Things took a turn for the worse though today when he texted her saying he would hang out with her but he's seeing someone else. I didn't know what to tell her. I prescribed pajamas and booze immediately.
I've been shutting out my feelings and desires for my old bf, literally I kind of managed to numb myself out and ignore the whole situation. I've been doing well with it. Simple work talk only. Nothing too friendly. No chance for vulnerability or closeness. I haven't been bringing him up to friends or my mother. Just letting it be and not pushing or pulling in any direction. I got highlights, I'm making plans and cutting back on drinking. I'm faking it till I make it. I'm going shopping and digging for some natural endorphins so I don't get stuck in the sad muck again.
I had a slight mental freak out today when we ended up walking back into the office at the same time. We exchanged simple hellos as he held the door open and then my mind kind of shut off. Anything I normally would have said that was witty or friendly got stuck in my throat. It was just awkward as I walked past him and felt the sticky butterflies take over. So much I wanted to say, and yet- nada.
Then I get the call from my friend. And I thought two things.
1. I don't know what I'd do if I found out he was seeing someone. It'd be like that one sliver of hope, that gut feeling, butterfly getting, heart string tugging, the pain is worth the gain spec of faith in love I have left, would be squashed and I'd be dropped again to the deserted island for one. And my polite cynicism would turn into full on spinster bitterhood and I'd buy a cat.
2. My friend received the worse kind of rejection after putting herself out there. A positive being hit with a negative. Am I warped to think that if I put out some positive efforts to my guy that maybe perhaps, in the weird balance of the world, I'd get a positive back since I negative was just sent out?
I leave it up to you my blogger buddies, do I continue to search for feel good feelings until one day I don't need to search but always wonder what if or do I put out all the positives I can muster in his direction and give it my all and just deal with what comes back?