Potential Pull

On the train ride back my 2nd overnight at the Ex's apartment, I checked my voicemail. 

I had a message from a friend's college friend asking me out for drinks this week. I had never met him. I agreed to my friend passing my number along weeks ago before this guy had moved into the city. 
Now he was here. 

It was the Ex and mine's 7th date this past weekend. 
Things are going well. 
The physical spark is still there and our conversation was great. We brought up old inside jokes and had new ones. I still sometimes got nervous and butterflies. 
Still getting used to sharing a physical space with him and having him host me. 

I'm more aware of us becoming a We then I was last time. Then, the rose-colored glasses were glued to my face. Now I feel emotionally over stimulated by it all and this 'in between' pre- DTR stage is slowly starting to get to me. 

Last night while I lay beside him I had a dream that he was dating some crazy girl while starting things back up with me. He was begging for my forgiveness and told me things with the crazy girl started going south as he started seeing me. He told me he loved me and just wanted to wine and dine me. 

In real life he's said the latter to me. 
I don't need to hear that he loves me. 
It's too early for that. But I do need something now that it's been almost 2 months since we hit the On button on our story again. 
I want it without asking for it, which less face it- isn't going to happen since guys can't read minds. 
He won't know that I need a temperature check until I ask one. 
Any ideas how? 

Something in between a 5th grader asking 'Do you want to be my boyfriend? Circle yes or no.' and an adult's overly exposed 'Where do you see us going?'

I don't want to feel exposed and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I want to know that as we continue to share physical time and space, that I'm not emotionally in that space alone.
I need to know I can let go of other potential ties and just hold on to him.

Until then, though even my subconscious hates the idea of the Ex dating, I'm not sure I can say no to a date.
I know it will pull me in a direction I don't want...
but I'm not tied down yet.

Light Bulb

You know how when a light goes out but then for the next hour you still try to turn the light on? I get stuck in that emotional mental mind game about boys. And I don’t realize it till I see my friends do it and call it out to them.

We get trapped in the circle of ‘what if’s and ‘should I’s’. See last post. :)

What if he’s sleeping with other people? What if he doesn’t care for me how I care for him? 

Should I text him when he hasn’t text me all day? Should I go out on a date? 
I could go on for days.

Today a friend reminded me, that it really doesn’t matter what he does or what I think I should do. 

It’s about what I want.

And suddenly I reminded the other half of my brain there’s nothing I can do about the light until I get it fixed. 
My mind is fighting with the fact that it’s broken. 

I’m not comparing a broken light to my relationship. 

I’m comparing it to how we think and manage to complicate things so easily and quickly by fighting against what we already know.

I answered the question. 

I want a couple good friends who love me after seeing me at my worst and can pick up their phone to listen to me drunk cry at 1am and still meet me for brunch the next day.

I want 1 person who can make me laugh and wants to hold my hand and kiss me on street corners.

Nothing else really matters 

and there’s not much more I need to figure out right now. 

I’ll find that 1 person whether it’s my ex or the guy my  friend wants to set me up with or someone else. 

The light will turn on again, so I can tell the other half of my brain to stop fighting it and playing with switches.

(Un) Lucky # 13

We were always told that love came with sex. 

So what happens when sex is just sex and love is elsewhere...dangling along a street sign a couple zip codes away and hasn’t been officially jotted down yet?

(i.e. my new non ex and me)

Alright, I’m not trying to excuse every hussy out there. 

Just me. Because I feel shitty.

I was protecting myself. Ugh.

(blowing emotionally chunks in background)

Is this the excuse that cheaters give themselves? 

Though! (triple million explanation marks) I’m not a cheater. 

We are not locked down to each other. 

Sure, there’s been some dating and some adult sleepovers 

(one day I’ll grow up and call it sex) 

and feelings floating around all over the place 

BUT 

we are NOT exclusive.

AND just because I politely and gracefully asked him to not sleep with anyone else/tell me if he did/but don’t sleep with anyone else...does NOT mean...I can’t.

He never asked me.

SO technically all rules pertaining to me are void.

I’m just here to give him a try 

like we talked about on the 4th of July. 

(see archives, I'm too tired to link up)

No pressure on either side right?

So...

IF my best friend’s non-boyfriend’s best friend happens to be this hot Hawaiian ONLY in town for the weekend, 

CAN you really blame me? 

