Thursday, April 15, 2010

White Man's Overbite

There are some days when I can conquer the world. I go to bed the night before, powered and ready to take on the next day. Everything is in my control and I will stand tall and be strong and say everything on my mind. I will say the things I am afraid to say because there's nothing holding me back.

And that's my usual mindset between 11:30PM-8:45AM. And then my day begins. By 1PM, I hate my job. Again. I sit in meetings and read emails and answer phones and talk to so and so, and I think, as I block out the words- what am I doing here. How soon till I can start smiling and nodding to make this person leave me alone? Is it starting to show that I don't give a shit? Are my sarcastic remarks starting to come off as bitchy?

Let me explain differently- I was at a bar a few weeks ago and I was talking to this guy, and if I had been three shots deeper, and not as depressed, I would've slept with him. But I'm not the girl I was two year ago, hell- three years ago. So I stood there, and I squinted at him. I had this very 'out of body' experience, where I realized I was squinting to try to see the situation better. To try to make it seem better. But then I stopped and ditched him while he went to pee, probably five minutes later he'd try to kiss me.

I thought to myself, if he paid me- I'd go home with him. I'd be a whore, but I've been watching a lot of 'Diary of a Call Girl' recently and don't think whoring is all that bad anymore. In either case, even though I would've been squinting while he was on top of me, at least I would've been making a profit. And that's exactly how I feel about my job.

But like I said, other days, I'm golden. Okay, maybe moments. Maybe all I need is a push. Two nights, two friends (yes coworkers, gasp) tell me

A. I should apply for X job, just do it.
B. Tell Him how I feel.

Of course I didn't apply for X job today. But tomorrow, tomorrow- I will talk to the boss of the other department. Because seriously, if I were a whore, I'd be making more money- so I really have nothing to lose but gaining anything more than being a non-whore. And soon, I will talk to Him and tell him I feel.

I know, I have nothing to lose- so I'll do it. It can't get any worse than week one. I look back, and I don't know how I did it. Fucking rockstar I am. You try to work in an open office the day after you break up with your boyfriend of one year and tell me how it goes. Me? ( well I am back in therapy ) but me? I did it. And I'm still standing, more or less.

See that? Empowered once again and it's not even 10:30PM.

1 comment:

  1. I think you are doing MUCH better than you are giving yourself credit for. Start with rock star and go from there :)