Everything Sounds Better With An Accent

Tonight my hairdresser told me the key to true love while making me more blonde. 

He added more gloss to my dark roots and in his thick Israeli accent said the key is being able to smell the other person’s mouth. I had him repeat it a few times just so I knew nothing was getting lost in translation. 

He laughed to himself and checked my foils. 

If you can stand the smell of the mouth no matter what, you’re meant to be together. Then, if you can stand the smell of the fart, you are all set. No problem. 

He goes on and tells me how the girls in his chair ask him for advice about guys all the time. They say they don’t know what to do, they don’t know what things mean, they don’t know where things are going. Standard Cosmo crisis.

He asks them 2 questions : what do you want? what does he want?

He’s better than any bartender, bouncer and therapist I’ve heard from on this arena so that’s the main reason I’ve been going to him for the last five years. It doesn’t hurt that his haircuts are amazing...and he gives me wine.

He also wears tight pants. 

Each time I sit in his chair every four months, he whispers in my ear the same thing: how is your Jewish boyfriend? 

I remind him I’ve never had a Jewish boyfriend. And he questions me some more until he’s assured that I don’t have a boyfriend. 

He ends the session by whispering close again and saying ‘You will meet a good Jewish boy’.

He’s worse than my mother in that sense which is why sometimes I just read a magazine.

I told him I was talking to my ex boyfriend again and he asked me his 2 questions. 

I blushed and giggled, unable to answer him with a straight face. 

My mind struggled between the plot lines of the Great Gatsby and 50 Shades. 

“I know what I want, but I don’t think it’s going to happen”

I shoved away the scenes of elevator and car hookups playing in my head. I may need to read less. When is True Blood back on? 

“I don’t know what he wants.” I said, just as the ex texted me asking if we were still on for drinks tomorrow night.

My hairdresser asked if I needed to get my phone and I shook my head, taking another gulp of wine. 

He leaned in close again and whispered. 

“Well, you figure it out tomorrow. In the meantime you’ll have sexy, beautiful hair. You have beautiful hair, did I tell you that?”

Wading in Low Tide

Have you ever put something on pause and then not been able to remember how to hit play again? 

I find myself struggling with that one on the treadmill a couple times a week and in my own life. Unpausing.

I put myself on hold months ago...okay maybe a few years ago. And why is it that not until someone else holds up a mirror that I realize how not far I’ve come? How stuck I’ve been for reasons that just stopped existing. 

I guess that’s the time to see a therapist huh? When you can’t remember why you follow your own rules. When the rules stop adding to your life but take away from it.

All of a sudden I realize what a tight box I’ve put myself in. I count and restrict everything- to the number of drinks I have, to who I talk to, to the days of the week I socialize, to the amount of food I eat. 

And I’ve been setting up these rules because controlling what I eat and who I talk to are things I can control. Everything else...all the big slices of pie, I apparently can't control.

I saw my ex tonight. He initiated it after weeks of asking. 

Nothing 50 Shades happened. It shows you that I’ve been reading that book too much to think we were going to get crazy in an alley way or taxi. Or elevator. That would’ve been awesome. He was sweet and nice and paid. 

My guard was up. If someone took the Great Wall of China and flipped it vertically then that will show you how high my guard was tonight with him. Even betwen my lines of bullshit, he reminded me that I need to do things for myself and I told him it was on the to- do list. 

I consider it a bad day when I realize that I may be a tad more messed up then my ex right now. I cried when I got home.

This was the first ex-hang post cry I’ve had in years where I cried not because of him, but cause of me. 

I don’t like the job, or city I’m in and fill my empty love life slice in with family time. I have fillers and nothing concrete right now. I’m in limbo.

My mother says life happens in tides- there’s low tide and high tide. I tell her I’ve been in low tide for years. And she doesn’t disagree. She tells me to see a therapist to discuss my control issues. She tells me to blow my nose and go to bed.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...

Once A Wii, Always A Wii...

There are a lot of things that I’ve wondered since my ex and I broke up 2 years ago...but there’s one question that’s more...technical that maybe you can help me with. 

I used to stay at his place on the weekends and one of our favorite things to do was play his Wii. 

