Hater

I hate that my best friend isn't talking to me for something she did. And I hate that I don't have the energy to call her out on it. I fear that she'll turn it around on me and find someway to make this my fault. Spoiler alert- it's really not. I hate that I try to feel comfortable with picking up wine and gnocchi alone on a Saturday night but really hate it. I hate that's been 4 years and I don't know if I've let anyone really in during that time. I hate that the hits keep coming and I'm just used to it all at this point. Ducking and trying to fight back and really just reacting to each battle that comes. I have no real updates or growths on myself because everything else takes over. What I want and who I am have fallen to the wayside. I fall and don't fall into a life at the same time. So instead, I watch a lot of The Mindy Show and miss New York. And I buy lots of shoes online after finishing the bottle of wine and miss when I walked cobblestone steps fearlessly. And I hate that I have to wait till tomorrow to feel better, but I do. I wait. And I hope that sometime soon I'll have the courage to chase the things I want and not hate the things I'm used to.

Hi again

So I'm still around and still attempting to keep a blog. I'll have more regular entries soon but in the meantime here's where I'm at- would love if you could follow- hope everyone is well!
http://whatis32.blogspot.com/

New Mind Space

One of the gentleman suitors I left behind recently asked me if I'd ever considered moving back...and it's kinda funny cause even though I've only been gone a month I've never not missed anything more. And the thought never crossed my mind once.
I mean no disrespect to my friends- who I miss daily, but I don't miss the city. Like at all. I don't miss the buildings or loud horns or crowded smelly streets or anxiety. Because the move happened so fast I thought I'd feel this uneasiness here, like I ran away or have been uprooted but I feel the opposite.

Like I said before I feel more grounded here then I have in a long time and I think having my own place has a lot to do with that. My very own santuary. I always knew I'd want to live alone eventually but had no idea how calming and pleasant it is. I feel kinda like a queen or something just floating around in my own space, doing whatever I want...openly farting, singing, dancing.
The only furniture I have is my new bedroom set so I eat meals on a TV tray on my bed right now but in the next couple weeks I'll be getting more essentials. I have never used pinterest before and have found it totally addicting. I've lost hours on that site and I still don't 100% understand it. Buying furniture is a kind of panic I've never felt before because if I buy one thing that's tinted the wrong color or an inch too big the whole place is ruined and I'll start over...not really but you get it.

I think about my ex boyfriend sometimes but not like I used to. When I think of him and look at pictures or his facebook I get a very familiar de ja vu feeling. It's like those few moments when you wake up and you remember a dream but all you can picture is a couple things, not a full image. And you feel sentimental for a brief second but then the image becomes so fragmented you're able to move on from it quickly and easily. It's like trying to think about a memory that was never fully real. You can't miss it or be sad about not having it because there's nothing filling whatever it is you're trying to remember. So letting go to it is the most natural thing you've ever done...like blinking or sighing or openly farting in your own apartment.

The ...

Sometime between last June and 2 weeks ago I realized I was reliving all the worst parts of my early 20s. And without the ease of painless hangovers. I was in the middle of my 10th year in the greatest city in the world but wasn't feeling so great. I couldn't remember why I was here. I was making choices I didn't like and felt less secure than when I had braces and breakouts. Being as close to NYC as possible was once my dream and I realized I didn't know the next part of my dream. I was suddenly very awake. 

Did I want to find someone to settle down with, did I want a different job, did I want to go to grad school? Well, it turns out I wanted none of those things. All I knew is I couldn't keep doing what I was doing- waiting to be happy while living in the same repeat cycle. 
I felt like the opening montage of Reality Bites which would be good, but at 29 it was exhausting and depressing. Everyone I knew had at least upgraded to Singles or even 9 Months but I was still montaging. (I'm in a 90's movie kick for some reason)

Anyways, enough vagueness-the Ex and I broke up again in October (not shocking) and I still hadn't found a job in Jan '14 and more friends were getting engaged while I was back to bar hookups and deciding drinking every night at my local bar was a good cure-all so when I got a job offer in Boston at the end of Jan. I said hellz yes and left New York. 

I've been in Boston for over a week and things are going well. And by well I mean- I'm living with my brother, have an hour commute into work, pulled between friends/family, still paying rent in NYC, driving regularly for the first time in 10 years and living out of a suitcase BUT I absolutely think I made the right move. I'm even less tethered than I was in NYC but I feel more mentally together and focused than I have in a year. 
I'll update soon but just wanted to let you know to keep following me here on this blog. I realized there's no reason to start totally over somewhere else when really all I'm doing is just continuing. 

