The Good and The Bad

I feel more accepting of me recently. Maybe it’s summer or my post traveling buzz still lingering, or maybe it’s just me growing up a tad. But I’ve really been okay with my decisions recently, when in the past a layer of doubt and overanalyzing would keep me up at night. I've really enjoyed letting go of that layer. I feel lighter, and dance to my iPod more during my walk to work.

We grow up to think that there’s good and evil and a clear line between the two. We get older and see no evidence of this line. The line is blurry and we all challenge our own definition of good and evil every day. I refuse to think that someone is all good and all evil. What we learn changes and growing up means accepting that new definition on the other side.

My current evil:

hooking up with the Brit again who now has a girlfriend

spending a Saturday day eating corn dogs, drinking and other recreational drugs

missing a meeting at work to go on a job interview

urges to reconnect with the old BF (what? a dream told me to!)

My current good:

my new kickball team

book club

Shabbat services on Friday nights

volunteering twice a month

Sometimes I’m truly amazed that this battle goes on inside of me. But it does, constantly. Neither side defines who I am. Both are parts of me and maybe it’s not even a battle but a constant up and down steady balance that just is? I don’t need to decide which one to be. Life isn’t about choosing between Pacy and Dawson...it’s about enjoying just having a choice.

What’s your battle like?

Poem: BBQ Fest

An update is coming soon. But in the meantime please enjoy this quirky poem by me inspired by the annual Big Apple BBQ Festival that took place this weekend.

It's about how simple reoccurring events in our lives remind us of the good and bad times when we least expect it. Enjoy!

Two years ago,

you paid and we sat with your friends.

We went back to my apartment,

napped, had sex

and went to your apartment.

We ate, had sex and went to bed.

You made me vanilla coffee in the morning.

Last year,

we were friends.

You invited me to join you.

I said I would.

But I couldn’t leave my apartment.

This year,

I walked past.

And didn’t think of you until later.

We aren’t friends.

Now, I hope you’re happy,

and banging a fatty whose bad in bed.

Down in front

I have a friend whose amazing at quieting my occasionally enraged ego and bringing me back down to earth. I've been a little on edge getting back into the groove of things after experiencing such a big, outer world for 10 days. Now I'm back in my inner, focused life, where everything is as I left it. And I'm realizing I need to take slightly more control of how things are. Letting go of some baggage and getting more of what I want. Parts of my life outside of work feel like there's no there, there. I'll admit, mostly social aspects and in my love life. I want to feel filled constantly, not just 10 days at a time with a passport.

My friend reminded me today that what we have now and currently are is the blessing we should appreciate. Everything else is extra and doesn't need to be focused on. The 'But I wants' and 'Shoulds' are just us battling ourselves. The head fighting the heart.

Too many times we're given blessings to be thankful for that we can't see right in front of us. Like the story of that guy whose town is flooding and he's waiting for a miracle to be saved and he doesn't see all the chances that are in front of him. The truth is that our happiness is left in the hands of us. We get handed toilet paper over and over again, but most of the time we don't realize it and it's only us that can wipe our own ass.

There's what we do and not do, what we ask for or wait for, happy or accept part of sadness. All one common factor- the self.

I've been catching up on the blogs and my own life since I've been away and everyone seems to be unhappy with what's in front of them. Pissed off at friends, left by loved ones, overlooked at work. What are we missing that we can't lead with our hearts and go after what we want to be content with what we have and are?