Hater

I hate that my best friend isn't talking to me for something she did. And I hate that I don't have the energy to call her out on it. I fear that she'll turn it around on me and find someway to make this my fault. Spoiler alert- it's really not. I hate that I try to feel comfortable with picking up wine and gnocchi alone on a Saturday night but really hate it. I hate that's been 4 years and I don't know if I've let anyone really in during that time. I hate that the hits keep coming and I'm just used to it all at this point. Ducking and trying to fight back and really just reacting to each battle that comes. I have no real updates or growths on myself because everything else takes over. What I want and who I am have fallen to the wayside. I fall and don't fall into a life at the same time. So instead, I watch a lot of The Mindy Show and miss New York. And I buy lots of shoes online after finishing the bottle of wine and miss when I walked cobblestone steps fearlessly. And I hate that I have to wait till tomorrow to feel better, but I do. I wait. And I hope that sometime soon I'll have the courage to chase the things I want and not hate the things I'm used to.