Turn Up The Radio

I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time. Strong and pretty and confidant and good at my job. And of course when one part of your life is good, the others...need work to balance things out. Nothing new happened with mg. At work there’s never a time to talk and I feel like we are different people when we are together outside of work. I don’t see this as a bad or mean thing, it’s just that we don’t work together on the same projects and there’s never really time to flirt. So it’s mostly radio silence during the day unless I shout out to him every time he goes to the bathroom. Awkward.

He left work before me tonight and lingered. I didn’t say much cause I was in work mode. I texted him when I left the office a half hour later and said ‘Just left the office, want to grab a beer?’ Radio silence.

Luckily, I’m on vacation starting now for 10 days and venturing to Berlin with a small tour group. My thoughts will be about beer and men and a language I don’t know in a City I don’t know and I can’t freaking wait! THIS is the environment I live for. I know no one on the trip and can’t wait to exercise the inner me!

I will leave mg and work behind for 10 days.

It’s silly really. He’s given me no real reason to fall for him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet or calling me every hour. He has yet to really use my number.

And yet, here I am, fallen. And I wish it was for a guy who was really fully there, deserving of my feelings. It’s just so much nothing...and my feelings are being wasted. Though I love the flirting and the random kisses and another reason to dress well, but I miss the return feelings and the certainty of being liked.

I miss feeling close with winks and smiles and inside jokes. I don’t miss the old BF but I miss the proximity I was able to have. If it’s not going to happen with mg then it’ll be someone else. I just wish they were here already. Because I’m ready.

I want to mentally kick myself again. Because even though I keep reminding myself to let this crush just be a crush, I checked my cell about a dozen times after I hit send. Why is it that even though when our brains know the reality, our hearts still like to play the game even though the other player is barely there?

Perhaps less tequila...

It happened again and yes, tequila was involved and we were out in our work group including the old boyfriend. The night had been filled with back and forth smiles and him occasionally putting his hand on my back and letting it linger. I’m not sure if anyone saw but I felt a constant pull to him. I don’t know if I leaned back into his hand, but I should’ve.

At one point him and my old BF were standing side by side, MG is taller. When I realized this I couldn’t help but smile. MG glowed in comparison and I saw gold coins click above his head.

The old BF reminds me of Marty McFly fading away in Back to the Future 2. And I’m really okay with that. It’s amazing to look at someone and not care what they say or do when sometime ago that same person made or broke every moment of my day. Who da thought?

So the night went on and more beer was had and then it was just the two of us sitting on bar stools and leaning towards each other. It again, felt like a fuzzy combo of a date and a drinking buddy.

At one point he said ‘So tell me everything about you.’

I said ‘I don’t like coconut.’

I’m a charmer, what can I say? I’m not ready to open up to him. I want to and there’s so much I could tell him and Iet him actually be there and be whatever he’s going to be.

But a couple of things- he doesn’t contact me outside of work and he hasn’t asked me out one on one. We haven’t talked about the make out on Cinco de Mayo.

I wanted to bring it up the other night but the words never left my mouth. The night ended with him walking me home and yes... we did walk one block in the wrong direction due to the fuzziness from tequila, but we made it. In front of my apartment we kissed a few times but not made out. It was different this time...it felt more polite then anything else.

What I want next- one on one time with less drinking.

What will happen- more smiles across the office and me waiting for him to make a move, hoping we don’t get stuck in the friends zone. Perhaps I need lower cut shirts?

Never Be

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl who'd squeal when a guy would kiss her ...until he did. This kiss was sweet and nervous and I'll take it a dozen more times. And thank you and the powers that be, but it was from him- reaching down to me and kissing over and over again. My heart melts. And I really don't care what happens next. We could forget it all but I'd still have that moment of slowly reaching in, slower. I couldn't have written it better and I love writing. All of a sudden we were inches and we smiled, and we were closer, and then I ducked and smiled and he did the same. Over and over again. Until, he kissed me. And I pulled back in surprise and reached in for more. And we both blushed and realized what happened.

It's in writing now...no matter what happens, I'll take tonight and be so fucking happy about what happens next, I'll take an inch. Any inch.