Growing up without sucking

“There are three types of people in the world- suckers, victims and grownups. Being a grownup means you get to choose your own destiny.” -Instant Star

I’ve spent the last two years being the first two types and I’m pretty fucking tired of it.

It’s a struggle every day to be as self aware as I can be and to go after the things I want- big or small.

It’s so easy to get sucked in and be naive and get taken advantage of.

To sit and do nothing, to not react. To have your mind removed from your body and then beat yourself up over it later.

I’ve wasted nights and good makeup just waiting for things around me to change.

I’ve wasted mornings being frozen in bed just waiting for a reason to start my day.

I need to remember that people don’t change. We are who we are.

And it becomes our own fault for being stuck around sucky situations and sucky people.

Why is it so hard for me to fully realize that my old boyfriend fully sucks?

I need to look at the bigger picture. Drunk, sleaze, workaholic, depressed.

Not in love with me.

Hell, that’s just the small picture.

Any more time I spend being miserable about wanting him or missing him or thinking he’s the only man who’ll ever be able to make me feel whole, well...that makes me a sucker.

The time that was sucked away during our relationship while I was learning about the small picture mentioned above, well that time I was a victim.

I’ve learned though. Though I’m still sorting out how to put my lessons into actions, I’ve learned the difference of who I was and who I am now.

Then, I was someone who couldn’t see past rose colored glasses, and now, I’m someone who knows I’m done being the sucker.

I’m done being the one constantly trying to figure out how to not get hurt again.

The pain will always be there. The victim doesn’t know where the pain comes from, the sucker blames herself for the pain and the grown up learns to deal with the pain and chooses to make it stop.

The grown up accepts that there will be no apology emails or calls, no mysterious flowers from a secret admire, and no guy to chase after you in the rain. The sucker keeps looking and waiting. Well, ladies and gents, I’m done sucking.

Ouch

Well last night was interesting... After a weekend of hosting friends and family I rallied and joined some coworkers out for karaoke. The group ended up being pretty small and at the end of the night it was me, the old BF, guy coworker and a girl who used to work with us.The old BF got very very drunk. Sloppy and slurry.

I ended up talking to the guy coworker and we both noticed that the other two were talking lower and closer. Our conversation became more superficial as we eavesdropped and realized they were talking about relationships and each other.

He was saying how he respected her and how he’s been burned before. I couldn’t hear the whole conversation but that was the gist of it.

It was getting late at that point and my mood had quickly turned dark. I couldn’t look at him. I was in shock. We all went out into the snow and walked to get taxis. I quickly got in my own and saw him and her getting in one together. I felt like I was watching a bad movie.

This morning I feel empty and angry. Not sad, which I guess is good. The pit in my stomach is turning uneasily and I don’t know what to do. I know it’s been a year and he can do what he wants. But to be in such a small group last night and not even take my feelings into consideration, to me- shows no respect. I want to say something to him. I want to tell him that the end of the night made me uncomfortable. And I’d never do that to him and that if that’s how he’s going to act when we all go out then I don’t want the invite.

I just don’t understand any of it anymore and maybe it’s time to pop back into therapy.

I know I’m awesome and deserve a happy ending but I feel like I’m a million miles away from it. I feel myself getting more closed off and cynical.

I want the relationship I had. I want him to wake up and love me.

I got a text from him this morning that thanked me for coming out last night. I want to write back and say fuck off.

So I’m assuming you’re going to tell me not to call? By the way she’s fat and not pretty. For some reason, it makes me feel worse. Help. I’m now officially stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Stuck Like Glue

I’m still here a year later. I don’t mean some dark past premonition of me not being up and kicking. I meant, I’m still here, blogging and figuring out the post relationship pieces of me.

A year ago I was there. And you should know that his tie and the lingerie I wore that night are in a bag in my linen closet. Friends told me I should’ve returned the tie and pocketed the thirty bucks. But I kind of like knowing those things are still around. Like mental reminders that I can flash to.

I think of them now and how they were in the bag I packed for what would be my last weekend at his place. I could barely close that bag. I had over stuffed it with all of my last attempts to put something into the relationship. Instead of verbalizing what I was feeling (cause I didn’t know how) I had over planned for the weekend and set the bar too high. I begged with my eyes, and mentally strained some invisible inner power to reach him that weekend. I had never felt so alone and unloved. It was the first Valentines Day I was in a relationship and it was all a one-sided farce.

Sometimes I'm disgusted with the cowardly blind girl I was. I want to yell back at her 'Do something! Make a ruckus! Yell in his face! Grow a pair!'

A year later, as I spent the day seeing the mailroom deliver flowers and hearing coupley plans spread around the office, I choked up. Not crying with tears choked up, but I literally had a mental cringe and physical ‘ugh’ all day.

