Be the Dragon

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the dragon which symbolizes magic and power and according the Mayans 2012 is the year the world will end.

Whether everything changes or we end in fire or ice, here’s what I’m going after- (feel free to chime in)

Professionally:

By the summer transfer to a different team at work.

Make more friends at work- introduce myself to the group of 20 something yr. olds who play Ping Pong down the hall from my office, and get my name added to the scoreboard.

Fun:

Go to Vegas in February with only single girlfriends and let my mischievous side out.

Go to Chicago when the weather gets warmer and visit my best friend. I’ve been saying I’d visit since 2004, it’s dragon time.

Get kissed more often.

Get highlights, brown is so 2011.

Love:

Fall in love again.

Get on JDate. Seriously, it’s time and mom will never stop asking until I do it. Any suggestions on a good username would be helpful!

Family:

Visit family every six-eight weeks.

Make sure cousins and new niece, and upcoming new nephew know my name as they grow up. I’m tired of being the one who went to New York and only visits once a year.

Make solid attempt to fix Dad’s relationship with his brother.

Health:

Drink loads of water everyday.

Get to the gym as often as possible- this means in the AM before work like I used to. I liked my body better then- it’s time to get rid of those eight annoying pounds I’ve had all Fall.

Smile often.

Daily dance parties.

Girl with a Book

I never used to understand people in bars, sitting alone with a book. It never looked right. Like, we all see you, trying to read in a crowded bar surrounded by booze. What exactly are you doing?

Today I was that girl. My favorite coffee shop was full so I found a near empty bar serving food around the corner from it.

The bartender was charming and cute. But married. To a girl who he admitted, just needed a green card. When you read the book 'The Marriage Plot' in public, such interesting conversations happen with strangers.

A few hours later, I was fed and a few gin cocktails deep. I didn't know it was a 2 for 1 special but I was glad it was.

I was in the holiday spirit and didn't want to leave. The people around me welcomed me into their group as I paused from reading. There was a shot involved later. The bartender got busy.

I relaxed and let myself fall in love with the bartender just for those few hours.

I had one of those great afternoons where I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I was grateful for being so unattached.

It was early in the afternoon on a Sunday and I felt free.

Monday was so far away. I could sit and read by candle light with a drink next to me or make a new best friend.

I was satisfied with either.

Thirty dollars and 4 hours later I left fully tipsy and feeling good.

Leaving just as unattached as a arrived, but a lot more satisfied.

I'll admit a part of me was waiting for my next love to walk into the bar sometime in those hours I was sitting in Norm's corner.

Another part of me was just happy to leave with no ties.

Un Pause

I’ve been on hold for some time now, emotionally and according to the extra weight in my ass, physically.

I used some drama going on with my family to deter me from making any choices in my own life. My ability to mentally multi tast got a little derailed.

I unintentionally halted future plans and kept my walls up. I was in a constant emergency landing position. It took me months to realize it.

And finally it’s lifting. I’m learning how to throw my arms up and dance again.

I’m learning how to not feel guilty for just watching TV for six hours on a Sunday.

I’m learning that there’s a lot I can’t control but that doesn’t mean that I have no control.

I’m learning someone could spend their entire life trying to figure out the actions of their ex boyfriend but I don’t want to anymore. Short of him giving me the big gesture he’s done taking up space on this blog.

This is the last post about him.

This is called growth- he came out to a mutual friend’s birthday party last night. He met her at my party a week ago and I met her a few months ago. She’s my friend. I know what you’re thinking, he was interested in her. But he wasn’t. He barely talked to her.

He talked to me and bought me drinks. At one point I got pulled into the dance floor and danced with my new friends. He stayed back and started talking to a girl in the party. I stopped turning back to him and just nodded when he would get up to get refills for me. By the end of the night they exchanged numbers.

Later, we shared a taxi uptown and he started to get cranky and complain as he thought about Monday and the weekend being over. I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I never liked. He still had it. I didn’t miss it.

I dropped him off and the taxi took me to my apartment. By the time I got home I had a text from him ‘As always, it was good to see you.’ I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I did like. He still had it. I expected it.

This is called growth. I got home and didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like he holds the magical weight that could fill the love gap in my life. He may have it one day, but not now.

For now, I’m un-pausing myself and seeing who else can fill me up.

By the way, I’m so much prettier then that chick at the party was. What can I say, I can grow all I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

New Love

I have amazing news that I don't think anyone could've prepared me for. I've heard warnings in the past but didn't fully believe them. I felt a love today that was completely originally. I had sent out vibes to the universe recently of needing a new love interest and it's been delivered.

(especially after make out #2 with the old bf on my birthday)

Ahem, what? Moving along...

It is so soft and genuine and caring and innocent. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Stop time and fast forward. I had proof of life in my hands. Proof of magic and a bundle of love.

The proof I've been looking for, to restore my faith in the fact that there is something next. Even though, for me- I don't know what that next is. There is something 'other' besides occasional heartbreak and constant disappointment. There's potential.

