Groan/Grown

Seriously, how is it that even though I've had:

an adult sleepover with C (bowchikabowwow)

a fancy gala date with C (date #6)

...and I'm:

about to move offices

about to move apartments

getting my period

prepping for my dad coming into town

planning a baby shower

trying to ditch those pesky late summer lbs

I still can't get that damn kiss out of my head??

It's playing on repeat while I'm out to dinner with friends, sweating at spin,

chain smoking, packing up my apartment and even worse, before I go to bed.

It was just a kiss. Why can't I handle a kiss? Why must my Lifetime Movie brain start planning fucking Fall pumpkin picking weekend getaways?

Go Gala

Why are fantasies always better then realities? Why are the moments right before you fall asleep, and right before you pull two feet out of bed-- the best.

The lighting and music is always better in your head. And the pain from your high heels never actually bothers you. You get to say everything you want to say in those moments. Before sleep and before awake, when you're closest with your own body.

You're no longer tossing and turning in bed to get comfortable or flipping over to escape the morning light. You're body is yours and its still, so your mind can do anything.

In my mind I whisper dirty things to him and he melts. He grabs at me 110%. And I can't feel anything, I'm floating. Frank Sinatra is playing.

In reality, I think it's Tony Bennett and the overhead lights are already one. My eyes are thin and tired from champagne. He got me okay with smoking cigarettes again. And I notice he's good at taking mouthfuls of vodka tonics. His touch is softer then what I want, though he does compliment me.

Does he have to pause at the other girls in tighter dresses then mine. I look beautiful.

Why doesn't he grab at me and whisper dirty things in my ear.

I'm right here.

He feels so safe and that good kind of tall, and yet,

I feel like he's just holding back as much as I am.

What is he waiting for?

All I want is a real dance and lighter heels.

What the F is in the water??

My Inbox:

On Friday-
Old BF: Looking back at the texts, I wasn't trying to downplay talking. We can.

On Sunday-
C: Had a lot of fun last night and today...already laying out my suit for Wednesday!

Today-
The Brit: Does 8:30pm work for you? I have wine and can also order some food too :)

My Spin On Vampire Diaries. Double Shit!!

Tonight he said to me the following, in no particular order.

Mixed with beer.

You are the love of my life.

The biggest mistake.

You are the most amazing woman I know.

I'll never be able to express what you meant to me.

I know it doesn't mean anything now but I wish I deserved you.

It was ALL my fault.

I fear I'm already fucking you up.

Truth. This IS what he said. Fuck, double shit.

Help- is an understatement.

Mentally while my head exploded, I said 'fuck, fuck, fuck' on repeat.

A million times.

In all dramatic seriousness.

I've never mentally had to wrap my head around any thing like this.

While he asked me if I had been seeing anyone.

I said 'I'm not the kind of girl who believes in love or marriage.

You should've known that. But yes, I've met men since you.'

(I didn't say just 4 weeks ago)

He said good.

I told him, in between kisses, while thinking of the amoebas he's kissed,

'I'm not the kind of girl you can turn off and on.'

I thought about how he was the first and only male I've emotionally let it.

'I'm not the kind of ex you can just sleep with.'

I thought about the girl I saw who dragged him up her nasty ass doorstep while drunk.

Tonight I think... he was drunk. I missed him, but never THAT much.

His kisses made me think. I just don't know what.

His self esteem is STILL lower then dirt and he can bring NOTHING to my life.

BUT. WHAT? HELP! Is there a safe in between?

Or, at this point...is this...a bad memory of the past. Or a bumpy look into the future?

Help. Do I put faith into the man who I stopped loving? Or move forward without him?

It is...all or nothing.

He's the singing frog that no one can see... is he still worth hanging around?

More Please Thank You

When: day after date 4

How: text

What: the good kind of cheese

Scene: he knew work had been stressful for me this week and sent me a picture of the poster in his office wall that relaxed him

My text: today wasn’t as bad as Monday and Tuesday. Mainly cause I was thinking about last night :)

His response: my coworker says I’ve had a goofy smile on my face all day :)

How we left it last night...He wants to cook dinner for me...at this place...on Saturday night. Bow chika bow wow.

I’ll be bringing my toothbrush and a bottle of wine and whatever cute outfit I buy at Victoria Secrets.

Chaka Kahn

I had an interesting day at work and my horoscope didn’t have the decency to warn me about it last night.

I got put into a position I didn’t feel comfortable in morally. My inner good slayer shouted out ‘because it’s wrong’.

I wasn’t in a place to say anything though or change it. The problem flew up to the big dogs and it got done. I didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one who had the authority to get the yes that the client needed to hear. So I stood in a room and watched and listened.

This industry I’m in doesn’t play by the rules of black and white business. There’s a lot of work ‘done in good faith’ and pointing fingers and miscommunication. I’m surrounded by these amazingly strong women who don’t believe in the word no, no matter the costs or labor that goes into getting a yes. It amazes me.

I’m in this new role to learn and grow, and be a part of something different. To experience something out of my comfort zone. And that’s what I got.

Do I like it? Not all the time. Just because I’m good at my job doesn’t mean I agree with the workflow and how our vendors are treated. But I signed on.

I don’t know how to always get a yes. This job will teach me that and I’ll have to find my own way to get it the way I want to. The way that feels right to me.

I’m not going to wallow or feel this uneasy guilt for being in this role. I won’t let the fleeting weight of things get to me. I’m in control.

I could let this shake me and lose confidence. But I choose not to. I choose Chaka Kahn. I choose vodka. And maybe picking up cigarettes again.

I choose to let tomorrow come and today be yesterday.

I choose to be better tomorrow and stronger.

I choose to not let what I do define me. I choose to let it just be something I do and leave it at that. I’m not curing cancer, I’m not starting WW3. I’m making :30 commercials as best as I can and putting on my slippers at the end of the day.

Popping

My foot actually popped last night. I didn’t know that shit can physically happen in real life.

Our third date was going to be drinks and then a comedy show but we were having such a good time just hanging out and talking, we skipped the show. We went to a few different bars and again, ended up being out from 8pm till after 3. And again we made out on more street corners then I could count. I’ve started to really like the red light that faces the crosswalk.

I got that look throughout the night that only a guy can give. The ‘I adore you’ look. The ‘I can’t wait to kiss you’ look. I like that look. A lot.

Being in front of my apartment building was the most mentally challenging part of the night. We were up against the side of the building and I’ll be honest, it was pretty fucking hot. He has this slow and gentle thing and then fast and hard switch off that drives me absolutely amazingly crazy. To the point where I can’t catch my breath and my foot pops.

Mentally a few dozen times I said ‘Okay, I can’t physically say no, so you’re going to have to.’ but the words didn’t come. He just kept on kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.

My head was dizzy and my body was sizzling.

After close to an hour I pushed him away. And breathed out the only two letter word I could say ‘OK.’

‘I’m out of town next weekend. So I want to see you this week. Let’s get dinner.’

I said again, ‘OK.’

We kissed again. Slow and soft this time.

My footing staggered while I walked through the front door. I smirked and turned around to meet his eyes. Every cell in my body wanted to grab him and drag him in. But the high from the anticipation was indescribable and I didn’t want it to end yet.

‘This week.’ I heard him say as I went through the door and tried to remember how to walk in a straight line. This week was off to a pretty good start and I hadn’t even watched True Blood yet.