Trying to Turn The Page

I went to a book reading with my cousin tonight. He's a cousin I've seen maybe four times in the past three years and not once in the last one. And instead of going into the 'poor mees' and explaining why I've been so out of touch the past year, I didn't explain and relaxed.

I just had a nice night with him and listened to famous authors including Stephen Colbert read 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

Hell at the end of the night, I even had a slice of pizza and didn't feel guilty. We laughed, talked about Israel, books, movies, and overbearing Jewish mothers.

No talk of jobs or relationships- it was a fucking nice break.

My cousin isn't the only one I haven't seen the past year and lost touch with. Between my job and my old boyfriend, I lost probably a handful of close friends who either got legit mad at me for breaking plans or who just stopped trying. Rightly so. I'm not sure if I should try to ask for forgiveness or keep going. I might not be ready to fully explain how or why I lost myself.

I'm still getting to know the girl I was. The girl who wanted to finish the first draft of her novel five months ago, the girl who wants to get out of NYC, the girl who wants to be closer with her family and be in a job where she helps people. The girl who is always trying new things and doesn't turn down plans, the girl who loves making new friends and always looking for her next big adventure.

I don't know what my next chapter will be. Will it include him or not? I believe I can turn the page and not know. Argov says, I can and should. I'll finish her book and then maybe I'll believe her and push myself on.

Baseline

Argov is my new rule book and I will continue to follow it accordingly and not back down to be a doormat again. I am a cool, bitchy woman and I am fine without him.

(I now need to say that about ten more times)

BUT my ass apparently wants to contact him. I was walking over a to a friend's apartment last night to order takeout and as I was reaching in my purse to check the last text from my friend to get her apartment number, my hyper sensitive phone opened up speed dial and started sending him a blank text! I quickly hit cancel and it confirmed it didn't go through. Sigh of relief.

Less than ten minutes later, while I was updating my friend on the text-mishap Friday night (see previous post)...he texts me, and thus begins the scene:

Him: (7:19PM) Did you butt text me or is that a bad ass baseline?

Me: (7:23PM) Sorry, pocket dial.

Him: (7:25PM) Hoping for baseline.

And end scene.

In between this though, of course is me muddled and freaking out to my friend, trying to figure out what the hell a baseline is. We had no idea and looked it up and it's slang for start of communication. Am I the only one whose never heard this term before? One out of ten of my friends knew what this meant. Anyways language aside...

I followed Argov last night and played it cool, and instead of falling back into a bunch of one liner jokey texts that don't go anywhere, I closed my phone and said 'You know what, I'm having dinner with my friend, I'm not going to stop what I'm doing to get worked up as I spend the next hour decoding him."

And of course we talked about it for the next ten minutes and I called a couple guy friends for their thoughts. But I felt good about leaving it at that. No crying when I got home either :)

I'm really trying to wrap my head around the difference between holding back/playing games AND what Argov says- focus on yourself first and don't let your eyesight get blurry.

Today at work he was around the office a lot and sent me a couple emails, but I didn't respond right away and kept it short. I'm telling myself that it feels good to do this and focus more on myself (and ignore the whole massive loneliness factor), and maybe one day I'll have to stop telling myself that and I'll believe it without realizing it.

I have a friend who just got laid off and has mono. When it comes down to it, I know it's kind of bad to compare yourself to friends, but hell- at least I'm not her. The worst part- she got the mono from her brother. Wooh, I don't think Argov has a chapter on that one.

The Text Message that Wasn't

Scene: After he dropped me off in the taxi last night

Him: (2:51AM) Good to see you

Scene: This morning

Me: (11:29AM) It was good to see you too :)

Him: (11:43AM) Likewise :)

End scene

Outcome- me looking like an ass cause it looks like I texted first, though a laughable situation, I cursed cupid as to why he can't give me a freaking break for two seconds?

Necessary Outcome- him realizing he texted last night and feeling like an ass and apologizing for being such a drunken ass.

Heart Pains With Beer

I've never known heartbreak...but maybe it happens over a long period of time. And it's not an immediate cracking that everyone can hear. But it happens in pieces when you least expect it. The truth is, the heart breaks when it has nothing else to do, it's no stagnant and it's not growing. That's what happened tonight. He was there tonight, at the bar I was at. We all got a little drunk, but not enough for the flood gates of emotions to come pouring out. We shared a taxi to my apartment and then his train station, like the good old days. I guess that should be in quotes.

I let him talk during the ride and fill up the silence. He complained about lack of sleep and indigestion at one point and I said 'wow you never stop singing the same tune' and he didn't laugh. He explained the emails he's been sending me are due to his work schedule balancing out a bit more. To me, this means he's been bored.

A couple of times during the 15 minute cab ride he asked me how I was/what I've been up to. And per my strict therapist directions, I answered cooly, I'm fine, I'm good- thanks. He went on to describe some shows he's seen and he's going away out on a shoot Wednesday. All I wanted to do was yell out 'What do you want to hear? That I miss you? That I'm fucking miserable? What? Don't fucking email me when you're bored, don't you get it, you broke my heart!!"