I mean, mentally I told him five times that I wasn’t going to sleep with him...

cause I was seeing my new non ex in 24 hours...

SO it’s not my fault that he didn’t hear me.

Ugh.

I had fun. Quit judging. 

If you have to feel bad for me, than feel bad because of the golf instructional video that was on the entire time.

What do they call that?

Osmosis?

De- Exed

You ever realize you aren’t sure what you’re doing but can’t decide if you like it or not? 

I guess we need these challenges to help us differientiate between life’s small problems and big problems. We typically solve the small problems quickly without more than a second blink in its direction. The bigger ones like to sit and stir and get pushed around.

It’s rude and annoying really. Different solutions need to stop sprouting up. Everything should remain black and white, enough of this mucky grey (gray?) business it hurts my head.

I can never remember which one is the color...

Anyways, obviously talking about the guy here...the new old guy. What’s a revived ex that’s not yet defined as a boyfriend yet? At the very least out of exile right? (bah dum ching)

I have two schools of thought on this one, so let me know where you sit Dear Reader. 

We’ve been non-definably dating for about a month now and in touch everyday. Sometimes we just joke and other times we talk. All text and email.

(I scowl at modern day technology. I never use my phone as a phone anymore. Can we please star a revolution to get the phone call back??)

This past week I was out of town on family duty. Nothing serious or major, just going in for support and assistance. 

He doesn’t know details yet of what my family dynamic has been like the past few years (note: heavy).

We haven’t dealt with really any real life stuff outside of talking about ‘us’ back on the 4th of July. 

Since then it’s been flirting, banter and then...sex and dating. 

All the good stuff. (cheers from the crowd!)

BUT...(of course there's a but)

A couple times when we were out I noticed he was texting a girl he used to hook up with. 

Not a pretty girl either, that would almost sit better with me. But this girl is a pile of a girl. 

MEN- I know it’s hard to do, but when you pick those girls to slut around with after a relationship ends, please attempt to trade up. Cause when we meet them down the road (AKA facebook stalk) it’s an insult to us knowing that the penis was in both places (paradise...and then a trash dump).

Anyways, I saw her name pop up a few times while we've been out. 

I couldn’t see the texts. 

He says he’s not sleeping with anyone else but it’d really skeeve me out to find out they were still sleeping together. 

Maybe they’re just dating and not sleeping together

or friends...like maybe she’s dating someone else now and they just text? 

Pipe dream? Beuller...?

Again, we aren’t exclusive so he can technically do what he wants and lie to me about it. 

But then it’s a question of respect and all that jazz. 

And I'd be pissed if he didn't tell the truth and turn green and grow and beat him up cause even getting here was hard.

SO- I have 2 options or more if you wanna chime in team. 

1. ignore any and all texts from females I see and continue to feel amazing when I’m with him and take it all day by day. And work towards trusting him just as things are. And perhaps shack up with the Brit if there’s more reason to thing he is sleeping with other girls. *But for pete's sake (and mine) get tested first cause who knows where his pepe has been.
2. open up a little bit and explain that between work and the occasional family drama, I don’t have time to wonder about all the above things and nor do I want to, so we’re either going to lock this thing down and be exclusive or not cause I'm a busy girl and don't like taking up the Sunday brunch table with this silly stuff Bridget Jones would scoff at. 

And go!

A Good Slice

Friday night he asked to spend the night at my place (since it was late...yeah, right). 

We had been out with a few friends watching the Opening Ceremonies. 

He said he’d be respectful so I figured it’d be another night like this. 

But what can I say...I’m apparently irresistible in booty shorts. (sly smile)

We then hooked up from 1am-6 and I’m still having delicious flash backs from it. We stayed in bed the next morning and I’ve never had such trouble leaving my bed after 11am before. There was no other place I wanted to be. I was literally entwined in him and couldn’t stop smiling. We got breakfast and had one of those annoyingly great goodbye kisses.

So rather than taking it slow, we moved ahead a notch but talked about it the next day. 

It happened...we want it to happen again but need to stay in check. The emotional/trust component still needs to build up to a good solid place. 

Emotional paperwork aside...I hadn’t been held or touched or adored or wanted like that...since him. I know what you’re thinking blogger buddies...and here’s the thing...

This will probably end in pain right? Everyone and their mother has their guard up for me. Warning me about the guy who he was/is and what happened last time. 

