Fired Up

I picked up my third January half gallon of milk tonight, this year is officially moving along. It’s exciting but mostly scary that we’re almost into February. I’m realizing I have so many little habits that roll into bigger things that I just don’t like. I’ve been a talker and not a doer about making this dragon year different, so here's what's been on my mind.

I used to be able to get up and go to the gym every morning, and I haven’t done that in months...like months. My strict four times a week regiment has now slipped to one or two. My body feels different and I’m not a fan. It bothers me more then I want it to.

I used to read the newspaper every weekend but I still have a two week old paper sitting on my dining room table. Must remind myself that facebook is not the actual news. Seriously, I need to make it a weekly event and leave it at that.

I’ve told myself a hundred times that I’d start following politics, but when I tell you I have no idea what’s going on with the election, I’m not exaggerating. It’s like whenever the subject is within five miles from me I immediately want to read a comic book. Smiling and nodding in conversations is getting old. I'm a smart girl and yet this stuff bores the hell out of me.

I told myself I’d be open to love and dating and a relationship and blue birds and all the shit but when I think about my first JDate on Friday I start to mentally wine like a little kid. Inside I groan ‘But I don’t want to make a new friend. I want to play with the friends I have!’ I still haven’t confirmed time or place with him. Am I emotionally cock blocking myself?

I’m in my 20s and it’s not going to last forever. I need to have more fun with a capital F and take more risks. I feel like I’ve barely started this chapter and I’m already being pushed on to the next one. I want to have risque, gasp worthy stories. There’s absolutely no reason not to so what’s holding me back?

Why do I have this old-lady, homebody syndrome most of the time? Is it the winter blues or is the blockade around my heart literally cock blocking every angle to the point where I’m playing everything too safe?

I’ll take suggestions! My pen and paper are ready!

Open Call

I recently got a facebook email from a guy I had one date with when I studied in London in 2004. Were were in one class together and went out for Italian in my neighborhood. I remember laughing a lot...and being so nervous that I ate sushi before the date. We didn't kiss, but I remember it being one of the best dates I ever had. Nothing happened afterwards but we've been in touch. He lives in Rhode Island and I haven't seen him since I was 19.

We've had a long distance back pocket friendship since then. In touch, because we both knew we had that one great date.

The message said he wanted to come and visit me in the City and take me out 'for lunch or something'. This probably isn't happening till February but later he messaged me again and asked if I was seeing anyone who'd be mad about him taking me out. All I could think was 'Oh, so it's THAT kind of lunch. K, I'll remember to shave.'

I'm open to seeing him and not expecting a thing. He was seeing someone for a few years and they were living together. I guess I don't have to ask if he's still seeing her. Oh shit, maybe I should. Who someone was at 19 isn't who they are over 8 years later...

Well I wanted to widen my dating circle this year and I guess the universe is responding in it's typical quirky offbeat way.

Bring it '12...bring it.

Online

Alright, I'm now officially signed up for online dating. I'm tired of my mother asking me. She's so adament that she's reinbursing me. Also, whenever I get stuck with some area of my life I typically remind myself that 'If what you're doing isn't working, try anything else." So, here goes.

So far the most interesting email I've gotten is a guy telling me I'm too pretty to be online dating. Then he said that the odds of finding someone online is like winning the lottery...he didn't mention that he felt like he won when he saw me. If this was a Lifetime movie, that would've been the next line.

I gotta say the biggest thing I don't like is being able to see who's viewed you. In theory this is a good thing but doesn't it really just show you whose passed on you? And who doesn't like your photoes enough to even send one of those pre-made generic emails? All it does is show you whose looked at you and doesn't like you. I need the guy perspective on this..

Also- so NOT a fan of the instant message feature. All I can think is- please at least try pretending you know how to write full sentences in some clever way that gets my attention. 'What's up?' via a chat window is a deal breaker.

Any advice or tips? I'm off to a coffee shop.

Time to Clown Around

There were about ten of us tonight and most of them were not what I’d considered my group.

Most of them were my friend’s boyfriend’s friends and very French.

I don’t mean to stereotype but they mostly drank red wine, rolled their own cigarettes, ate cheese and chocolate and talked about which small town in France the red wine came from. I was out of my element and yet it was New Years Eve, so drinking, eating and socializing were on my to do list.

I had only seen someone roll their own cigarette in movies, so to see it happen it real life was just plain charming and awesome. I had her roll one for me.

I didn’t inhale right and didn’t smoke it slow enough, but I still felt charming.

The oysters covered in bacon (or maybe they were mussels or snails) was soon replaced with fa guo and then lots of chocolate cake. It seemed like the only thing to do was to eat and chain smoke and drink more red wine...even though I hate that red wine stains my teeth and lips.

I didn’t have too much to say to the Frenchies...I spoke to some guys who weren’t sure what I meant when I tried to explain how my recent trips to both Germany and Israel were paid for because I was Jewish. They seemed lost at ‘Jewish’.

I kept drinking and eating.

My favorite part of it turning midnight and being surrounded by French, was of course, the double kiss. I didn’t feel a full loss at not having a midnight kiss because I had multiple double kisses.

Thank god for the French.

The dance party and more chocolate cake started shortly after that.

My friend’s French BF started letting loose at that point and soon I got envious that she had a long term parter in crime.

I had to leave on a high night, mid dance party before the blues set in.

So I did something that I don’t normally do at 2AM on a Sunday morning.. I walked.

With my Ipod in...I walked to the meatpacking district, which I assumed besides times square, would be the most popular place and I was right.