My Next Step

I don't like goodbyes. I realized I may be slightly obsessed with vampires because of their lack of goodbyes. I feel like I could've said goodbye to this blog for awhile but I wasn't sure how. 
I wish I could say I'm ending this blog because a new chapter has been turned...like I got a new job when really I'm temping at the company that laid me off or I'm moving when really I just resigned my lease, or we're engaged when really our pacing hasn't changed, or he said I love you when really he hasn't (worldwide groan).
Things are starting to build up and starting to bother me. Others seem to have this very natural way to move forward and I'm a little stuck. I want things to change, I'm just not sure on the direction.

I mostly want more out of my relationship but I don't know what. I'm happy where things are but I know I need to figure out where my heart lies in future stages in order to sort out the present. Whenever I think about next steps a fog rolls in on me and I don't have a clear image. I think it has a lot to do with 2 things- my parents separation and me not having my first relationship till I was 24. I'm a tad emotionally stunted in sharing my life with someone. I clearly don't know fully how.
My mother seems to think that when I meet the right guy then this image becomes clear but I don't believe that. 

I think it has to do with my own comfort level with those 'Bridget Jones' next steps as I get older...meeting parents, moving in, marriage. It all involves giving up a part of myself I just don't know how to let go of. It's like I'm missing these puzzle pieces. I know I should want to give up these parts as I merge more with my boyfriend's own parts but I keep hitting a road block.
I always felt I would address all of these things in therapy when I was ready and now's the time for me. Time to call in the shrinkadink. I can't progress and evolve without figuring out what I want and my relationship can't either...no matter who I'm with. 

So I'm stopping posts and will start a new blog as soon as I feel I have reading worthy content to share with you all. This blog has been an amazing outlet and source of support over the past years and I appreciate all my commenters and followers. Stay tuned...

The Burn

I’m really starting to think there’s something in the universe that just doesn’t want me to be intimate with the BF. 

I met him after a beach day with friends this weekend and was looking forward to some quality time, if you know what I mean. Within an hour I realized my chest and upper thighs were bright pink and not in a sexy way. 

And just like that, my mojo had burned in the sun just like the first layer of my skin had. Our activities remained PG the rest of the weekend- minor league baseball game, bumming on the couch and seeing Monsters University. (highly reco the movie btw).

On the train ride home I was frustrated. Yes, my burn was uncomfortable but a part of me thought I could still initiate the intimacy with him and just suck up the discomfort. Another part of me thinks that getting a burn was a sign that I wasn’t fully ready for a bedroom date with him again.

As mentioned it’s been months since we were fully intimate due to life happening and I want our physical time together to be when we’re both feeling good in our bodies- but that hasn’t happened in awhile. We’re just getting back into the swing of things and not having hospital talk in every conversation.

It’s been a challenging year so far and my fear is that these dips will control the year and we’ll still be in this limbo months from now.

I thought I was out of it a few weeks ago and feeling better but then I got laid off and now I have a sunburn. Okay, in comparison the sunburn really doesn’t matter and isn’t as roadblocking as the surgeries we had- but I guess what I’m saying is, I’m ready for some flat road with no dips. Just for a little bit so I can at least have a bedroom date and feel like a girl again. Then, sure- bring on more dips once I can get my full footing without feeling like a lobster.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

It’s been 2.5 weeks since I’ve been laid off and I’m still not used to this in limbo lifestyle. 

My main struggle with it is spending so much time alone. I’ve always been an advocate of having self-dates and making quality time for yourself often. But every day is a bit much.

Trying to make a busy schedule when you don’t have a job is a full time job in itself. I make lunches and coffee dates with contacts. 
I'm emailing everyone I’ve literally ever met in the last 6 years in my industry whether I've just talked to them 2 weeks ago or 2 years. 
That’s over100 people in under 2 weeks. I’ve had 2 interviews so far and following any and all leads much like a detective.

So it’s really a matter of when and not if, that I get working again. In the meantime though I’m realizing how much of my identity I put into my work life- and how unbalanced I feel without it. 

But silver lining, here’s a list of the good things about being unemployed:

having no bedtime
not having to wear makeup or heels everyday
having time to get in great shape and tan
reconnecting with old friends
two words ‘Netflix’ and ‘HBOGo’
not setting an alarm clock
having unlimited time to do errands
having time to shave in the shower and actually feel like a girl
being able to pick my next career direction
collecting unemployment 

Does anyone have anything else to add that I'm not thinking of?