But here’s the other thing, if you’ve been reading closely the last few years you’ve realized that outside of my love life, I’ve had my share of pain between work drama and friend/family ups and downs. 

That whole growing up thing? Yeah, it’s been happening non stop the last 5 years and it’s come with a cruise boat size of pain. Actually...more like the size of the Titanic and the iceberg combined. Needless to say, I’m used to pain, expect it and more or less know how to tread in it and I know it’ll come again, whether from him or anywhere else. 

So I’m going to keep going and inhaling the good moments I have with him. 

His touch makes me feel safe, and grounded and sexy as hell. And when I’ve had that slice of the pie empty for so long, it’s absolutely fucking lovely to have it filled with him right now. 

The 2nd Bottle

The best part of disconnecting for a week is reconnecting again. 

I took a real week long vacation for the first time in a long time. I was on the beach in the Bahamas for 5 nights with a friend and then home visiting family. And overall it was a great trip. 

Little to no drama, and little to no planning. 

I was in dire need of a break from both. 

I planned my flights but everything in between I just wung. 

I wung so much in the Bahamas I ended up having a night of fun with a Texan algebra teacher in the hot tub...and the beach. He also taught me how to play craps and helped me amp up my blackjack game. The gambling part isn’t an innuendo, we went gambling. Luckily I didn’t have a repeat of the last time I hit the casinos, though there were white russians involved again.

I had a great moment the next morning, as my hangover subsided with fried fish... I wondered if my mother would approve of my night. All in all, I believe I would get a thumbs up from her.

By the time I got back into town I was ready to be back in my own reality. And here's why...

This past New Years Eve I went to this party and only brought 1 bottle of champagne. I had bought another bottle but left it in my fridge. 

I told myself I'd open it when I had a win. I'd open it when something happened for me, something I went for for me, something I deserved and wanted. It couldn't be pre-arranged or really thought about, when I was going to open that bottle.

But every time I opened my fridge for the past 7 months I'd think about that bottle. 

And I wouldn't open it. 

Nothing happened that warranted it to be popped open. 

After spending most of 2010 blaming/unblaming myself for the ending of my relationship, and most of 2011 submerged in family drama, my next move was going to be made carefully. 

I opened it 4th of July at the rooftop party I went to with some friends. 

Earlier that morning around 1am, I was on another roof with my ex boyfriend deciding to go for another round. 

I know what you're thinking...how could I pop my bottle for a guy...especially this guy.  

But I didn't open it for him, I opened it for me.

Because after 2 years I had changed and forgiven myself for a lot of things and had been through enough. 

I was done letting all the bad, hard shit own me. I was done with letting it all be all there is. 

I was ready to take a chance on the possibility of something good again.

I realized if I keep thinking about the last few years and the muck I got stuck in, and waiting for the muck to appear again, that's all there'd be. 

So, yes, technically it took beer, pizza, my ex boyfriend and a rooftop for me to realize I was ready to open the 2nd bottle and see how it poured.

So far, it's smooth, sweet and a little bubbly.

Take 2

I cleaned my room and put my laundry away. 

Two things I procrastinate doing and typically do on Sunday nights. I did both last night before going out with friends. My room looked spacious and opening. And my night went on and I drank and laughed with friends. Then at 1AM I somehow ended up on my friends rooftop with blankets and pillows, making out with my ex boyfriend. It felt amazing and safe and good. It felt honest and fun and warm. We kissed again and then talked about what the hell we were doing. 

We were starting again, slowly. Getting to know each other again and seeing what happens. Not defining it until we need to. We talked about being scared but both wanting this, knowing in some way, it was inevitable. Maybe the timing was right, maybe we'll realize that the timing isn't right. But we're gonna give it a try.  

I'm not who I was 2 years ago and he's not either. We're here to change and be with each other. We aren't here to let one broken heart define us. 

I'm done waiting for something to happen. This risk is something I'm doing for me. I could spend the rest of my life being a wing girl and giving relationship advice to friends. I could spend the rest of my life trying to make others happy. 

But today I choose to make me happy. And today I choose him. 

He came back to my apartment and we just slept. And this morning after he kissed me goodbye and left I went back to my spacious, clean room and sat on my bed. 

It's funny how foreign it was to share this space with someone, especially him. 

It won't be easy. 

But if we aren't here to share our space with someone then what are we doing?