Dear Subconscious....You aren't helping reality!

I put in an 11 hour day at work yesterday. I was uptown at an edit, working with the creatives mostly via phone. It was a long yet productive day.

The old BF texted me in the afternoon asking if I wanted him to bring in another comic book for me Monday. He's been loaning me comic books since Walking Dead got on the air and I needed to catch up. I don't even say thank you anymore and I treat it the same way I do the public library. I replied Yes and suggested a couple titles. Ten minutes later I get another text from him:

'Sunday + Drinking = Dangerous'

I replied back:

'Sunday + Working = less dangerous.'

He then started asking me about what I was working on and how it was going. Next he offered to come in and help. I said no thank you. Then he asked if I needed a second pair of eyes. I said I was actually wearing my glasses so I have four. All set.

I wanted to mention to him that our internet kept flaking out so maybe he could do something about that. As if he was a technician and not producer. It would've been nice to hang out with him on a Sunday but he had been drinking and I was in work mode.

Last text from him- I have your back if you need.

Cut to this morning when I remember my dream.

I was in the edit suit with him and he was working on the internet problem. No one else was around. He was looking at all sorts of equipment and with a pouty face he concluded that 'my battery was dead and I needed a new one'. We both reached for the door knob at the same time and we ended up holding hands. He pulled me to him and we started making out. Ugh!

Great way to start a Monday huh?

Snowy Daze

Today was a long, twelve hour non-stop work day filled with a lot of good work that I felt great about when the day wrapped around 8PM. Tonight was me rushing to get out of work, not having time to change or freshen up for dinner, and still being fifteen minutes late. If my taxi driver hadn’t stopped in the middle of the street to help a snowbound, broken down taxi then I might’ve been on time. The restaurant was posh and they served expensive drinks in coconut shells. The waiters were dressed in white jackets and there was a rum drinking fountain next to the bathroom. Welcome to Park Avenue.

I organized the dinner of my gay guy friend J, who I also work with and Z, a newer friend who works in the same industry as J and I. We talked shop for most of the night and ate really amazingly good food. I drooled over their drinks as they ordered seconds. I miss drinking. The conversation swung towards gossip and then about our families and college. Dating came up of course next.

I was tired from the long day and wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything fun- not the Brit and not my old BF. Not even the blowjob workshop I went to.

So when asked why I wasn’t dating anyone I just said ‘I don’t want to right now.” And I couldn’t muster the energy to explain anything else. I want to be okay with not dating right now but I’m not. I know it should be fine that I’m not trying and not open to it. I can’t muster the words ‘Do you know anyone single?’ to my friends.

I should be able to say, well I’ll be ready when I’m ready. But I feel like those excuses are cop outs. I don’t know what I want. Maybe a shag with the Brit will set me back on track in one set direction?

I was too tired to fight over the music to get in long winded anecdotes. So I was more of a comment girl tonight. My friend J got so overexcited about gossip and kept interrupting me. At one point I said ‘Can you PLEASE just let me finish my sentence!?’

I had a headache by the end of the night and lazily told Z that I’d call her for coffee next week. Instead of pushing to sort out my non-drinking side of the bill, I didn’t fight when J said we’d all split it evenly. I told them they each owed me drinks when I was back off the wagon.

During my five minute walk home, I fell on ice and started crying.

I lied on the cold, wet sidewalk for five minutes, not being able to move and literally whimpered. I wish I had been drunk. But I was sober and sad. All I wanted was someone to call and cry to. Someone to pick me up and help me walk the rest of the way home, which suddenly felt very long. I hobbled down 3 more streets and cried.

I could say that I was proud of myself that I got up alone after another big fall but that’s not how I felt. I wanted to be held and warmed in someone’s arms. I could say that the pain wasn’t that bad and I learned to watch my step. But the pain hurt all over and I was watching each step.

Future Present

Another Friday night after a long week of work plus battling the end of a cold and the end of my period. My sleep this week was interrupted with texts from the Brit wanting me to come over. I see this role being presented to me (though on pause till my libido is avail again) and I can't help but being attracted to it. Me- calling the shots of when and where and what. Being able to wear my sexy lingerie again and being seduced or be the seducer. I know it won't be the same. The touch and feel from him won't have that connection that I learned and took comfort in, a million years ago.

A year ago in February- does it feel like a year ago to you guys? It's weird to look back on. I see that old part of myself that got broken off by him, and the new part that took me inches and long moments to grow on my own. It grew back, stronger for sure- but definitely in a different shape then before. I'm not rushing the healing process and I know I'm still in it. My ego, my heart, my trust, my confidence was all broken down because of him. In one twenty minute one-sided conversation at the Starbucks next to my apartment, he ruined the past year and my favorite Starbucks in that one sitting.

I go to a Borders now and sometimes a place in the Village. I don't think about that Starbucks. I've had better coffee since then.

Tonight my flannels were on by 8:30 and I had my knitting and tea to comfort me as I switched through my Tivo and filled up on cold medicine. I got a text from my friend M who needed outfit advice as she prepped for a dinner. She sent me a pic of what she was wearing- all black with great jewelry. She didn't need any advice, she looked great and ready for the night. An hour later I get a text from her saying she's outside my apartment.

