One of the gentleman suitors I left behind recently asked me if I'd ever considered moving back...and it's kinda funny cause even though I've only been gone a month I've never not missed anything more. And the thought never crossed my mind once.
I mean no disrespect to my friends- who I miss daily, but I don't miss the city. Like at all. I don't miss the buildings or loud horns or crowded smelly streets or anxiety. Because the move happened so fast I thought I'd feel this uneasiness here, like I ran away or have been uprooted but I feel the opposite.
Like I said before I feel more grounded here then I have in a long time and I think having my own place has a lot to do with that. My very own santuary. I always knew I'd want to live alone eventually but had no idea how calming and pleasant it is. I feel kinda like a queen or something just floating around in my own space, doing whatever I want...openly farting, singing, dancing.
The only furniture I have is my new bedroom set so I eat meals on a TV tray on my bed right now but in the next couple weeks I'll be getting more essentials. I have never used pinterest before and have found it totally addicting. I've lost hours on that site and I still don't 100% understand it. Buying furniture is a kind of panic I've never felt before because if I buy one thing that's tinted the wrong color or an inch too big the whole place is ruined and I'll start over...not really but you get it.
I think about my ex boyfriend sometimes but not like I used to. When I think of him and look at pictures or his facebook I get a very familiar de ja vu feeling. It's like those few moments when you wake up and you remember a dream but all you can picture is a couple things, not a full image. And you feel sentimental for a brief second but then the image becomes so fragmented you're able to move on from it quickly and easily. It's like trying to think about a memory that was never fully real. You can't miss it or be sad about not having it because there's nothing filling whatever it is you're trying to remember. So letting go to it is the most natural thing you've ever done...like blinking or sighing or openly farting in your own apartment.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
The ...
Sometime between last June and 2 weeks ago I realized I was reliving all the worst parts of my early 20s. And without the ease of painless hangovers. I was in the middle of my 10th year in the greatest city in the world but wasn't feeling so great. I couldn't remember why I was here. I was making choices I didn't like and felt less secure than when I had braces and breakouts. Being as close to NYC as possible was once my dream and I realized I didn't know the next part of my dream. I was suddenly very awake.
Did I want to find someone to settle down with, did I want a different job, did I want to go to grad school? Well, it turns out I wanted none of those things. All I knew is I couldn't keep doing what I was doing- waiting to be happy while living in the same repeat cycle.
I felt like the opening montage of Reality Bites which would be good, but at 29 it was exhausting and depressing. Everyone I knew had at least upgraded to Singles or even 9 Months but I was still montaging. (I'm in a 90's movie kick for some reason)
Anyways, enough vagueness-the Ex and I broke up again in October (not shocking) and I still hadn't found a job in Jan '14 and more friends were getting engaged while I was back to bar hookups and deciding drinking every night at my local bar was a good cure-all so when I got a job offer in Boston at the end of Jan. I said hellz yes and left New York.
I've been in Boston for over a week and things are going well. And by well I mean- I'm living with my brother, have an hour commute into work, pulled between friends/family, still paying rent in NYC, driving regularly for the first time in 10 years and living out of a suitcase BUT I absolutely think I made the right move. I'm even less tethered than I was in NYC but I feel more mentally together and focused than I have in a year.
I'll update soon but just wanted to let you know to keep following me here on this blog. I realized there's no reason to start totally over somewhere else when really all I'm doing is just continuing.
Did I want to find someone to settle down with, did I want a different job, did I want to go to grad school? Well, it turns out I wanted none of those things. All I knew is I couldn't keep doing what I was doing- waiting to be happy while living in the same repeat cycle.
I felt like the opening montage of Reality Bites which would be good, but at 29 it was exhausting and depressing. Everyone I knew had at least upgraded to Singles or even 9 Months but I was still montaging. (I'm in a 90's movie kick for some reason)
Anyways, enough vagueness-the Ex and I broke up again in October (not shocking) and I still hadn't found a job in Jan '14 and more friends were getting engaged while I was back to bar hookups and deciding drinking every night at my local bar was a good cure-all so when I got a job offer in Boston at the end of Jan. I said hellz yes and left New York.
I've been in Boston for over a week and things are going well. And by well I mean- I'm living with my brother, have an hour commute into work, pulled between friends/family, still paying rent in NYC, driving regularly for the first time in 10 years and living out of a suitcase BUT I absolutely think I made the right move. I'm even less tethered than I was in NYC but I feel more mentally together and focused than I have in a year.
I'll update soon but just wanted to let you know to keep following me here on this blog. I realized there's no reason to start totally over somewhere else when really all I'm doing is just continuing.
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