When's January 3rd?

I used to love twinkle lights. Maybe it was just a few years ago or maybe not since when I was a kid. I always loved that they used to appear out of nowhere, suddenly right after Thanksgiving, around the time that mittens and hats came out. Though filled with wet snow and gray skies, the city streets would still be splashed with color during the cold weeks before Christmas. I would look at the lights, whether they outlined a doorway or blanketed a tree, and feel warmth and comfort. I’d be filled with the same inner ease that comes from the first sip of coffee in the morning. The floor of my stomach would feel full.

And as I got older I started to hype up my birthday more and more more. Adding pressure on friends to attend because it was my special day. I never really knew why I valued those days surrounding my birthday so much until now...

Gifts weren’t necessary but I just needed all the warm bodies around me as possible. December 1st would arrive and weeks of planning would become fulfilled. I’d feel loved and special, comforted and warm.

And slowly as the days followed and the buzz of the holiday season took over, I realized that the glow that once continued through January had faded. The harshness of becoming an adult happened. And it slowly took away from me realizing how colorful the dark city streets were. Illness, and fights, and death started to define that twinkly time.

That big shiny space in the pit of my stomach started to feel more and more empty as the weeks went on. I now still cherish the time around my birthday even more, because I know that as the twinkling lights turn on around town that my spirit will dim. I’ll look at each light I pass and wait to feel that same warmth I did as a child and maybe from just a few years ago. And there's no turning back. I have to deal with the harshness each year and go through the growing pains as if forcing myself to stare straight into a candle's light. It burns as I get close, but if I look away all I'll see is darkness.

I see lovers snuggling and feel the coldness of my bed even more. I hear of family plans and feel the distance from my father even more. His holiday card and check staring back at me. The warm, fuzzy memories have been taken over by memories of hospitals and tears and distance and confusion. You don’t need to watch It’s A Wonderful Life to fully understand what some have known most of their adult life...what mothers remind their broken-hearted daughters over tearful, cold telephone calls- the holidays suck.

For me the same journal entry each year ends with this begging thought...next year can’t come soon enough.

Annual Holiday Solo Rant

I need to remind myself for the millionth time that I shouldn’t drink and blog. Emotional, dramatic jibberish comes out. I’ve been falling back into bad routines with some drunk crying while out. Luckily, it’s only been in front of my bbf E whose known me since my first bowl haircut in the first grade.

I’ve been working on staying focused and strong at work and that’s been translating to emotionless and distant in my personal life.

Hence the continuous physical-only relationship with the Brit and the guy friend hookup over Thanksgiving. I tell myself that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want to be dating right now or sitting across from a stranger telling my life story. I want to coast into 2011 with as little small talk as possible.

And hence the gradual pushing away of all friends who have an inch of drama in their life. I refuse to sit across from someone as they dump on me their boy troubles. Most of them are the cause themselves- stuck in bad relationships because they’re too afraid to be alone. If it’s one thing my mother has taught me it’s that it’s better to be alone then with the wrong guy. In either case, you may be unhappy and occasionally eat a container of Cool Whip, but at least you’ll be in control solo.

Have I become guarded and slightly bitter after a long year of seeing my own relationship and a dozen others fall apart? Am I pushing friends and potential interests aside to protect myself and save emotional energy that’s already hovering on empty? Am I maybe hitting the spiked eggnog a little much and shutting out holiday cheer?

Yes, yes and yeah.

What can I say? At this point, being self absorbed is a tactical survival method that I need in order to get to 2011. After that, well- I’m hoping the cynical fog will lift a little and we’ll see what I have left in front of me besides my blackberry and new knee high boots.

Just Stand Up

Does the heart open and then close before it breaks? Do I spend weeks floating on air before I realize I’m crashing? Do I beg for change when all I really want is his body to hold me close like before everything changed?

Is your first love always there until...you accept that love exists again? Am I going to be hard, and broken and alone, until... I fully shut him out and let myself live alone. Will he one day stop looking at me, touching me, like he used to. God. Why did I fall for the nice guy? It could be worse. I know, my breakup could’ve been more of a heart break. But it would’ve been nice if the break was less nice and more bitter then sweet. It would’ve made breaking from him, easier for my heart.

I saw someone kiss him tonight. And maybe he kissed her back. But she kissed him again. And I was standing there, in that moment. Wanting to be anyone else. Not wanting to see any of it. Wanting, to be a part of anything else.