A part of me doesn’t believe in love or successful relationships. A part of me fully believes that all relationships fail, whether it’s 25 days in or 25 years. People can’t handle that kind of dedicate intimacy to one person.

A part of me believes that I’ll never get in the dating pool again. I’ll never kiss all those frogs to find a prince. Purely, because I don’t want to waste my time.

A part of me believes that I’ll be on this solo wolf path for awhile and then I’ll meet someone and I won’t even question it. I’ll be wined and dined and dipped by a guy whose older and knows how to kiss and knows how to take down walls and knows how to reassure a girl whose been hit hard. He’ll love me and say it. He’ll make me yell and not tiptoe around him. I’ll make demands and needs. We’ll push and pull each other. And he’ll kiss me first and not later.

A part of me believes that the pain I felt over the last year is still learning how to settle each day.

A part of me believes that he knows what he’s doing when he brings up inside jokes from our relationship, and he’s doing it on purpose to build something between us again.

A part of me believes that he has no idea the pain he stirs up when he brings up inside jokes from our relationship-- which makes a year ago a distant memory that I happily keep more distant each day.

Alright fine!

Am I happy about how things are and how my nights have been ending?

Well, no.

I'm putting my focus into this new job because I can. And during the day when I get positive feedback, my whole body glows. During the day, I have a purpose. And I don't mind the long hours because I like putting myself into this one thing. I let it take over and push me because I'm learning how to push back and become good.

I'm learning more and more about the sound and level of my own voice in a room filled with half a dozen middle aged men. Them all stopping and listening to what I have to say because I'm the one who moves things forward. I don't hesitate. I worry about mistakes and they do happen. But I move forward as quickly as possible. I handle the next call and next email. Is this how workaholics begin? Probably.

Am I focusing on work maybe a little too much and pushing the other parts of my life onto back burners. Do family and friends just seem like interruptions now? Am I forgetting how to enjoy my self? Yeah.

Am I really allowed to say, 'Well I'm just focusing on work right now. I'm too tired to socialize.'

Yes, BUT- I'm 26 and have no interest in dating. When I think of trying to date and the idea of me being in another relationship, it's as if someone is trying to get me to eat coconut. And I hate coconut. It's an immediate head shake for me. Why? Seriously.

To my own credit I'm pretty and slim and a strong working woman and in all honesty I'm too independent and unobtainable. I'm unreachable and closed off. I'm good at it. It's what I've always been able to do and it's how I function. I look after me, I keep a distance. I have my close friends and for some reason I make everyone else work really hard to get to know me. The old BF got in. And my walls came down. And now they're back up.

And yes, I wish someone pushed for me to go to that dinner. But I don't know what battles to fight right now.

Do I probably need to get good and drink and maybe laid? Do I perhaps need a great kiss or someone to just hold my hand? Do I need to just get out of the damn city or spend more time at the gym? Do I need a hug from my mom or take my head out of my ass? Do I need to hear I Love You or go do hot yoga? I don't know. After close to a 70 hour work week, I'm tired. So someone else please answer my questions well I check out for the weekend.

Ego Check

I’ve already worked a sixty hour week and it’s not even Friday. I’ve worked my ass off this week getting this project done. Taking over more roles then what’s required, stuck in edit rooms for hours at a time, surrounded by men with ADD and bad food. Tomorrow I’m putting on a dress and heels to remind myself I have estrogen and that fart jokes aren’t funny.

I need to keep my ego in check and I’ll tell you why. I’m the one who needs to double check everything and then check again. I’m still learning this job and this world. It’s easy to get sucked in and think, I know exactly what I’m doing. I deserve all the perks and recognition now. (Especially after this kind of week.)

I didn’t officially get invited to the client dinner tonight (ouch) so in an effort to distract myself after the project wrapped, I went to a coworkers going away party at a bar. I ended my dry month and had two much needed vodka sprites. Many work people were there including J, C and the Chihuahua/L. In between my first and second drink, I looked around and had a very sobering thought, ‘I’m not ready for this.’

It was a little after 9 and the late nighters were already ordering drunken food and starting a dance party. L was already climbing over couches, plopping down next to me and said how badly we needed to hang out cause it had been ‘for-eh-ver!’. I gave her a polite nod. A charming director rep, said he needed to take me out to dinner next week to talk about reels. (Aside, he doesn’t like me, it’s literally his job to take producers out and charm them). C was getting cranky and L was very drunk. A creative director I’ve spoken to twice leaned over to me and said ‘Hey! I know nothing about you. I have 2 kids in college. What’s your story?’

I was getting texts from the old BF who was bored at the client dinner. And yes, he got to go because he covered a shoot. (Another hit to my ego, especially cause he’s been on the account 2 weeks) I was getting texts from one of my creatives saying how I should’ve come to dinner because they were eating and drinking like kings and getting very drunk. At that point, I had already left the bar and was heading home.