I don’t know why but I needed to end 2011/start 2012 this way- watching girlfriends curse out their boyfriends, best friends get into fights about nothing, drunken asses getting kicked out of clubs.

Maybe it was a last minute needed esteem boost but it worked.

I got on the train heading uptown and couldn’t stop smiling.

The energy in the air owned me.

One part of me was mad about how sober I was, the other part was entertained by every subtle ‘I love New York” I heard.

People picked up on my smiling. A man offered the seat next to me and I looked closer at him.

“You look like you’ve been making out with a clown” I said.

He smiled.

“I got hugged by a chorus girl in Times Sq.” he explained,

and then asked if he could kiss me.

He asked while furiously texting on his phone.

A moment later he cursed about the cell service.

“Just hours into the new year and you’re already bitching about lack of cell service underground...you need to make out with more clowns and text less.” I said.

Others on the train heard this and smiled.

“Will you make out with me?” he asked politely.

“No. I’m not a clown.” I explained and got off on my stop with a smirk.

I leave my story on this note- at the most surprising times, right before I let sadness take me,

I sometimes choose happiness and I remember to smile, simply at the smallest things.

Tonight, though it was the end of a very long year, I could’ve let myself go in the other direction per usual...but instead I told a stranger to kiss more clowns...because in the end, kissing should always win out no matter what.

Be the Dragon

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the dragon which symbolizes magic and power and according the Mayans 2012 is the year the world will end.

Whether everything changes or we end in fire or ice, here’s what I’m going after- (feel free to chime in)

Professionally:

By the summer transfer to a different team at work.

Make more friends at work- introduce myself to the group of 20 something yr. olds who play Ping Pong down the hall from my office, and get my name added to the scoreboard.

Fun:

Go to Vegas in February with only single girlfriends and let my mischievous side out.

Go to Chicago when the weather gets warmer and visit my best friend. I’ve been saying I’d visit since 2004, it’s dragon time.

Get kissed more often.

Get highlights, brown is so 2011.

Love:

Fall in love again.

Get on JDate. Seriously, it’s time and mom will never stop asking until I do it. Any suggestions on a good username would be helpful!

Family:

Visit family every six-eight weeks.

Make sure cousins and new niece, and upcoming new nephew know my name as they grow up. I’m tired of being the one who went to New York and only visits once a year.

Make solid attempt to fix Dad’s relationship with his brother.

Health:

Drink loads of water everyday.

Get to the gym as often as possible- this means in the AM before work like I used to. I liked my body better then- it’s time to get rid of those eight annoying pounds I’ve had all Fall.

Smile often.

Daily dance parties.

Girl with a Book

I never used to understand people in bars, sitting alone with a book. It never looked right. Like, we all see you, trying to read in a crowded bar surrounded by booze. What exactly are you doing?

Today I was that girl. My favorite coffee shop was full so I found a near empty bar serving food around the corner from it.

The bartender was charming and cute. But married. To a girl who he admitted, just needed a green card. When you read the book 'The Marriage Plot' in public, such interesting conversations happen with strangers.

A few hours later, I was fed and a few gin cocktails deep. I didn't know it was a 2 for 1 special but I was glad it was.

I was in the holiday spirit and didn't want to leave. The people around me welcomed me into their group as I paused from reading. There was a shot involved later. The bartender got busy.

I relaxed and let myself fall in love with the bartender just for those few hours.

I had one of those great afternoons where I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I was grateful for being so unattached.

It was early in the afternoon on a Sunday and I felt free.

Monday was so far away. I could sit and read by candle light with a drink next to me or make a new best friend.

I was satisfied with either.

Thirty dollars and 4 hours later I left fully tipsy and feeling good.

Leaving just as unattached as a arrived, but a lot more satisfied.

I'll admit a part of me was waiting for my next love to walk into the bar sometime in those hours I was sitting in Norm's corner.

Another part of me was just happy to leave with no ties.

Un Pause

I’ve been on hold for some time now, emotionally and according to the extra weight in my ass, physically.

I used some drama going on with my family to deter me from making any choices in my own life. My ability to mentally multi tast got a little derailed.

I unintentionally halted future plans and kept my walls up. I was in a constant emergency landing position. It took me months to realize it.

And finally it’s lifting. I’m learning how to throw my arms up and dance again.

I’m learning how to not feel guilty for just watching TV for six hours on a Sunday.

I’m learning that there’s a lot I can’t control but that doesn’t mean that I have no control.

I’m learning someone could spend their entire life trying to figure out the actions of their ex boyfriend but I don’t want to anymore. Short of him giving me the big gesture he’s done taking up space on this blog.

This is the last post about him.

This is called growth- he came out to a mutual friend’s birthday party last night. He met her at my party a week ago and I met her a few months ago. She’s my friend. I know what you’re thinking, he was interested in her. But he wasn’t. He barely talked to her.

He talked to me and bought me drinks. At one point I got pulled into the dance floor and danced with my new friends. He stayed back and started talking to a girl in the party. I stopped turning back to him and just nodded when he would get up to get refills for me. By the end of the night they exchanged numbers.

Later, we shared a taxi uptown and he started to get cranky and complain as he thought about Monday and the weekend being over. I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I never liked. He still had it. I didn’t miss it.

I dropped him off and the taxi took me to my apartment. By the time I got home I had a text from him ‘As always, it was good to see you.’ I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I did like. He still had it. I expected it.

This is called growth. I got home and didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like he holds the magical weight that could fill the love gap in my life. He may have it one day, but not now.

For now, I’m un-pausing myself and seeing who else can fill me up.

By the way, I’m so much prettier then that chick at the party was. What can I say, I can grow all I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.