Friday, April 23, 2010

Heart Pains With Beer

I've never known heartbreak...but maybe it happens over a long period of time. And it's not an immediate cracking that everyone can hear. But it happens in pieces when you least expect it. The truth is, the heart breaks when it has nothing else to do, it's no stagnant and it's not growing. That's what happened tonight. He was there tonight, at the bar I was at. We all got a little drunk, but not enough for the flood gates of emotions to come pouring out. We shared a taxi to my apartment and then his train station, like the good old days. I guess that should be in quotes.

I let him talk during the ride and fill up the silence. He complained about lack of sleep and indigestion at one point and I said 'wow you never stop singing the same tune' and he didn't laugh. He explained the emails he's been sending me are due to his work schedule balancing out a bit more. To me, this means he's been bored.

A couple of times during the 15 minute cab ride he asked me how I was/what I've been up to. And per my strict therapist directions, I answered cooly, I'm fine, I'm good- thanks. He went on to describe some shows he's seen and he's going away out on a shoot Wednesday. All I wanted to do was yell out 'What do you want to hear? That I miss you? That I'm fucking miserable? What? Don't fucking email me when you're bored, don't you get it, you broke my heart!!"

But I can't. Because for some reason, I wasn't born with those set of balls, instead, after a night like this, of not enough beer and miles away from the closure I need to really move on, I end up crying, alone. And praying to god that this strong girl I used to be, will one day have the strength, even after miles of therapy, to say how she really feels.


  1. You are strong. He is not strong because he knows exactly what he's doing with the emails and small talk, and he does it anyway. They try to slowly pull you back in with those tiny shreds of BS. Feel better <3

  2. That last paragraph...that is where I saw so much of myself. I have been there. The situation is a little different, but I have so been there. You will find your way, it will take time but you will emerge from this. Hugs.