But I can't. Because for some reason, I wasn't born with those set of balls, instead, after a night like this, of not enough beer and miles away from the closure I need to really move on, I end up crying, alone. And praying to god that this strong girl I used to be, will one day have the strength, even after miles of therapy, to say how she really feels.

White Man's Overbite

There are some days when I can conquer the world. I go to bed the night before, powered and ready to take on the next day. Everything is in my control and I will stand tall and be strong and say everything on my mind. I will say the things I am afraid to say because there's nothing holding me back.

And that's my usual mindset between 11:30PM-8:45AM. And then my day begins. By 1PM, I hate my job. Again. I sit in meetings and read emails and answer phones and talk to so and so, and I think, as I block out the words- what am I doing here. How soon till I can start smiling and nodding to make this person leave me alone? Is it starting to show that I don't give a shit? Are my sarcastic remarks starting to come off as bitchy?

Let me explain differently- I was at a bar a few weeks ago and I was talking to this guy, and if I had been three shots deeper, and not as depressed, I would've slept with him. But I'm not the girl I was two year ago, hell- three years ago. So I stood there, and I squinted at him. I had this very 'out of body' experience, where I realized I was squinting to try to see the situation better. To try to make it seem better. But then I stopped and ditched him while he went to pee, probably five minutes later he'd try to kiss me.

I thought to myself, if he paid me- I'd go home with him. I'd be a whore, but I've been watching a lot of 'Diary of a Call Girl' recently and don't think whoring is all that bad anymore. In either case, even though I would've been squinting while he was on top of me, at least I would've been making a profit. And that's exactly how I feel about my job.

But like I said, other days, I'm golden. Okay, maybe moments. Maybe all I need is a push. Two nights, two friends (yes coworkers, gasp) tell me

A. I should apply for X job, just do it.

B. Tell Him how I feel.

Of course I didn't apply for X job today. But tomorrow, tomorrow- I will talk to the boss of the other department. Because seriously, if I were a whore, I'd be making more money- so I really have nothing to lose but gaining anything more than being a non-whore. And soon, I will talk to Him and tell him I feel.

I know, I have nothing to lose- so I'll do it. It can't get any worse than week one. I look back, and I don't know how I did it. Fucking rockstar I am. You try to work in an open office the day after you break up with your boyfriend of one year and tell me how it goes. Me? ( well I am back in therapy ) but me? I did it. And I'm still standing, more or less.

See that? Empowered once again and it's not even 10:30PM.

Cheers.

Gutted

I was standing in the middle of a club tonight, one that I've been in before, it's been renovated at least twice- so even with the new gut renovation I know my way around and I see a flashback in each corner.

I was in the middle of bottle service with the D.C Nationals (random I know) and maybe I didn't pour myself enough free vodka and tequila, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't have another shot and throw my hands up in the air and dance with the music. I couldn't flirt with the baseball players and pray for a kiss and phone number at the end of the night.

All I could do, as my second drink was being poured as a friend asked if me and him we're still dating, was reply with an enthusiastic 'yes' and excuse myself to the bathroom. The funny thing is, they won't know I'm gone for another hour.

The taxi driver asked me if I had a good night and I gave him a positive reply. And then started to cry in the backseat. Seven dollars later, I got out of the taxi and my friends still haven't noticed I'm gone.

Some nights are better than others, I suppose. It's only week 7. But next time I'd rather save the cab fair and eyeliner and stay in on a Saturday. The D.C Nationals were high strung and egotistical. I told one of them I hadn't seen that many guys dancing together since middle school and he didn't laugh. Damn out of towners.

Truths and Whatnot

I think I'm done trying to figure my (ex) relationship out for awhile. I've had so many friends and strangers even, give me advice and tell me what to do, what not to do. But I don't think rules really exist when it comes to the formulas of relationships. Everyone is different and no two relationships are the same, so how can rules or suppose'tos apply?

I've realized a lot since we broke up. I would've started to resent him if we stayed together, if I hadn't come forward and said I was unhappy. Him and his downward slump was holding me back. I don't know if it's the 4 mile run outside I just finished or because I was out mosh-pitting till 2 AM on Thursday night with a new friend at a great show. But all the things I still want to do, whether they're weekly goals or a year away, I couldn't do with him. Sure we had used to do things, road trips and picnics and shows, but then that stopped. And life without life in it, just becomes...a long weekend bumming around on the couch. Which is nice every now and then. But I'm realizing that though I don't want to go out anymore and slam tequila like its Fleetweek '08, I am still the kind of girl who needs to go out mosh pitting and 9AM runs on a Saturday. That's the girl I like, and though I miss him terribly in every way, I know I was really starting to miss that girl even more.

So why not take this time to learn more about that girl then try to figure out where my (ex) relationship is going to end up six months from now? I mean, I'm saying this now, in this moment of clarity- flash to tonight and I could be knee up in beer and drunk texting him. But hell, after the last couple months, I'll hang on to the moment of clarity for as long as it lasts.