It’s a slow, easy, friendly torture, to be friends with your ex.

One kind of torture that I can flirt with out of boredom, out of slight, silly hope. But not out of reality.

To him-

You know how you’re friends with your exes. and you stay in touch and you know whose a swinger and whose having a kid.

well that’s not going to be me.

im never going to be friends like that. because i’ll always be waiting for you to want more. and that's all i really need to say. for me.

26th Birthday Day Checkpoint

I'll update soon about my holiday break and how I slept with my guy friend S and how my new job is going but on to more important, immediate things.

Today is my birthday. And yes, I am one of those annoying people obsessed with my birthday. I tell everyone, I plan as many get togethers in my honor in advance and really consider it a holiday break where I can do whatever I want and people need to be nice to me.

My annual standard plans are- girlfriends only dinner, bar night, mom visits, out of towners visit. So needless to say the next two weeks are busy. Last year I had the BF so an extra dinner was squeezed in but I got no birthday sex cause he was too tired and it was a weeknight. That should have been a red flag but hell, I ignored it cause he wrote me a really sweet card and took me out to sushi. This year, my girlfriends are taking me out to sushi and I already have the Brit on call. So here's hoping it's a birthday with a happy ending.

Even though NYE is right around the corner now, I always do birthday resolutions, separate from my NYE ones.

Let's take a look at last years and see where we're at shall we? Then tomorrow night I'll post new and improved ones as a 26 year old. Suggestions welcome of course!

"25th birthday resolutions"

1. new apartment with real non craigslist furniture that doesn't feel like a dorm

done. as of October 1, yes. 20th floor view facing the east river with a balcony, gut renovated apartment.

2. go on a real, getaway vacation with (now old BF) for at least 5 days.

fail. his couch became our constant weekend staycation. red flag i missed again.

3. get a fucking raise already or a new job that pays what I'm worth.

done. as of Nov 29th. done and done!!!

4. finish first draft of novel

ugh...may have to get a 6 month extension on this one...i think i literally left my main character in a therapy waiting room.

5. put lotion on feet more

eh. so I have dry feet and it bugs me...i am getting better at this, but still get dirty looks when i get a pedicure.

6. finish one of my short stories

eh, again. i did finish 1 out of the 2 i was working on then, but i NEED to still send it out to lit magazines.maybe that's a 2011 thing.

7. do regular community service

done. been volunteering monthly with the Alzheimer's for a year.

My Needs with Maslow

I’ve compartmentalized my needs so much that I’m not sure if Maslow would spit at me or shake my hand. I look at things two ways- what I can handle/control now and what I’ll figure out later.

Family: in small, little tidbits. Dad visits now, Mom visits later. Sister’s drama later. Brother’s phone calls to chat now. But quick so we don’t talk about anything heavy.

Have Thanksgiving there. Figure out Christmas later. Just don’t be alone. I make simple, little decisions that make my day move forward. I stay distant, yet succinct so I don’t get overwhelmed or anxious about the holidays.

Relationships: emotional stability comes from my girlfriends on Saturday nights. Mental stimulation (brunch, movies, art galleries) come from my new gay guy friend three/four times a week. Sexual satisfaction comes from the Brit once a week. Connection of intimacy (though repressed majority of time by my demand to stay emotionally distant to protect myself) comes from the old bf, daily, unfortunately.

Work: I transition into the new department on Dec 29th and leave my department after over two years.

That in itself gets an entire mental storage space big enough for a minivan.

After I described this all to my friend B, she asked how my cupboards looked? Nice and organized, she mused. It must be exhausting to fill all of the cupboards up with nice, neat, compartments. Imagine clearing them out. Facing family straight on. Having one guy to fulfill all of my needs. Moving forward completely with work and being in the role that I deserve to rock it.

is it exhausting, yes? But what option to I have? I’m protecting myself and trying to move forward. Sometimes all you can do is take baby steps and make labels in order to do that.

2AM trash

It’s 2 AM. And according to the break up 9 months ago, I should be out and not holding back and having that crazy thing called fun. It hasn’t hit me like this in awhile. I’ve been having that extra drink and throwing my hands up in the air and happy. Letting go and feeling good. Seeing the brit or not seeing the brit, seeing him or not seeing him. Being fine and moving. And yet...

