My Needs with Maslow

I’ve compartmentalized my needs so much that I’m not sure if Maslow would spit at me or shake my hand. I look at things two ways- what I can handle/control now and what I’ll figure out later.

Family: in small, little tidbits. Dad visits now, Mom visits later. Sister’s drama later. Brother’s phone calls to chat now. But quick so we don’t talk about anything heavy.

Have Thanksgiving there. Figure out Christmas later. Just don’t be alone. I make simple, little decisions that make my day move forward. I stay distant, yet succinct so I don’t get overwhelmed or anxious about the holidays.

Relationships: emotional stability comes from my girlfriends on Saturday nights. Mental stimulation (brunch, movies, art galleries) come from my new gay guy friend three/four times a week. Sexual satisfaction comes from the Brit once a week. Connection of intimacy (though repressed majority of time by my demand to stay emotionally distant to protect myself) comes from the old bf, daily, unfortunately.

Work: I transition into the new department on Dec 29th and leave my department after over two years.

That in itself gets an entire mental storage space big enough for a minivan.

After I described this all to my friend B, she asked how my cupboards looked? Nice and organized, she mused. It must be exhausting to fill all of the cupboards up with nice, neat, compartments. Imagine clearing them out. Facing family straight on. Having one guy to fulfill all of my needs. Moving forward completely with work and being in the role that I deserve to rock it.

is it exhausting, yes? But what option to I have? I’m protecting myself and trying to move forward. Sometimes all you can do is take baby steps and make labels in order to do that.

2AM trash

It’s 2 AM. And according to the break up 9 months ago, I should be out and not holding back and having that crazy thing called fun. It hasn’t hit me like this in awhile. I’ve been having that extra drink and throwing my hands up in the air and happy. Letting go and feeling good. Seeing the brit or not seeing the brit, seeing him or not seeing him. Being fine and moving. And yet...

And I know you’re tired of hearing excuses just as much as I am. And yet, I’m tired of trying to meet the next guy in a bar. And I”m tired of trying to meet him online. Or through friends or ad parties. And it’s been nine months and it’s not a matter of getting over him, it’s a matter of getting around and through.

I’m starting a new position next week and my desk is close to his. And when I say close, I mean, I'll be delving into Dante’s definition of hell ‘proximity without intimacy’. I’ll become a master on it, WHILE I become a master on my new position. Position and role first, before emotion and feelings. Me, before him.

I was out at a party last week and with a totally fresh, new group of friends. The massive tray of food that was at this party included one main eye catching dessert- the vanilla cookies at Starbucks that used to be left at my desk by him. I'm constantly reminded of him. When will those cookies just be cookies again?

I leave the office in a rush, cause I’m 10 minutes late to whatever, as I dive to open the elevator door, he’s there...waiting to go down.

End of the work day on Friday. I’m outside putting on my gloves and he saddles up next to me and tells me I look confused. I was deep breathing after a long, long day with family drama on the side...I smile and tell him I was just looking for my gloves. He mentions how it’s not that cold out for gloves, am I trying to look fashionable instead? I smile, again...and say, I’m cold. Was never one for putting fashion before practical. He says, he knows and hopes I have a good weekend.

Now I’m here. With that gut to throat feeling of loneliness left on a Saturday night. And I turned to the guys I was with tonight and waited for them to say the right things. Fill in the right blanks. And when it didn’t come at the right time, I grew tired and antsy. And soon I started feeling unpretty and wishing a secure hand would hold the small of my back and gently gide my body home to bed.

And yet even after all this time and seeing how far I’ve come and how good and crisp and new I feel, I still want him deep, down...to turn to me and want something different from me. To stop playing the daily games and just admit that he's in it all for me.

Ugh, maybe it's nothing and I'll just blame the sangria and my tired feet.

Making Moves, Just Not Sure Where

I blame my recent decisions on an uber long stressful work week. I won't get into details but the transition into my next role hasn't been a smooth one due to a very short fused, bitter, stressed out soon to be former manager. I've been leaving work shaken and on edge due to his unpredictable treatment of me. I refuse to let it bother me anymore though. One person's opinion of me should not rattle me that much or make me question my performance at work. I've gotten better at reacting logically to work situations and less emotionally via the book How to Play Like a Man and Win Like a Woman. It's brought down my stress a lot and helped maintain perspective. But this past week was more trying than most.

