Popping

My foot actually popped last night. I didn’t know that shit can physically happen in real life.

Our third date was going to be drinks and then a comedy show but we were having such a good time just hanging out and talking, we skipped the show. We went to a few different bars and again, ended up being out from 8pm till after 3. And again we made out on more street corners then I could count. I’ve started to really like the red light that faces the crosswalk.

I got that look throughout the night that only a guy can give. The ‘I adore you’ look. The ‘I can’t wait to kiss you’ look. I like that look. A lot.

Being in front of my apartment building was the most mentally challenging part of the night. We were up against the side of the building and I’ll be honest, it was pretty fucking hot. He has this slow and gentle thing and then fast and hard switch off that drives me absolutely amazingly crazy. To the point where I can’t catch my breath and my foot pops.

Mentally a few dozen times I said ‘Okay, I can’t physically say no, so you’re going to have to.’ but the words didn’t come. He just kept on kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.

My head was dizzy and my body was sizzling.

After close to an hour I pushed him away. And breathed out the only two letter word I could say ‘OK.’

‘I’m out of town next weekend. So I want to see you this week. Let’s get dinner.’

I said again, ‘OK.’

We kissed again. Slow and soft this time.

My footing staggered while I walked through the front door. I smirked and turned around to meet his eyes. Every cell in my body wanted to grab him and drag him in. But the high from the anticipation was indescribable and I didn’t want it to end yet.

‘This week.’ I heard him say as I went through the door and tried to remember how to walk in a straight line. This week was off to a pretty good start and I hadn’t even watched True Blood yet.

On my tip toes

I took three days to pick the restaurant. And once I stopped overanalyzing it, I picked a great little Italian restaurant downtown- casual, cozy, moderately priced and good people watching.

Overall, the second date with C didn’t feel like a second date. It felt like we were in a relationship and had been together for weeks. I don’t have nervous butterflies but I like spending time with him and feel relaxed. He’s attentive, funny and smart. He listens to me and is outgoing and confident without being arrogant.

I took him to the oldest bar in the city which he had never been to. I’ve been there a few times and it’s always a good go to. There’s saw dust on the floor, only 2 kinds of beer, 1 waiter and they pack in the tables with people. It’s my kinda place.

We spent hours at the bar so our table got rotated out with people a lot. I liked being close to him and leaning against his side as more people sat down. His arm slid around my back to take ownership over me when more men were at the table then girls. I didn’t mind.

Last call came and went. We were outside on the sidewalk and he kissed me. He said he’d been waiting all night to do that.

It all felt familiar. The old BF had said the same thing to me after our second date. He came into my head for a moment then, but the thought was blank. I simply thought ‘I’ve been here before.’

C and I made out on every street corner along the twenty block walk back to my apartment. He told me he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. We kissed a lot more. In different ways- hard and heavy and deep, and then slow and soft. It all felt familiar. ‘I’ve been here before.’

I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let him upstairs. I didn’t put my guard down. The last time I let someone in, my guard had been down and he still wanted me. He saw me at my worst. He saw my uglies and still wanted to hold my hand through a crowd. C was holding my hand on the second date.

It feels out of order. I want to be here. But right now it feels like I’m tiptoeing into this new thing, when I’d rather just be more grounded. I want to know what I’m getting in to.

So there's that...

Yeah, he likes me. But for 15 minutes I thought I was being stood up.

I sat at the bar playing angry birds and waited...wondering if I had the strength to sit at a bar and not drink. Fifteen minutes was going to be my cut off and his. At 8:15 he texted, wondering if we were still meeting. I paused. I walked outside and he was standing there.

“I thought you were standing me up.” he said with a smile. He was just as cute as I remembered. I guess manners do exist.

We went back inside together and got seats outside in the patio. Just as it started to get dark, tea candles started being lit around us.

The mood was set and the Blue Moon was delicious.

We talked and talked. And laughed and leaned in to each other. His eyes did this whole twinkling thing and he had a really great smile. We talked about everything from our favorite numbers to childhood enemies to the importance of writing what you loved.

After round three, we agreed to do one more. We both drank slower, the crowd was emptying out. There hadn’t been more than a few beats of silence in hours, and they were comfortable beats. They closed the patio so we moved inside. I smiled up at him as our beers got lower.

“One more?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m glad you said that cause I’m not ready for the night to end.”

Yeah, I like him.

It was late when we stepped outside on to the street. He gave me a slow, easy kiss. I smiled into his lips. I reached up and put my hands around his neck. I like his height. He’s the good kind of tall. We kissed more and just hard enough to know that it worked.

“I want to see you again.” he said more then once when we stepped back.

I was buzzing. I exhaled. “I want to see you again too.”

“Good.” he said and kissed me again.

We walked in different directions to get taxis. Alright, so technically I had to go in the same direction, but I didn’t want to mess with an exit like that.

He texted me tonight. And said again, that he wants to see me. I like having it in writing, in black and white when I’ve been so used to gray.

Date #1

Maybe I'm finally getting in tune with the universe or maybe the universe is reading my blog.

In either case, I met a guy last Wednesday at an industry karaoke party. He sang Friends in Low Places twenty minutes after I did... better. He came over to me and apologized for the biggest offense in karaoke law. He said he didn't pick that song and it was a computer malfunction. I told him it was okay since our versions were very different from each other anyway...he did the whole 'singing on key' thing while I ventured away from that route.

(I'm charming, I know)

We talked for the next hour. We both think Friday nights are meant for staying in and doing nothing. We work in the same industry, not in the same office (whew).

Getting drinks Wednesday at 8pm. He picked the time and place. He has a good head of hair and is at least 5'10. I'll let you know about which version of GF he likes.

