Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Today was a long, twelve hour non-stop work day filled with a lot of good work that I felt great about when the day wrapped around 8PM. Tonight was me rushing to get out of work, not having time to change or freshen up for dinner, and still being fifteen minutes late. If my taxi driver hadn’t stopped in the middle of the street to help a snowbound, broken down taxi then I might’ve been on time. The restaurant was posh and they served expensive drinks in coconut shells. The waiters were dressed in white jackets and there was a rum drinking fountain next to the bathroom. Welcome to Park Avenue.
I organized the dinner of my gay guy friend J, who I also work with and Z, a newer friend who works in the same industry as J and I. We talked shop for most of the night and ate really amazingly good food. I drooled over their drinks as they ordered seconds. I miss drinking. The conversation swung towards gossip and then about our families and college. Dating came up of course next.
I was tired from the long day and wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything fun- not the Brit and not my old BF. Not even the blowjob workshop I went to.
So when asked why I wasn’t dating anyone I just said ‘I don’t want to right now.” And I couldn’t muster the energy to explain anything else. I want to be okay with not dating right now but I’m not. I know it should be fine that I’m not trying and not open to it. I can’t muster the words ‘Do you know anyone single?’ to my friends.
I should be able to say, well I’ll be ready when I’m ready. But I feel like those excuses are cop outs. I don’t know what I want. Maybe a shag with the Brit will set me back on track in one set direction?
I was too tired to fight over the music to get in long winded anecdotes. So I was more of a comment girl tonight. My friend J got so overexcited about gossip and kept interrupting me. At one point I said ‘Can you PLEASE just let me finish my sentence!?’
I had a headache by the end of the night and lazily told Z that I’d call her for coffee next week. Instead of pushing to sort out my non-drinking side of the bill, I didn’t fight when J said we’d all split it evenly. I told them they each owed me drinks when I was back off the wagon.
During my five minute walk home, I fell on ice and started crying.
I lied on the cold, wet sidewalk for five minutes, not being able to move and literally whimpered. I wish I had been drunk. But I was sober and sad. All I wanted was someone to call and cry to. Someone to pick me up and help me walk the rest of the way home, which suddenly felt very long. I hobbled down 3 more streets and cried.
I could say that I was proud of myself that I got up alone after another big fall but that’s not how I felt. I wanted to be held and warmed in someone’s arms. I could say that the pain wasn’t that bad and I learned to watch my step. But the pain hurt all over and I was watching each step.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
What is it about sitting up in bed on a Friday night wearing my flannel pajamas, a high messy pony tail and no makeup, that actually makes me feel sexy? The hole in my left sock actually makes me feel better and not bumful. Is it because I just watched a few episodes of Call Girl or because I just put in a great, kickass week at work in my new position?
Is it because the stars have apparently shifted and the old bf is making a cameo appearance on my account at work for the month and working with him is actually the best safety net I could ask for since he comes with ten years more experience then me?
I’ve swallowed and wrapped my head around the close professional proximity and it’s working. I’m not just saying that to make one part of my brain shut up and feel more comfortable. I’m still in control. It’s still my team and my account and I’m the one jumping to be the voice on the conference call and walking tall into a room of fifteen senior creatives. I have on my power moves and power heels each day and I let him fend for himself without my consideration. I’m busy and I’m finally getting the respect I deserve at work. I’m taking it and it’s mine. I refuse to let anything get in my way.
I once had a boss that said to me ‘You have no idea how good you really are.” And when she said that, I didn’t get it. But her words stayed with me. I realized that sometimes you need that extra outside voice in your head when you haven’t yet been able to find your own, to remind you about your own capabilities and growth.
The growing pains never stop. It takes strength and energy to grow up and become more of the person we can be and want to be. It’s not an a to z straight line. Thirteen to thirty doesn’t happen over night. I’ll stumble and fall and let myself down and others. But the difference between youth and adulthood, is the ability to accept that questioning and failing is okay. The ability to push your voice out of your head even if you need an extra second to find it. The ability to recover from telling a bad joke or mispronouncing a word, a stumble while walking into an elevator or calling someone by the wrong name.
Each day (well so far in 2011 anyways) I believe that we must accept the following: what we can control and what we can’t. Let everything else go. We must deal that there’s today- no matter how big or small the goods and bads are in that one day, and then there’s the rest of our lives- which hold the weight and possibility of every thing else.
I remember that, or try to at least, when I can’t decide if I should buy another pack of cigarettes, when I can’t get to the gym as often as I like, when I feel like after a long work week I could do with a little bit more love in my life. Okay, maybe a lot more.
I remember that and I put on my flannels and I make a tuna sandwich and I watch Call Girl, and if necessary, I throw on a high pony tail and get out my favorite fuzzy sweatshirt. I fall asleep feeling good. Finally one step up the ladder from fine. Maybe it’s the break from drinking, the sole cooking exploratory I’ve finally taken on, my health kick or again, maybe I’ve just found the right pair of knee high brown boots that are helping me keep balance. Either way, I'll take it. For now- until I'm ready for more.