Don't be mad at me. I told you this wasn't going to be an easy road for me.
But I went out last night for his bday with coworkers and got very drunk and upset (again).
The good news is I barely talked to him and actually soaked up the attention of the guy mentioned in this post.
I talked to everyone but him and had a great time, mostly.
I need to learn to leave the party early once I realize I'm having a good time.
Staying till the end of the night has clearly been getting me nowhere.
Lesson #94983 in being an adult.
We left the bar and went to a karaoke suite. There was more beer. I kept drinking.
Mainly because that girl and him kept getting closer. I was disgusted.
I focused on the 'maybe guy' and beer. The latter started turning on me.
You'd think I still had feelings for him but that's really not where my anger and frustration is coming from. It's the fact that I saw myself where the girl was standing. Him, trying to push her away cause he was trying to be discreet around coworkers.
I watched from a distance as he got drunker and drunker and honestly didn't really seem all the happy. There was no genuine smile to be found. It's as if someone gave him a costume to wear that he feels stuck in.
At the end of the night I convinced that girl to walk with me because we live in the same neighborhood.
When we got to her corner, he appeared. They planned this.
I was drunk and played stupid.
I asked if he was going to the train station and he said yes. I said goodnight and turned around.
I shouldn't have turned back around. But again, I was drunk and stupid.
And apparently really like emotional pain with beer.
They were making out in front of her building and I watched. It was painful but some reason my brain couldn't get my feet to move. I've never seen anything so unattractive. They looked like two fat otters gnawing at each other.
They went into her apartment.
I called my guy friend S and cried to him. Then I texted you know who and said 'I don't wan't to be friends moving forward. Please don't email me or text.'
He wrote back right away and said 'Understand.'
Here's my problem. Alright there's clearly more then one here.
I'm still wrapping my head around being dropped a year ago. And now that he's shacking up and being sleazy, I feel like he's dropping me over and over again each time.
To me- his actions are saying- he'd rather be this much of a mess then attempt to fix things with me a year ago. He picked misery. And now I'm seeing it the true light.
I don't want to be with him. I don't. He's a workaholic and a total mess.
I just don't like not being picked. I don't like being rejected. And I still don't understand how the same guy who got me through my grandmother's death and parent's separation, can be the same guy I see now.
I want an explanation.
That's where therapy will come in.
I also need therapy to get me to stop grimacing about the idea of dating.
Right now, I don't see the point. I'll meet another nice guy and then one day he'll stop being nice and drop the ball.
I refuse to be in that passenger seat again, so I'll stick with driving my own car until I'm ready to let someone in. Right now I want to keep the doors locked.
He's not my problem anymore. He's not my friend.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.
I'm changing this channel. On Monday at work, I'm not mentioning the text. If he does, I'm sticking with meaning it. I'm not excusing it to being drunk.
Like I said, I'm keeping my doors locked. Slip ups happen. Fun nights with bad endings happen. I'm moving on. I have to. Maybe with a little therapy, but it'll happen.
My love life can't peak at 26. I refuse to be a one hit wonder but on the other hand I just want to avoid the hits right now.