgraded blackberry. One day I'll want to tell my old BF I love him still and know we should be together, the next I get angry just looking at him for abandoning me.

Being in the work environment is ruining any chance of a connection or friendship with him. It's all superficial and fake. And I get nervous and angry and sad thinking about how close he is and yet I have to play this role at work where I act like I'm fine with everything.

Couple things I know for sure, and so apparently does the psychic. I need to get out. I need to get out of my job, out of my apartment. I need to talk to my old boyfriend. I need to tie myself back together again and also stop chain smoking. Where did that old bad habit come from??