Monday, June 21, 2010

Push or pull

I received a call from an upset friend at work today. We've been in the same traumatic breakup boat for awhile now. Paddling along, swapping bad days and worse days stories. She's been better than me at putting herself out there and showing her guy she still cares. She's better at putting her plans into action then I am. I just ponder and then act indifferent during face time. She says I read too many self help books.

Things took a turn for the worse though today when he texted her saying he would hang out with her but he's seeing someone else. I didn't know what to tell her. I prescribed pajamas and booze immediately.

I've been shutting out my feelings and desires for my old bf, literally I kind of managed to numb myself out and ignore the whole situation. I've been doing well with it. Simple work talk only. Nothing too friendly. No chance for vulnerability or closeness. I haven't been bringing him up to friends or my mother. Just letting it be and not pushing or pulling in any direction. I got highlights, I'm making plans and cutting back on drinking. I'm faking it till I make it. I'm going shopping and digging for some natural endorphins so I don't get stuck in the sad muck again.

I had a slight mental freak out today when we ended up walking back into the office at the same time. We exchanged simple hellos as he held the door open and then my mind kind of shut off. Anything I normally would have said that was witty or friendly got stuck in my throat. It was just awkward as I walked past him and felt the sticky butterflies take over. So much I wanted to say, and yet- nada.

Then I get the call from my friend. And I thought two things.

1. I don't know what I'd do if I found out he was seeing someone. It'd be like that one sliver of hope, that gut feeling, butterfly getting, heart string tugging, the pain is worth the gain spec of faith in love I have left, would be squashed and I'd be dropped again to the deserted island for one. And my polite cynicism would turn into full on spinster bitterhood and I'd buy a cat.

2. My friend received the worse kind of rejection after putting herself out there. A positive being hit with a negative. Am I warped to think that if I put out some positive efforts to my guy that maybe perhaps, in the weird balance of the world, I'd get a positive back since I negative was just sent out?

I leave it up to you my blogger buddies, do I continue to search for feel good feelings until one day I don't need to search but always wonder what if or do I put out all the positives I can muster in his direction and give it my all and just deal with what comes back?


  1. Oh that's a tough one. You might get positive back, but you might not. I guess you need to be prepared for whatever happens.

  2. I wish it were simply a case of math. It's like flipping a coin; it's always going to be a 50% chance he'll say no (or yes). And just because it was no last time, the chance of it being no again is still 50%. Just because it's been tails for awhile does not means that a heads is due.

    I think it's a matter of closure and the fact women rarely obtain it. I am the kind of person who has to push things until I hear, "No I don't love you" to move on (as evidenced from my rockin' birthday). To not answer your question, I think you have to do what's best for you.