Friday night I ended up working late and had to turn down the Brits invite to go to his place for an after work happy hour. Nudge nudge. A half bottle of wine helped slide me into an easy sleep. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed and had a nice productive, errand filled gym day. And then I made an interesting decision.

I took the old bf up on one of his offers to hang out. He had extended an invitation earlier in the week with a group but I turned it down per usual, saying I had to work. But the truth was, I wanted to hang out with him and I wanted to see the Dan Band. I brought my bff E with me who always is a fan of the Band. So it was me, E, old bf and our mutual friend D from work. And in all honesty, the night was fun! Sure the awesome show helped and so did the beer. But it was just nice to be around him. Were old feelings there? Yes. And of course I hate that those feelings are still there and most likely will never go away. I can give you a laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't like him and why he's not relationship material. And I know things between us aren't going to change, ever. But I see him do or say little things that are just so him, that I think most people don't even notice, and I have this inner smile that still fondly appreciates everything about him. I'm not sure if that smile will ever go away, no matter how many invitations from him I turn down.

We all grabbed more drinks and food after the show. Again, more laughs, and more ease all around. We could've continued the night with them but E and I said we had a friends party to go to. We went to our new goto bar and talked about the tragedy of first loves over more beer. Overall a very good night and I ended up, of course, shacking up with the Brit. Who confirmed my suspicion of the stereotypes that Brits don't 'give back' to girls who aren't their girlfriends. Not sure if you've heard of this, but the Brit confirmed it. Apparently I have to start dating him to get more fulfilled. Thoughts anyone?

I'll say this...even though I don't spend a lot of vertical time with the Brit and am shocked at how okay I am with how little I know about him, he's still a great distraction. And it's nice to just have a break from my normal routine and do something a tad casual, to get out of my own head for a little while.

All The Right Stuff But...

Of course there's always a but, my friends. I don't believe in perfection but can't things be good for a little while without a big old but at the end?

I'm inches away from my new position where I'll grow and mature into this amazing role. But the girl my who my bosses offered my old position to, declined so now we're back at square one. I can't move up until they replace me. It's been over a month. Probably another month to go. I'm so ready for this new position I can taste it. It's like I'm sitting at the dork table, looking around and seeing an open spot with the cool kids. Torture!

I've found this really cute, quirky British fling but he's not really good at giving back if you know what I mean. And actually, hasn't...at all. I saw him last Thursday night after an open tequila-only bar at an industry party. We met at my place, hooked up and he left. I was more randy as he was leaving then before he got there. Any advice on how to get the control back on a midnight booty call? Damn tequila and accents!

I've finally found an okay balance with my old boyfriend at work and barely take him into consideration anymore. But he still invites me out with his friends, and even after I decline, he feels the need to text me on a Saturday night saying that I didn't miss anything fun. Can some guy decode this for me? Because even if I declined plans with a girlfriend I wouldn't expect her to give me a report in the middle of the night. Confusion, again!

I've been going through some family drama recently. Which really isn't any different from a day that ends in 'y'. The last time these matters arose my old bf was around...so now I put my walls back up to protect myself and gain strength to get through all of it, especially as the holidays approach this is what I have to do. I can't help but think, why can't he be here now to rip the walls down like he once did. I hate that I have to go through this shit alone again. I am stronger then before and more demanding and trying to keep the control in my family, but it's harder and more exhausting this year because my safety net is gone.

I'm worried that I'll spiral like I once did, right before I was with him. I kept my highs high and let my lows be low. And muddled with extra drinking and nights out in between. Nothing off scale, just enough for me to be off balanced. I'm worried but I hate it even more, that this somehow all manages to cycle back to him. My stress and vulnerability from my family, how I hold it in until a Saturday night comes around and let loose. How in the end it may have been him who saved me from the worst part of myself. How I wish in the end, it'll be him to still catch me when I least expect it.

I know what you're going to say, it's time I catch myself. I say back, that sometimes, even after three vodka ice teas on a Monday night, it's hard to play catch alone.

Grrr...

Do me a favor and tell me the stupidest thing you have ever done. I just realized that after living in a new apartment for almost 2 weeks now that I forwarded my mail to the wrong address. My apartment door faces the street, so I forwarded my mail to the street with the apartment number etc. I realize today...TODAY...that my address is actually on the avenue. And not the street. I feel like the biggest dumbass. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate looking back at when I used to think no doubt and then think 'Wow...just, wow. What was I thinking?'

Give me some perspective here...what's the biggest, worst, 'I'm a dumbass' moment you guys have had?

