All The Right Stuff But...

Of course there's always a but, my friends. I don't believe in perfection but can't things be good for a little while without a big old but at the end?

I'm inches away from my new position where I'll grow and mature into this amazing role. But the girl my who my bosses offered my old position to, declined so now we're back at square one. I can't move up until they replace me. It's been over a month. Probably another month to go. I'm so ready for this new position I can taste it. It's like I'm sitting at the dork table, looking around and seeing an open spot with the cool kids. Torture!

I've found this really cute, quirky British fling but he's not really good at giving back if you know what I mean. And actually, hasn't...at all. I saw him last Thursday night after an open tequila-only bar at an industry party. We met at my place, hooked up and he left. I was more randy as he was leaving then before he got there. Any advice on how to get the control back on a midnight booty call? Damn tequila and accents!

I've finally found an okay balance with my old boyfriend at work and barely take him into consideration anymore. But he still invites me out with his friends, and even after I decline, he feels the need to text me on a Saturday night saying that I didn't miss anything fun. Can some guy decode this for me? Because even if I declined plans with a girlfriend I wouldn't expect her to give me a report in the middle of the night. Confusion, again!

I've been going through some family drama recently. Which really isn't any different from a day that ends in 'y'. The last time these matters arose my old bf was around...so now I put my walls back up to protect myself and gain strength to get through all of it, especially as the holidays approach this is what I have to do. I can't help but think, why can't he be here now to rip the walls down like he once did. I hate that I have to go through this shit alone again. I am stronger then before and more demanding and trying to keep the control in my family, but it's harder and more exhausting this year because my safety net is gone.

I'm worried that I'll spiral like I once did, right before I was with him. I kept my highs high and let my lows be low. And muddled with extra drinking and nights out in between. Nothing off scale, just enough for me to be off balanced. I'm worried but I hate it even more, that this somehow all manages to cycle back to him. My stress and vulnerability from my family, how I hold it in until a Saturday night comes around and let loose. How in the end it may have been him who saved me from the worst part of myself. How I wish in the end, it'll be him to still catch me when I least expect it.

I know what you're going to say, it's time I catch myself. I say back, that sometimes, even after three vodka ice teas on a Monday night, it's hard to play catch alone.

Grrr...

Do me a favor and tell me the stupidest thing you have ever done. I just realized that after living in a new apartment for almost 2 weeks now that I forwarded my mail to the wrong address. My apartment door faces the street, so I forwarded my mail to the street with the apartment number etc. I realize today...TODAY...that my address is actually on the avenue. And not the street. I feel like the biggest dumbass. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate looking back at when I used to think no doubt and then think 'Wow...just, wow. What was I thinking?'

Give me some perspective here...what's the biggest, worst, 'I'm a dumbass' moment you guys have had?

Oh damn

I blame the wine and lack of text from the Brit tonight...I joined JDate. And initially I thought I had cooly just signed up for a 1 month trial. But nope, I'm signed on for 6 long months of this. Luckily, mother assured me 1 week after being dumped by 'whathisname' that she would pay for JDate when I was ready. We never agreed upon the contract, thank goodness!

First guy I started chatting with tonight within ten minutes asked me what my type was and if I wanted to meet up for a date next week. I think he could hear my mental eye roll through the keyboard.

One word I used was 'adventurous' but what does that mean? Mountain biking and cliff diving? No. To me adventurous is trying a unique kind of sushi or venturing to a new neighborhood on a Saturday night. But random#1 of course won't get that, and I don't feel like explaining. Ugh! Maybe my cynicism and me shouldn't be plugged in yet...

I had no idea that online dating had 'flirting' and email prompts. I keep getting exclaimed messages in my inbox about my future matches. I've been 'viewed' and 'winked at' and 'flirted with' and been on a 'hot list'.

I've had 24 views and 6 IMs and 2 favors. Good god someone call the Rabbi and set a date!

Sorry for the sarcasm, again- I blame the wine! Where's the damn Brit?