And I know you’re tired of hearing excuses just as much as I am. And yet, I’m tired of trying to meet the next guy in a bar. And I”m tired of trying to meet him online. Or through friends or ad parties. And it’s been nine months and it’s not a matter of getting over him, it’s a matter of getting around and through.

I’m starting a new position next week and my desk is close to his. And when I say close, I mean, I'll be delving into Dante’s definition of hell ‘proximity without intimacy’. I’ll become a master on it, WHILE I become a master on my new position. Position and role first, before emotion and feelings. Me, before him.

I was out at a party last week and with a totally fresh, new group of friends. The massive tray of food that was at this party included one main eye catching dessert- the vanilla cookies at Starbucks that used to be left at my desk by him. I'm constantly reminded of him. When will those cookies just be cookies again?

I leave the office in a rush, cause I’m 10 minutes late to whatever, as I dive to open the elevator door, he’s there...waiting to go down.

End of the work day on Friday. I’m outside putting on my gloves and he saddles up next to me and tells me I look confused. I was deep breathing after a long, long day with family drama on the side...I smile and tell him I was just looking for my gloves. He mentions how it’s not that cold out for gloves, am I trying to look fashionable instead? I smile, again...and say, I’m cold. Was never one for putting fashion before practical. He says, he knows and hopes I have a good weekend.

Now I’m here. With that gut to throat feeling of loneliness left on a Saturday night. And I turned to the guys I was with tonight and waited for them to say the right things. Fill in the right blanks. And when it didn’t come at the right time, I grew tired and antsy. And soon I started feeling unpretty and wishing a secure hand would hold the small of my back and gently gide my body home to bed.

And yet even after all this time and seeing how far I’ve come and how good and crisp and new I feel, I still want him deep, down...to turn to me and want something different from me. To stop playing the daily games and just admit that he's in it all for me.

Ugh, maybe it's nothing and I'll just blame the sangria and my tired feet.

Making Moves, Just Not Sure Where

I blame my recent decisions on an uber long stressful work week. I won't get into details but the transition into my next role hasn't been a smooth one due to a very short fused, bitter, stressed out soon to be former manager. I've been leaving work shaken and on edge due to his unpredictable treatment of me. I refuse to let it bother me anymore though. One person's opinion of me should not rattle me that much or make me question my performance at work. I've gotten better at reacting logically to work situations and less emotionally via the book How to Play Like a Man and Win Like a Woman. It's brought down my stress a lot and helped maintain perspective. But this past week was more trying than most.

Friday night I ended up working late and had to turn down the Brits invite to go to his place for an after work happy hour. Nudge nudge. A half bottle of wine helped slide me into an easy sleep. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed and had a nice productive, errand filled gym day. And then I made an interesting decision.

I took the old bf up on one of his offers to hang out. He had extended an invitation earlier in the week with a group but I turned it down per usual, saying I had to work. But the truth was, I wanted to hang out with him and I wanted to see the Dan Band. I brought my bff E with me who always is a fan of the Band. So it was me, E, old bf and our mutual friend D from work. And in all honesty, the night was fun! Sure the awesome show helped and so did the beer. But it was just nice to be around him. Were old feelings there? Yes. And of course I hate that those feelings are still there and most likely will never go away. I can give you a laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't like him and why he's not relationship material. And I know things between us aren't going to change, ever. But I see him do or say little things that are just so him, that I think most people don't even notice, and I have this inner smile that still fondly appreciates everything about him. I'm not sure if that smile will ever go away, no matter how many invitations from him I turn down.

We all grabbed more drinks and food after the show. Again, more laughs, and more ease all around. We could've continued the night with them but E and I said we had a friends party to go to. We went to our new goto bar and talked about the tragedy of first loves over more beer. Overall a very good night and I ended up, of course, shacking up with the Brit. Who confirmed my suspicion of the stereotypes that Brits don't 'give back' to girls who aren't their girlfriends. Not sure if you've heard of this, but the Brit confirmed it. Apparently I have to start dating him to get more fulfilled. Thoughts anyone?

I'll say this...even though I don't spend a lot of vertical time with the Brit and am shocked at how okay I am with how little I know about him, he's still a great distraction. And it's nice to just have a break from my normal routine and do something a tad casual, to get out of my own head for a little while.