And it's not easy. In short, it's mindblowing. To accept that what I held in my arms was full of so much. It was thinking and dreaming. It was scared and happy. It's 19 inches and at the beginning stages of life. I've never witnessed this before. And it's absolutely breathtaking, to the point where I'm elated and squeaky.

Though we may always need the occasional EX boyfriend to kiss us on our birthdays or random out of towner for a one night stand, or a deep long lasting crush that may never get returned- the true story of love begins with an inch of potential, an inch of life that only we can recognize.

I see that potential in her- an entire new beautiful force that can give and take, explode and destroy all the love she wants. And it's not terrifying and I don't want to analyze it, it's beautiful.

Today, I recognized and believed in 19 inches of that potential in my amazingly adorable first niece.

If you ever have the chance to witness a newborn joining us in this dizzy world, take it. You'll literally see, everything differently. And it will be lovely.

Pre birthday wish

It’s my birthday tomorrow, well in minutes. In previous years I’ve danced on bars, cried in bathrooms, worn a tiara, kissed a male flight attendant, ate with Ninjas and belly dancers. I take my birthday to be my own national holiday. I don't expect rose petals to be thrown in my path, but ya know, it would be nice. For one day- that's all I'm asking!

This year, I’m just telling people to meet me at a bar. Simple, low key. I feel like I have a Buffy birthday curse this year, just waiting for things to go wrong. Zombie attacks or something. I’ve been unfocused with stress from family and work. I’ve had little time to check in on myself but time to chain smoke again and lose sleep.

Keeping expectations low is a good idea, and drinking to a minimum. Okay, maybe just a mild medium amount...(said the kiss of death).

I’m not desperately eager for the new year to start like last year, nor am I needing a solo escape. This year, plain and simple I want to have a good night. I want one night of fun.

I've been too uneasy, stressed, and complacient recently. I've let things just happen without asking questions or a fight. I'm used to fighting and feeling good about battling, without it exhausting me.

I'm tired of fighting and thinking, for one night, I want the drinks bought for me...see, a tad simpler then sprinkled rose petals.

Whatever happens in the next year, love, heartbreak, success or failure, it'll happen to a stronger me.

And oy...guess who the midnight/happy bday text was just from? Yup. Some people just don't leave you alone. Well, it's good to have a fan.

Twenty-seven sure should be interesting.

Just In Case Someone Asks

“What do you want?”

His words came over me like thick smoke. I knew there was no middle ground and no compromise that could leave us both sane. It was either wanting a little and left feeling unsatisfied or asking for everything and left feeling unsatisfied. How do I ask for love again when I stopped believing in it? It had turned into a fairy tale. Can I just tell him that I want tonight?

Will he understand that I just want a moment of peace without it ending in a question. Can’t he just take me in his arms, smooth down the stress in my neck and in one movement just attach on to me. It may not be fair or smart but why not just be with each other now because it’s needed. I don’t need him to follow me into the next day or carry all my thoughts.

I want him to just hold me now as if we both believed in forever.

And if you really think about just wanting that, it's not scary and it's not too much, it's real and it's enough.

Headache

I need a vacation. Work has been slow, I haven’t shacked up with the Brit recently and I have a new obsession which gives me headaches and I lose sleep over:

Trying to come to my own terms with love/relationships/marriage etc.

I really am too much into the theme actually and probably need therapy. And can’t stop reading articles like this.

I find it all fascinating the way coupling is going these days.

I’m slowly starting to believe that marriage is unrealistic, as is long term love. To believe in those things means you’re negating the fact that we evolve as individuals and our needs change. I can’t buy into the idea that one person could take care of my emotional and physical needs for the rest of my life. I’m not willing to sign my name on a legal document for that. It just seems silly.

A recent conversation with an old high school friend went something like this:

me- so you've been married about a year right?

her- yes, last summer.

me- why get married now?

her- why not?

me- cause you're 26.

her- we just knew.

me- but you're 26.

(awkward pause/ end scene)

So I’ve realized that really we’re here to fall in love as many times as possible and to have babies. Marriage isn’t needed for either. Another thing we are here to do is to say yes to dessert as many times as possible. But that’s beside the point.

What I’m struggling with is accepting this new realistic idea without becoming cynical and jaded. An old coworker/college friend just got engaged. Sure, I ‘liked’ her facebook status but am I going to call her up and say congratulations? Probably not because she’ll be divorced in ten years. See how easily and quickly cynicism just slides right in?

Another example- via text my Ex asked me out for a drink to catch up. I haven't been reaching out to him for a few weeks and giving only a few word answers to his emails/texts.

This is making him worried. He thinks there's something wrong and he wants me to vent to him. I sware men are like puppies, it's amazing.

Though rum was involved the night of his text, I did write back-'No, you aren't my therapist.

I'm not going to bother you with my personal life'

He claimed that I wasn't a bother and reaffirmed that he was there for me if I needed him.

On my end, there was tequila involved after the rum so the text conversation ended after that. But of course I got a cat youtube video from him the next day. Seriously men- just, use your words!

Anywhoo, in short- I clearly have no idea what I want from him at this point so for my own sanity I'll continue to keep him at a distance. I need to see the Brit ASAP so I remember what it feels like to be a woman and a new crush would be great right now.