Living For Me

Ok. Most important news is that I’m obsessed with the singer Ida Maria. Check her out ASAP and thank me later. I can’t stop listening to her CD and I immediately want to sing her music in karaoke. I’m sure my performance will be an insult to her but it’ll be a blast. She reminds me of Rachel Yamagata meets Florence and The Machine. I’m seeing Miike Snow this week, finally! I’ve been wanting to see them for a few years now.

I’ve officially moved in with my guy roommate, who I’ve known two years. We live in this 2 bedroom place that I can barely afford on the 20th floor, facing the east river. Waking up to that view everyday...well I don’t mind paying and still living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve waited a long time to live in a nice place that feels like my own. It’s not some dusty re-used craigslist apartment that I can’t spread myself out in. For the first time since I was 14, I feel like I’m not living in a dorm. My medicine is actually IN my medicine cabinet. Do you know how amazing that is?

When I tried to explain that to my roomie, he shrugged and just said ‘So, my stuff is in there too.’

I have a shelf in the closet just for scarves and linens and umbrellas. They aren’t shoved in a corner somewhere. They are organized and neat. It’s freakin amazing.

The choices I've been making recently have just been for and about me. What I really want and what feels good. No overanalyzing or making a pro/con list. I'm going for what makes me feel like me and actually really happy. No 5 year plan, and no getting stuck in the past. I've given myself a break. A perm vacation from trying to figure it all out right now. No more losing sleep over the things I can't control.

Couple things have been happening since I found this balance in my own life. I’m noticing how sucky and drama filled my friends lives are and have no tolerance in listening to them complain anymore. I have no tolerance for nodding my head and telling them what they want to hear, just so they can feel better about their decisions.

Examples:

My friend C, broke her lease in her apartment because she thought the apartment had bed bugs (never confirmed) and when she didn’t hear from the landlord right away she put a stop of her rent check and moved out over the weekend. Why she didn’t call an exterminator, I don’t know. Also her on/off again BF (told her awhile ago he doesn’t want that label) dumped her again. And she spent all of her savings on buying new, bed bug free furniture so now she has no money to go out. She invited me to come over and help put her new furniture together. My immediate answer was no, but I suppose I should suck it up and spend an afternoon helping her out even though I vowed to never help friends move/build things.

My friend L (the chihuahua) showed me her new eye glasses at work today. They’re these large cat-like vintage frames. I laughed when I saw them and when she asked if I like them, a loud No came out of my mouth. She called me a bitch but I didn’t apologize for it. It actually felt pretty damn good to say what I thought instead of squeaking out a ‘they’re very you/different/look great’.

I’m doing a lot less apologizing these days and ignoring the negative, shitty drama that comes in excess my way most of the time as I get stomped on. I’m emptying out the bad and for the first time, in a long time- deciding what I want to let in.

Only good stuff if I can help it. I’ll take this control and balance for as long as I can. We all know that it’s not going to last. As my dad says ‘Enjoy the good while it comes, but just know that while it’s here- there’s a pile of shit somewhere with your name on it.’

P.S. I shacked up with the Brit again last weekend. Did I mention that I’m REALLY enjoying this living for me in the moment phase I’m going through right now?

(big smile)

A Brit 2

Normally, I'm not one to kiss and tell. But when I haven't been with a guy since there was snow on the ground, and that guy was my old BF then yes...I kiss and tell when my dry spell has been broken. And now for the fun part!

I went out with some coworkers after work on Friday to celebrate my new job. I had about five frickles and a hell of a lotta beer for dinner. The old bf showed up when I was in full swing of feeling good/wondering if I was going to yack up a tequila shot I shouldn't have had. So our conversation was limited to me excusing myself to the bathroom every few minutes or so. Nothing else much more then that.

Time hazily passed and I ended up making plans via text to meet with the Brit. I had really given up meeting up with A because it had been months since we actually met and if he actually wanted to see me, it would've happened. But again, all my good feelingness and beer took over my over-analytical thinking.

