The end of a relationship is a massive loss- it doesn’t matter where the ending comes from. A loss is a loss, living or dead.
I compare the end of my first relationship to losing a glove. But not just any glove, no. This glove was part of a pair of gloves, an expensive, high quality Burberry, went through a NYC winter pair of gloves. A warm buzz went through me every time I put on those gloves and I knew each time I was comforted that they’re value went up.
I lost one glove one night. It was almost exactly one year after my relationship ended, during that awkward, uneasy is it winter or spring period in March. And though I kept on thinking the glove would turn up, a part of me knew it was gone. All I had left over was the other glove. It was useless. It’s value dropped to below zero.
Each time I saw it, all it did was remind me that it used to be a part of a pair. And then I got a rush of the feel good warmth I had when I wore both gloves. I’d get angry and frustrated and sad thinking of what I lost. All the time and energy I put into finding the glove didn’t matter. All the time I had wearing those gloves felt like a waste.
I hated feeling sad about losing the other glove and having to stare down at it’s remnants. I reminded myself that the weather was changing and I didn’t really need the gloves anymore. The worst of the winter is over and really, I didn’t need a pair of gloves till next season. It didn’t matter if I had the other glove or not. I didn’t need them. They meant nothing to me.
I began to look at my first boyfriend this way. I keep him in my life at a safe, yet close distance on a daily basis. I responded to his inside jokes and winks. And I’m in a constantly reminder of our relationship and everything I felt, and I’d get confused by the loss. He’s still here, he’s just missing this other part. I lied to myself in thinking I didn’t need that other part.
We all need that other part. It completes the warmth, the support and buzz we feel when we really have someone in our lives. Anything short of that other part is a total waste.
So what did I do? What did that final text mean from the other night? What was my drunken self really doing?
I was getting rid of the other glove that I still owned and getting ready for Spring. Because who needs a constant reminder of how bad a winter was when storefronts are showing open-toed shoes?