I invite her up and am very confused at the short dinner. She clarifies that she hasn't gone yet and her 10PM reservations were now 10:20PM cause her date was running late. He's a lawyer, she explains, 34 and set up through a friend. This was their second date.

She was hoping that he was telling the truth- that the dinner was delayed because he got out of work late, and not that he had made a date prior to theirs. She had just met him so trust was still hovering over questionable. She left fifteen minutes later and made her way to the restaurant where he was delayed further. I'm hoping he made it up to her.

Is this how dating is now for girls? You get ready early and at your best, hoping the guy is telling the truth from the start but always seeing where the lies can fit in? You wait for hours, hoping that the wait is worth it just for one good meal, to see some glimmer of the good guy in a stranger?

My biggest fear is that if and when I start to put out that energy and hope again, that it won't be worth it for a long time.

Textual Promiscuity

1AM Sunday

Brit: Would you like to come over for breakfast tomorrow? I made good food!

Brit: do you want company right now?

Brit: call me when you get this!

me: (no response/ asleep)

11:20AM Tuesday

Brit: Just so you know I've begun seeing someone. Does that change anything? I want to be unfront with you. FYI I'm ok with it if you are!

me: That's cool that you're being up front about it. Does the girl you're seeing know it's not exclusive?

Brit: We haven't had the talk but I would assume she prob thinks we're exclusive. Let me know if you're okay with that or if you'd prefer to pass.

(pause 10 minutes)

me: Yeah I'm alright with it.

Cut to- Brit inviting me over to his place for 'lunch' today. Cut to me getting my period an hour before I'm supposed to see him/ start my role as his mistress. So my role has been delayed.

Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?

Why is it so hard to keep emotions out of sex?

I don't want to have this guilt when I haven't done anything wrong.

I don't want to be thinking about this other girl out there getting swept off her feet.

All I want is to have some fun and check the drama at the door so I can keep my guards up for as long as possible. I should end it, I know. But I want this comfort. I want this back up plan so not all parts of me are alone all the time. I want to feel sexy and wanted, even by this guy. It's not me being desperate or having low self esteem.

It's the opposite. It's me getting what I want and need right now. Setting the rules and boundaries. I just want this role, this little bit of fun for a little bit. Don't judge.

Okay, fine- judge.

I know what you're going to say but I'm not ready to date and get emotionally vulnerable again and I hate that I'm not ready.

But I close my eyes and I still see my old boyfriend.

I have two holes that I can't fully fill on my own - the emotional and the physical.

The Brit fills one intermittently and the other one I've had a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on since Valentine's Day 2010.

I'm hoping the universe will help me out when it comes time to open both of them up again.

Producer

What is it about sitting up in bed on a Friday night wearing my flannel pajamas, a high messy pony tail and no makeup, that actually makes me feel sexy? The hole in my left sock actually makes me feel better and not bumful. Is it because I just watched a few episodes of Call Girl or because I just put in a great, kickass week at work in my new position?

Is it because the stars have apparently shifted and the old bf is making a cameo appearance on my account at work for the month and working with him is actually the best safety net I could ask for since he comes with ten years more experience then me?

I’ve swallowed and wrapped my head around the close professional proximity and it’s working. I’m not just saying that to make one part of my brain shut up and feel more comfortable. I’m still in control. It’s still my team and my account and I’m the one jumping to be the voice on the conference call and walking tall into a room of fifteen senior creatives. I have on my power moves and power heels each day and I let him fend for himself without my consideration. I’m busy and I’m finally getting the respect I deserve at work. I’m taking it and it’s mine. I refuse to let anything get in my way.

I once had a boss that said to me ‘You have no idea how good you really are.” And when she said that, I didn’t get it. But her words stayed with me. I realized that sometimes you need that extra outside voice in your head when you haven’t yet been able to find your own, to remind you about your own capabilities and growth.

The growing pains never stop. It takes strength and energy to grow up and become more of the person we can be and want to be. It’s not an a to z straight line. Thirteen to thirty doesn’t happen over night. I’ll stumble and fall and let myself down and others. But the difference between youth and adulthood, is the ability to accept that questioning and failing is okay. The ability to push your voice out of your head even if you need an extra second to find it. The ability to recover from telling a bad joke or mispronouncing a word, a stumble while walking into an elevator or calling someone by the wrong name.

Each day (well so far in 2011 anyways) I believe that we must accept the following: what we can control and what we can’t. Let everything else go. We must deal that there’s today- no matter how big or small the goods and bads are in that one day, and then there’s the rest of our lives- which hold the weight and possibility of every thing else.

I remember that, or try to at least, when I can’t decide if I should buy another pack of cigarettes, when I can’t get to the gym as often as I like, when I feel like after a long work week I could do with a little bit more love in my life. Okay, maybe a lot more.

I remember that and I put on my flannels and I make a tuna sandwich and I watch Call Girl, and if necessary, I throw on a high pony tail and get out my favorite fuzzy sweatshirt. I fall asleep feeling good. Finally one step up the ladder from fine. Maybe it’s the break from drinking, the sole cooking exploratory I’ve finally taken on, my health kick or again, maybe I’ve just found the right pair of knee high brown boots that are helping me keep balance. Either way, I'll take it. For now- until I'm ready for more.