It's been over 2 years since I've been on a date. I'm not nervous, just finally ready. What can I say? My cynicism kinda took over for awhile and it was just recently I told it to F off and leave me alone.

Let's Get Real Personal

I’m looking for a guy (28-35) with a head of hair, who knows what he's doing in the sack and doesn’t mind that I don’t cook. Must have an opinion of Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Batman. If you like Godfather 2 better then 1 don’t both replying. If you have to know one thing about me, know that I’ll never be able to decide between Caddyshack or Bridget Jones Diary. If you have to know something else, know that I’m not sure if I believe in love but that I want to. I’m good at being guarded and I’m annoyingly independent. But I’ll want you to hold my hand and open the door for me. I want to be in a relationship, but know that I need help getting there again. You can have less stamps on your passport then me but don’t have none. Must be able to understand conversational sarcasm. Also, know that I can identify any quote from Buffy. Please be 5'10 or higher and occasionally read a book.

How I Left Things

So! That chapter is officially closed and I couldn’t have planned it any better. I left with high reviews all around and HR telling me if the next job sucks then I can come back.

Thursday night I had my going out party and I was a little disappointed. My favorite guys didn’t make it out (ahem mg). But apologized via text and in person the next day. I got good and drunk and left the last bar with the intern. (dun dun dun)

I must be growing up because though he tried holding my hand and making an awkward move, I didn’t hook up with him. I got a little depressed actually...realizing that it was the night before my last day of work and I was with the intern I’ve known only a few weeks. This is whose left standing with me? It just didn’t feel right. I walked home alone and cried the second I got there. That much anticipated meltdown that my mother foresaw came true. I felt better after getting a good cry out though.

The next morning, though I had a headache and had to explain my Irish exit to a few people, I was more or less calm about leaving. I got a little emotional as I packed up my desk and turned in my laptop. But luckily I held back the tears in front of IT. I ended up getting drinks with ALL of those guys (including the ex and mg) after work. It wasn’t planned and it was perfect. I was in my element.

With my boys, blue moon and geek talk.

At the end it felt like more of a ‘see you later’ then a ‘goodbye’, which is exactly what I wanted.

And more deets on the guys of course:

MG... gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek as our night rolled to a close. We had just spent the last several hours laughing and drinking and flirting like we had months ago. And I felt fabulous and I think he picked up on my fabulousness.

We pulled away and I simply said ‘Well, you have my number.’ and he smiled and said he’d call and that he always liked playing beer with me. So whether anything happens or not, at least for now that scenario is in ellipsis mode.

As far as the ex...he gave me a Starbucks gift card and a cookie that morning. Inside he wrote ‘Good luck, but you don’t need it. Remember the little people when you become head of production.’

And suddenly, just like that, the wall between us was lifted and I went over to him. I said thank you and then gave him his own card which I had hand written a week before. Inside it said ‘Thank you for always being supportive of me over the years, whether it was close or from a distance, I always appreciated it.’

I wanted to tell him that he can call me if he wants. I don’t need the wall anymore. But I didn’t need to cause then he invited me out for those goodbye drinks. And even though I still don’t trust him, I feel good knowing that he has my back.

He’s still a member of team D even though in a different way. And I guess as exes go, that’s an ok place to be. I stopped hating him and I realized I didn’t need him to be a part of my life. All that from a Starbucks cookie, I know.

At the end of the night I took ‘EVIL’ out from his name in my cell phone contacts. What can I say? I’m moving on with a different, stronger part of me and that baggage ain’t coming with me.

Case of the Uglies

I’m not going to get a medal any time soon for being a good daughter. My stock went down this weekend while my mother was in town visiting.

We didn’t start off well when I missed the show we got tickets for because of work. The following night I got out of work late and couldn’t fully turn off through shabbat services or dinner after. Bad daughter and bad Jew.

This morning started off ok and I use that term lightly. She met me by my apartment with coffee and bagels. She got offended when I wouldn’t eat one of the bagels.

We got pedicures which may have been the best part of the day. We each splurged and got the ten minute foot massage added on. Next we went shopping and she got sucked into the store and ended up staying there almost an hour more while I chain smoked outside. Next we ate and got a drink. I wish we got another round.

I tried explaining the stress I feel due to being so focused on my future and how I’ve been stuck in my head a lot recently. Not being able to relax in the present. Feeling ups and downs in this transition between jobs that I can’t fully figure out. Hence the chain smoking.

I tried explaining I’m nervous about being emotionally closed off and not having the marriage or baby gene. And how I have no interest in dating. I tried explaining that these are actual concerns of mine and I fear that my heart is at the end of a maze somewhere that I can’t find. She waved my concerns away and said I was just being young.

My wall stayed up all day with her. I was defensive and snappy. And I’m not PMSing. I challenged her on everything she said, from the name of an actor in a movie to the hat she wore. I wasn’t grateful for her coming and didn’t thank her for making me jello or cleaning my dresser. We’re normally Besties and today I treated her horribly. I couldn’t stop the words coming out of my mouth or push down the knots in my neck.

The night ended after the movies and we were both quiet. I was soaking up the peaceful, warm city walk when she asked me what I was thinking about. I said, I was thinking about how nice and quiet it was. She took that to mean that I was reveling in her not talking. She got angry and said if she knew she was going to stress me out so much she wouldn’t have come. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her but she stormed off.

She was done with me.

All she wanted was to spend time with me but I couldn’t get that part of me out. The worse part is that I know she needed this weekend. She has her own shit going on and I needed to be a support for her. We needed to laugh and be Besties. But my mind was too jumbled to get there when she needed me and as a result she couldn’t stand to be around me. She was right to walk away. I would’ve done the same thing.