Wading in Low Tide

Have you ever put something on pause and then not been able to remember how to hit play again? 

I find myself struggling with that one on the treadmill a couple times a week and in my own life. Unpausing.

I put myself on hold months ago...okay maybe a few years ago. And why is it that not until someone else holds up a mirror that I realize how not far I’ve come? How stuck I’ve been for reasons that just stopped existing. 

I guess that’s the time to see a therapist huh? When you can’t remember why you follow your own rules. When the rules stop adding to your life but take away from it.

All of a sudden I realize what a tight box I’ve put myself in. I count and restrict everything- to the number of drinks I have, to who I talk to, to the days of the week I socialize, to the amount of food I eat. 

And I’ve been setting up these rules because controlling what I eat and who I talk to are things I can control. Everything else...all the big slices of pie, I apparently can't control.

I saw my ex tonight. He initiated it after weeks of asking. 

Nothing 50 Shades happened. It shows you that I’ve been reading that book too much to think we were going to get crazy in an alley way or taxi. Or elevator. That would’ve been awesome. He was sweet and nice and paid. 

My guard was up. If someone took the Great Wall of China and flipped it vertically then that will show you how high my guard was tonight with him. Even betwen my lines of bullshit, he reminded me that I need to do things for myself and I told him it was on the to- do list. 

I consider it a bad day when I realize that I may be a tad more messed up then my ex right now. I cried when I got home.

This was the first ex-hang post cry I’ve had in years where I cried not because of him, but cause of me. 

I don’t like the job, or city I’m in and fill my empty love life slice in with family time. I have fillers and nothing concrete right now. I’m in limbo.

My mother says life happens in tides- there’s low tide and high tide. I tell her I’ve been in low tide for years. And she doesn’t disagree. She tells me to see a therapist to discuss my control issues. She tells me to blow my nose and go to bed.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...

Once A Wii, Always A Wii...

There are a lot of things that I’ve wondered since my ex and I broke up 2 years ago...but there’s one question that’s more...technical that maybe you can help me with. 

I used to stay at his place on the weekends and one of our favorite things to do was play his Wii. 

Wii and cooking were like our foreplay. The first time we played he made me into an avatar. Every inch of myself was transformed into a small cartoon on his big flat screen.

As we played I saw some of his friends who I’d met cheer us on and also his parents, who I never met. If there were avatar ex girlfriends in the audience then he never told me. And I never thought to ask. I'll add that to the list.

I wonder though, if I’m still there in his Wii. Am I randomly cheering him on in the audience while he plays now? Did he delete me? 

Is that how he sees me now in real life... him being in control of when the game is turned on or off and who plays and how much. Doesn't it feel like it? That he's the one still making up the rules and I'm just left playing catch up, still learning the buttons of the remote.

But I’m always there whether I like it or not for him to see whether an avatar or in real life.

Since I’ve decided to keep him away in an attempt to start my own new game is that fair to him? He’s assuming our game is still going on. We were a We for almost a year...he's not a random I can phase out- though I've been trying for months, he's still reaching out consistently into my non-replys.

Maybe we always stay as a We with the people we date no matter how long we’re together. There’s always a version out there that shows who we were then that no one can touch. A part of who we are now, just inactive.

So I wonder, as time moves on and months pass with no interaction, is the We the same? If I could go back and be a We, would I? Knowing that it won’t last forever would I still want to be a part of the We? I haven’t been a Wii since him, so I guess I know my answer. 

Clean Plate

I don’t need a therapist to tell me I’ve immersed myself in the family slice of my pie of life in order to ignore the empty slice that is my love life. 

75% of my day today was filled up with family time via text and calls and 25% was filled up with work. That’s why I thought it was an excellent idea to have 3 glasses of wine during the Fifty Shades book club tonight and text train guy as well as my ex. 

Don’t worry- after 1 text from ex, I deleted his response and wiped it from my memory. It was like it never happened. Give a girl a break. 

I knew what I wanted from him- an immediate response. And that’s what I got. Mission accomplished. I’m a master at the text small talk.

Train guy also texted me back right away. Again, I was 3 glasses of wine deep and after my very limited drinking as of late- this sadly affected me immediately. I suggested we get a drink this weekend. He’s out of town but suggested next week. The banter continued for about a half hour. 

It got to the point where my book club girls yelled at me and had 2 other members act out the texts in front of the group of fifteen. I siped water.

Again, I got what I wanted- immediate entertainment and a possible date (ahem, ignoring the fact that he has a gf)

I’m smoking cigarettes again (this week). Did I mention family life draws my in to the point of me being overwhelmed and stressed? It's a good distraction from that lack of love pie. 

Don't judge.

And while I was chain smoking outside my apartment after book club, I buzz dialed my bestie in Boston. 

I needed to hear things like I don’t need to be in therapy. 

I’m doing okay. I need a rest. 

I need a night out. I need a break. 

She knew what to say, thank god for ten year friendships. 

I hugged the phone before going back inside. 

Then I walk inside my apartment and it smells of windex and air. The cleaning lady my roommate hired had been here. 

I walk in my bedroom 

and there’s folded laundry and no dust and space and my bed is made an entirely different way. 

My pillows are set in a different order. 

For whatever reason, knowing that someone had been here wiping away the dust and clearing clutter for me while I was out dealing with my overwhelming life pie, 

gave me a sense of relief that nicotine hasn’t brought me all week.

Seeing a physical clearing when I’ve been struggling to get a mental one for months 

is something I couldn’t have asked for but has helped, at least in a little baby step, small slice of pie crust kind of way.

Here’s to tomorrow.