Even though I know no one in a happy relationship and last post I started to show my growing loneliness in not having a man to pick me up, it felt great tonight, when I could excuse myself from the group and get my coat and leave, without having to tell anyone why.

There was not one single person there who I needed to say goodbye to. I didn’t need to talk about work anymore, I didn’t need to have another drink and dance, especially with people that I don’t feel the night to say goodbye to. I forgot how good it feels to leave the party early, especially on your own terms.

I made a choice. For the sake of my ego pushing and pulling at me, for the sake of me wanting a golden plaque with my name on it now, for the sake of me fighting for genuine people in my life when this industry is filled with title droppers, I made a choice.

I’m going to do my job well but the rest will be on my own terms. For example, I’ll push to get invited to that client dinner, when I’m running shoots and the client actually knows my name. Until then, I’ll double check everything and check it again and accept that sometimes after a seventy hour week, having 2 drinks, saying polite hellos without my life story and being in bed by 10 is all that I need on a Thursday night.

Dear Subconscious....You aren't helping reality!

I put in an 11 hour day at work yesterday. I was uptown at an edit, working with the creatives mostly via phone. It was a long yet productive day.

The old BF texted me in the afternoon asking if I wanted him to bring in another comic book for me Monday. He's been loaning me comic books since Walking Dead got on the air and I needed to catch up. I don't even say thank you anymore and I treat it the same way I do the public library. I replied Yes and suggested a couple titles. Ten minutes later I get another text from him:

'Sunday + Drinking = Dangerous'

I replied back:

'Sunday + Working = less dangerous.'

He then started asking me about what I was working on and how it was going. Next he offered to come in and help. I said no thank you. Then he asked if I needed a second pair of eyes. I said I was actually wearing my glasses so I have four. All set.

I wanted to mention to him that our internet kept flaking out so maybe he could do something about that. As if he was a technician and not producer. It would've been nice to hang out with him on a Sunday but he had been drinking and I was in work mode.

Last text from him- I have your back if you need.

Cut to this morning when I remember my dream.

I was in the edit suit with him and he was working on the internet problem. No one else was around. He was looking at all sorts of equipment and with a pouty face he concluded that 'my battery was dead and I needed a new one'. We both reached for the door knob at the same time and we ended up holding hands. He pulled me to him and we started making out. Ugh!

Great way to start a Monday huh?

Snowy Daze

Today was a long, twelve hour non-stop work day filled with a lot of good work that I felt great about when the day wrapped around 8PM. Tonight was me rushing to get out of work, not having time to change or freshen up for dinner, and still being fifteen minutes late. If my taxi driver hadn’t stopped in the middle of the street to help a snowbound, broken down taxi then I might’ve been on time. The restaurant was posh and they served expensive drinks in coconut shells. The waiters were dressed in white jackets and there was a rum drinking fountain next to the bathroom. Welcome to Park Avenue.

I organized the dinner of my gay guy friend J, who I also work with and Z, a newer friend who works in the same industry as J and I. We talked shop for most of the night and ate really amazingly good food. I drooled over their drinks as they ordered seconds. I miss drinking. The conversation swung towards gossip and then about our families and college. Dating came up of course next.

I was tired from the long day and wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything fun- not the Brit and not my old BF. Not even the blowjob workshop I went to.

So when asked why I wasn’t dating anyone I just said ‘I don’t want to right now.” And I couldn’t muster the energy to explain anything else. I want to be okay with not dating right now but I’m not. I know it should be fine that I’m not trying and not open to it. I can’t muster the words ‘Do you know anyone single?’ to my friends.

I should be able to say, well I’ll be ready when I’m ready. But I feel like those excuses are cop outs. I don’t know what I want. Maybe a shag with the Brit will set me back on track in one set direction?

I was too tired to fight over the music to get in long winded anecdotes. So I was more of a comment girl tonight. My friend J got so overexcited about gossip and kept interrupting me. At one point I said ‘Can you PLEASE just let me finish my sentence!?’

I had a headache by the end of the night and lazily told Z that I’d call her for coffee next week. Instead of pushing to sort out my non-drinking side of the bill, I didn’t fight when J said we’d all split it evenly. I told them they each owed me drinks when I was back off the wagon.

During my five minute walk home, I fell on ice and started crying.

I lied on the cold, wet sidewalk for five minutes, not being able to move and literally whimpered. I wish I had been drunk. But I was sober and sad. All I wanted was someone to call and cry to. Someone to pick me up and help me walk the rest of the way home, which suddenly felt very long. I hobbled down 3 more streets and cried.

I could say that I was proud of myself that I got up alone after another big fall but that’s not how I felt. I wanted to be held and warmed in someone’s arms. I could say that the pain wasn’t that bad and I learned to watch my step. But the pain hurt all over and I was watching each step.