Oh damn

I blame the wine and lack of text from the Brit tonight...I joined JDate. And initially I thought I had cooly just signed up for a 1 month trial. But nope, I'm signed on for 6 long months of this. Luckily, mother assured me 1 week after being dumped by 'whathisname' that she would pay for JDate when I was ready. We never agreed upon the contract, thank goodness!

First guy I started chatting with tonight within ten minutes asked me what my type was and if I wanted to meet up for a date next week. I think he could hear my mental eye roll through the keyboard.

One word I used was 'adventurous' but what does that mean? Mountain biking and cliff diving? No. To me adventurous is trying a unique kind of sushi or venturing to a new neighborhood on a Saturday night. But random#1 of course won't get that, and I don't feel like explaining. Ugh! Maybe my cynicism and me shouldn't be plugged in yet...

I had no idea that online dating had 'flirting' and email prompts. I keep getting exclaimed messages in my inbox about my future matches. I've been 'viewed' and 'winked at' and 'flirted with' and been on a 'hot list'.

I've had 24 views and 6 IMs and 2 favors. Good god someone call the Rabbi and set a date!

Sorry for the sarcasm, again- I blame the wine! Where's the damn Brit?

Living For Me

Ok. Most important news is that I’m obsessed with the singer Ida Maria. Check her out ASAP and thank me later. I can’t stop listening to her CD and I immediately want to sing her music in karaoke. I’m sure my performance will be an insult to her but it’ll be a blast. She reminds me of Rachel Yamagata meets Florence and The Machine. I’m seeing Miike Snow this week, finally! I’ve been wanting to see them for a few years now.

I’ve officially moved in with my guy roommate, who I’ve known two years. We live in this 2 bedroom place that I can barely afford on the 20th floor, facing the east river. Waking up to that view everyday...well I don’t mind paying and still living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve waited a long time to live in a nice place that feels like my own. It’s not some dusty re-used craigslist apartment that I can’t spread myself out in. For the first time since I was 14, I feel like I’m not living in a dorm. My medicine is actually IN my medicine cabinet. Do you know how amazing that is?

When I tried to explain that to my roomie, he shrugged and just said ‘So, my stuff is in there too.’

I have a shelf in the closet just for scarves and linens and umbrellas. They aren’t shoved in a corner somewhere. They are organized and neat. It’s freakin amazing.

The choices I've been making recently have just been for and about me. What I really want and what feels good. No overanalyzing or making a pro/con list. I'm going for what makes me feel like me and actually really happy. No 5 year plan, and no getting stuck in the past. I've given myself a break. A perm vacation from trying to figure it all out right now. No more losing sleep over the things I can't control.

Couple things have been happening since I found this balance in my own life. I’m noticing how sucky and drama filled my friends lives are and have no tolerance in listening to them complain anymore. I have no tolerance for nodding my head and telling them what they want to hear, just so they can feel better about their decisions.

Examples:

My friend C, broke her lease in her apartment because she thought the apartment had bed bugs (never confirmed) and when she didn’t hear from the landlord right away she put a stop of her rent check and moved out over the weekend. Why she didn’t call an exterminator, I don’t know. Also her on/off again BF (told her awhile ago he doesn’t want that label) dumped her again. And she spent all of her savings on buying new, bed bug free furniture so now she has no money to go out. She invited me to come over and help put her new furniture together. My immediate answer was no, but I suppose I should suck it up and spend an afternoon helping her out even though I vowed to never help friends move/build things.

My friend L (the chihuahua) showed me her new eye glasses at work today. They’re these large cat-like vintage frames. I laughed when I saw them and when she asked if I like them, a loud No came out of my mouth. She called me a bitch but I didn’t apologize for it. It actually felt pretty damn good to say what I thought instead of squeaking out a ‘they’re very you/different/look great’.

I’m doing a lot less apologizing these days and ignoring the negative, shitty drama that comes in excess my way most of the time as I get stomped on. I’m emptying out the bad and for the first time, in a long time- deciding what I want to let in.

Only good stuff if I can help it. I’ll take this control and balance for as long as I can. We all know that it’s not going to last. As my dad says ‘Enjoy the good while it comes, but just know that while it’s here- there’s a pile of shit somewhere with your name on it.’

P.S. I shacked up with the Brit again last weekend. Did I mention that I’m REALLY enjoying this living for me in the moment phase I’m going through right now?

(big smile)