Wii and cooking were like our foreplay. The first time we played he made me into an avatar. Every inch of myself was transformed into a small cartoon on his big flat screen.

As we played I saw some of his friends who I’d met cheer us on and also his parents, who I never met. If there were avatar ex girlfriends in the audience then he never told me. And I never thought to ask. I'll add that to the list.

I wonder though, if I’m still there in his Wii. Am I randomly cheering him on in the audience while he plays now? Did he delete me? 

Is that how he sees me now in real life... him being in control of when the game is turned on or off and who plays and how much. Doesn't it feel like it? That he's the one still making up the rules and I'm just left playing catch up, still learning the buttons of the remote.

But I’m always there whether I like it or not for him to see whether an avatar or in real life.

Since I’ve decided to keep him away in an attempt to start my own new game is that fair to him? He’s assuming our game is still going on. We were a We for almost a year...he's not a random I can phase out- though I've been trying for months, he's still reaching out consistently into my non-replys.

Maybe we always stay as a We with the people we date no matter how long we’re together. There’s always a version out there that shows who we were then that no one can touch. A part of who we are now, just inactive.

So I wonder, as time moves on and months pass with no interaction, is the We the same? If I could go back and be a We, would I? Knowing that it won’t last forever would I still want to be a part of the We? I haven’t been a Wii since him, so I guess I know my answer. 

Clean Plate

I don’t need a therapist to tell me I’ve immersed myself in the family slice of my pie of life in order to ignore the empty slice that is my love life. 

75% of my day today was filled up with family time via text and calls and 25% was filled up with work. That’s why I thought it was an excellent idea to have 3 glasses of wine during the Fifty Shades book club tonight and text train guy as well as my ex. 

Don’t worry- after 1 text from ex, I deleted his response and wiped it from my memory. It was like it never happened. Give a girl a break. 

I knew what I wanted from him- an immediate response. And that’s what I got. Mission accomplished. I’m a master at the text small talk.

Train guy also texted me back right away. Again, I was 3 glasses of wine deep and after my very limited drinking as of late- this sadly affected me immediately. I suggested we get a drink this weekend. He’s out of town but suggested next week. The banter continued for about a half hour. 

It got to the point where my book club girls yelled at me and had 2 other members act out the texts in front of the group of fifteen. I siped water.

Again, I got what I wanted- immediate entertainment and a possible date (ahem, ignoring the fact that he has a gf)

I’m smoking cigarettes again (this week). Did I mention family life draws my in to the point of me being overwhelmed and stressed? It's a good distraction from that lack of love pie. 

Don't judge.

And while I was chain smoking outside my apartment after book club, I buzz dialed my bestie in Boston. 

I needed to hear things like I don’t need to be in therapy. 

I’m doing okay. I need a rest. 

I need a night out. I need a break. 

She knew what to say, thank god for ten year friendships. 

I hugged the phone before going back inside. 

Then I walk inside my apartment and it smells of windex and air. The cleaning lady my roommate hired had been here. 

I walk in my bedroom 

and there’s folded laundry and no dust and space and my bed is made an entirely different way. 

My pillows are set in a different order. 

For whatever reason, knowing that someone had been here wiping away the dust and clearing clutter for me while I was out dealing with my overwhelming life pie, 

gave me a sense of relief that nicotine hasn’t brought me all week.

Seeing a physical clearing when I’ve been struggling to get a mental one for months 

is something I couldn’t have asked for but has helped, at least in a little baby step, small slice of pie crust kind of way.

Here’s to tomorrow. 

Pick Me Up Before You Go-Go

Best pickup line I heard recently came from the guy I was sitting next to on an Amtrak Sunday night. “Well...it’s not like I’m married.”

This was after we spent almost three hours flirting/verbally abusing each other.

Note to all future guys who sit next to me on trains or coffee shops: the more I make fun of your tattoos, job, hometown or music taste = the more I like you. I abuse you and make you wonder if I like you and then charm your pants off by quoting Caddyshack or My Cousin Vinny. Then I pull out my Jane Austen book and really keep them guessing. You’ll be in love with me by the time I start mentioning my love for Jack Daniels.

(Side note: BUT will you call/text me is the cliffhanger, mind boggling question.)

