Monday, April 29, 2013

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

A funny thing happens as you grow into your late 20s- suddenly there's less people to blame for things that you do- the over drinking, the over sleeping, the over eating, the missing doctors appointments, the missing train departures, the missing birthdays...I'm sure you know the list.

Then, if a friendship slowly fades it might not be someone else's fault. You may have to look back and remember what you could've done to be a better friend but simply didn't.
The reason of why may be clear or completely blurry at the time.

I'm not sure which kind of relationship is hard in your 20s- that with a male or female?

Recently I'm thinking the friendship between female besties is the most challenging.
There's been numerous articles and books about female friendships- how they change as you get older, how to maintain them while you have a boyfriend/husband, and especially
how some end.
I'm a firm believer that who ever you meet teaches you something about yourself whether you know that lesson at that moment or not.

I love that saying about how some people are meant to be a cameo in your life, others stay for a season and others are lifers. As I get older I realize that it's easier to accept the differences between different friendships with that in mind. But it's still hard to figure out why some people end up being you friends 'forever' while others are just seasonal.

And then it gets confusing like what if a lifer turns into more of a cameo? It feels like a relationship going backwards, Benjamin Button style. We'd like to think most friendships start quick and last a long time but what if the long friendship suddenly feels like a one night stand that you just both want to wiggle away from? 

What if the idea of having 1 more meal with your bestie makes your toes curl? 

I'm currently going through this now with a friend of mine and today I emailed her to acknowledge it. She's been one of my closest friends for over 3 years and one of the first non-work, non-college friends I made. She was my city friend.

A partner in high heels, and boy drama and late nights. A friend at book club and brunch and friday night temple. Someone to call to just say hi. An already assumed 'yes' on the RSVP list.

In the email, I explained I started distancing myself because I'm not sure how to be her friend anymore.
I wish friendships were easier like they seemed to be just a few years ago, when you were there for your friends no matter what.

It's painful to wake up one morning and realize you aren't sure what to say to your best friend because you don't think she's listening anymore. She stopped telling you her secrets so you close up your end. It's like one day we started speaking different languages that we didn't have the energy to interpret.

We had lunch a few months ago and everything I said seemed to be not what she wanted to hear. She didn't like that I didn't like this season of Girls, that I didn't know a fashion designer she was wearing, that I was asked questions about her office politics. She didn't want to talk about her boyfriend or her family. I didn't pry and she didn't open open.
Maybe we outgrew each other at some point in the last year in between book club and brunches.

Maybe we just don't need each other now but will some other time.
I don't expect her to reply to my email because I think she knows that our friendship has already taken a backseat. Though the parts of where exactly our friendship went are gray, I feel a little better now knowing that the ending is in black and white whether she wants to read it or not.


  1. Friendships, indeed relationships are hard to keep. Maybe it is our society, the distance we keep, the tools we use that keep us at a distance.

    We live too long and we change too much.

  2. Friendships are harder to maintain that boyfriend/girlfriend I think. It takes extra effort, but I think the pay out is much more.

    It sucks to have a friendship end. I had my best friendship abruptly end after a stupid (really fucking stupid) argument. Although we seem to both be making an effort to get back into talking again. Its better to express how you are feeling, rather than being quiet and sticking around just so you can be 'a friend' to someone, while they are not a friend to you.

    Late 20's and into your 30's you realize all your mistakes and think about how much time you wasted trying to prove yourself to others.

    1. I agree with Danielle, very very true. I have let some friendships play out, but others just needed a little conversation and time to get back on track. You did send the email, so that is a huge gesture on your part. If she chooses to pass up on you, her loss, you know you tried. I will say, some of my "best" gal friendships aren't best friends anymore, but they are still friends, dear ones, we just don't see or talk to each other much, but when we do, it is always wonderful. Perhaps this is where this friendship is heading. Just like romantic relationships, sometimes things change and cannot be remedied and it is okay as long as there was a resolution.