I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend when he turned to me and said, “Wait, I thought you were happy being single?”
I don’t know what I said that set him off but I replied quickly. “Whose happy being single?” He brought up the benefit of casual sex and I agreed but his question stayed with me.
Have I been happy being single this past months? I know my vag hasn’t been but I haven’t really thought about my emotional and mental self. I got really good at ignoring it.
I felt it tonight.
And maybe it’s just the burst of Spring and the abundance of pregnancies and engagements that come with it, but I felt that old deep pang of loneliness when I left work tonight.
That pang and frustration that comes with turning around and not having a safety net.
The doubt that comes with knowing that though it’s up to me whether I go out or stay in on a Friday night, there’s no one that will really care.
The sadness that comes with waiting for that guy, or any guy, to see you and give you the attention you deserve. And the sadness gets worse as the waiting continues.
There’s a piece that’s missing when you know you’re amazing, are told that you’re amazing but still don’t get to the next step of returned affection. It doesn’t help that these compliments mostly come from married or engaged men whose next thought is probably ‘Why is she single’ which luckily I haven’t heard out loud yet.
In the last two days from two different unavailable guys I heard ‘this is why I like you..’ and they went on to describe the awesome qualities I already know about myself. And though compliments like this make me glow, at the same time I just wonder why are all the wrong men noticing my awesomeness?
Am I too awesome and confident to the point where I seem unobtainable? It could be possible. Look at Buffy.