We talked and flirted and winked and glanced at each other and at one point I noticed the annoyingly cute photo booth picture of him and a chick on his iPhone. When we were up at ground level, hesitating around each other, I mentioned it. And he came back with that line above. Guess who walked away with my phone number?
I reassured myself with a phone call to my mother who said “Well maybe you’re the one who will steal him away.”

Yes, my mother is routing for me so much that I’m not scolded for hitting on a guy whose involved. I think if he had a ring on she would still tell me to put me hair down and go for it. Maybe even buy him a drink at the cafe cart.

I’ve been ignoring all three sirs mentioned here and they’re still contacting me on a regular basis. Can anyone tap into the male psyche for a hot second and fill me in.

What’s up with that? Can’t you just let a girl go pine elsewhere and flirt with unavailable men?

Haven’t heard from Amtrak guy of course. But do I have a cat video in my inbox from my ex? Of course! Side note: not a euphemism. 

Paying Fines

It was Saturday night and I was at a distant relative’s birthday party. I was in deep family mode all weekend and mentally felt miles away from everything and everyone.

It also helped that I was treated to stay at the same hotel as everyone else downtown. A surprise stay-cation to maximize bonding.

Sometime that night I looked at my phone. Three texts.

If you’ve been paying attention the last few years you know who they’re from.

The ex, the brit and the newest member- BB, the biker boy.

I stared at their texts and felt a combination of disgust and anxiety. I thought for a few minutes how to answer each one. Each wanted something different from me. But not enough to excite me.

The ex suggested a movie I should watch on television,

the brit wanted to join me in my hotel room late night,

and BB wanted to know how my week was.

Three different levels of small talk I was too far away to deal with.

I couldn’t think of how to respond.

And then I realized. I didn’t want any of them.

Even if they were all somehow combined, I still didn’t want them.

What did they want with me?

Why couldn’t my ex leave me alone?

Why couldn’t the brit realize our casual bed time had turned dull?

Why didn’t BB at least attempt to make a joke?

Though the brit called me late night and my ex texted me a few more times in the weekend, I continued to ignore them. Not one reply.

Today I believe in something greater then these nothing nothing men. There’s a something out there that won’t leave me with questions.

That won't leave me with doubt. I'm not stuck with these three.

This is not my story. I will make them my past.

Alone they are like unpaid library fines. Constantly there giving me polite reminders they exist in my world somewhere but not a big enough threat to stress me out.

Then they hit all at once Saturday night and I realized it was time to wipe them all clean.

I don’t know what will happen.

I could get a new fine but today I believe that one day, and hopefully one day soon, I’ll check out something I like and will return in time...no questions asked.

I Had Fun To.

His grammar clearly isn't up to par but he does laugh at my jokes and drives a motorcycle.

My friend set me up during the Passover seder we co-hosted on Friday night. He brought his sister and potato vodka. He was confused as to why I wasn't drinking but I kept things simple and blamed my stomach bug from a few weeks ago. But he's 24 so anyone who doesn't drink or stay up till 3am seems just a little off to him. He gave me looks when I was drinking decaf tea towards midnight. But he did laugh at my jokes.

When he joined my friend and I out bowling last night I learned more about him. The more I learned the less I wish I knew. Enjoy:

He lives at home...almost 2 hours outside the city by train.

He hates trains and the city. And he hates smart phones.

He's not in his off/on again set building job right now because due to druken pole jumping in Puerto Rico he broke his wrist.

He's a good bowler and a good dancer. He didn't finish college.

He thinks dinner dates and dating in general is awkward. But he did tell me to text him when I got home and offered me cab money.

He hates cabs. And buckles up when he's in one.

He loves rollercoasters and building beach bombfires.

But doesn't know who the villian was in Ghostbusters.

Needless to say I had a couple drinks last night but only a couple. He was semi impressed with me ordering a JD and coke. He paid for my drinks.

After three weeks of not drinking I have the clarity to know that there's too much on this list that I just don't want. But my friends seem to think getting on a 24 year old's motorcycle is exactly what I need right now.

I laughed at him when he asked me if he should get my number from my friend.

I texted him when I got home and he texted me back 'I had fun to.'

Not sure if he'll be teaching me anything in the near future but at the very least he's getting some grammar lessons. He better be a good kisser.