I don't quite remember if I said bye to whathisname but regardless I was a girl on a mission to have some good old fashion carefree fun. I met A at a bar around the corner from work. Okay, that's a lie. I went to the bar to meet A and it took me about 15 minutes of walking past him to recognize him. He was wearing glasses and had longer hair then I remembered. He said he had watched me pass him about five times before calling out to me. I think he was a tad embarrassed. We got a round at the bar and talked for maybe an hour. He was just as cute and tall and British as I remembered from months ago.

The idea came up to go back to his place for some wine. Sounded fabu to me! By that time I was sobering up and was ready for a more (ahem) comfortable environment. It didn't take long before we were messing around. Then I had a hit of sobriety and insecurity. I stopped moving and he noticed. All of the reasons why I shouldn't be shacking up with this guy came into my head- he doesn't know me/ he doesn't know my body/ it's not going to feel like my old bf/ it's not going to feel that good/ A doesn't care about me. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I told A that I hadn't been with anyone in awhile. He was nice about it and said we could just talk and then go to bed. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and had another hit. Only this time, it was security. I told myself that I deserve to relax and have fun and give this guy a chance at making me feel something. He could never call me again or he could become something great. But why not let myself try before putting up the walls again. Besides...it was close to midnight and my mind was having a battle with my lower regions...I decided to give my head a break and let my (umm) instincts drive the boat for the rest of the night. Not something I do, well ever! But did I mention they hadn't a chance to drive since there was snow on the ground??

So I fixed my hair and strutted back into the bedroom. And let's just say, the security and confidence and feel-good carefree fun me stayed in tact...twice. And then showed up again in the morning.

Waking up next to A the next morning was...interesting. I knew it wasn't going to be the oldBF on the other side of the bed when I turned over. I pushed that visual away. I turned over and looked at him. I pushed some hair out of his face and smiled as he leaned in to kiss me good morning. I thought about it and I liked that it was A there. Because he wanted to be there, with me, and he wanted to lean in and kiss me and hold me. And whisper he wanted to see me again.

Again, nothing could come of this, but the potential, the possibility of something, right now, for even the over-analytical side of me, is better than having someone who stopped whispering and leaning in, a long time ago.

The Middle

Being in the middle of transition is paralyzingly terrifying and nerve-wracking. It's been some interesting couple of weeks. And my nerves and excitement battle each other each morning. My energy and optimism and strength and esteem are at an all time high each before my first sip of coffee.

Nothing can stop me, no one can get in my way from growing into the woman I want to be. I walk tall and smile and say good morning to everyone who glances in my direction. I feel lighter than air and strong.

Then, little things happen quickly around me...and reality sets in. Negativity and politics and drama start to shove against my coat of self. And I find it hard to push back and regain my footing. Little moments and big battles seem to make up most of my day. The constant pushing and pulling of what matters, what I take in and what I chose to ignore. It's pretty fucking exhausting. What's that you say? It's called being an adult. Yeah, I'm getting that now. Recovery needs to happen fast and quick these days.

I'm about to sign my first lease in three years. Occupancy/sublet is a beautiful paperless real estate phenomenon but it has ended. I've accepted the available position at a different department at work. The messy paperwork and HR above-my-head politics that I'm dealing with by switching departments is shocking. I thought it'd be an easy, supportive switch. But all of a sudden, everyone has a different definition of protocol. I'll skip the stressful politics and move on.

I should tell you...it's the old BFs department. But I won't be working with him. Hopefully. But on another note, I will be making more money and have more responsibility.

And any discomfort that slides in when I think about that I could end up at a desk next to his...I ignore because I refuse to let him get in the way of all of the potential I'm feeling right now.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train anymore...it's the opening. It's the quick intake of air before the next open unmarked road. And I'm pushing through and past the train to grab on to that light as fast as I can. Here's to the murky, windy path ahead! Big inhale and go!

7-10

Quick question blogger buddies-

If you were given a gift- to go anywhere for 7-10 days, where would you go?

A solo travel adventure, paid for...any suggestions?