Hope and Tricks

I’m feeling that pull towards cynicism again. It's a nightly battle and it’s yelling at me over and over again the same old shit that’s been polluting my head for years.

Maybe I can fight back if I watch more Disney movies and less zombie thrillers.

I texted C tonight:

I feel like this is slowing down. Do you still want to hang out with me?

Not exactly poetic I know, but there had been no effort on his part to see me again since our date last week. I was tired of wondering and doing all the work.

No answer, is my answer.

Here’s what I’ve accepted recently.

Men don’t change. Not after 2 dates and not after 25 years.

If he kisses bad now, he’ll kiss bad then.

If he texts you, he’ll never call.

If you feel any doubt now, well, you’re screwed overall.

I see what I want in front of me...but it’s in his eyes, with his words, but his looks and his touch.

I’ll take the smile from that day, with the kiss from that night, and the dance from then, but the midnight walk from over there.

I’ll get that feeling back again. The rush and giddiness that lasts more then a lunch break.

The men I have now in my life...are all too far away.

And their parts are too broken to turn into anything whole that I could ever want.

They show me just quick glimpses of the guys that could be worthy of me... as if they all are OK playing with half a deck, pretending it’s full.

The ex can’t open up.

C can’t communicate.

The Brit can’t keep his pants on.

Come on boys. I’m right here. And I’m amazing.

Tuck in your metaphorical balls and step up to the plate.

I deserve your full swing.

No matter what- no matter how many times one of them walks away, doesn’t say what I want to hear

or looks at me like I could be any one of ten girls.

I have proof though that a man can win me over and take down my walls.

He can make me feel more like me.

He can look me in the eyes and make every atom in my body tingle.

There’s proof, because it’s happened once. So now it’s science. It’s just a mathematical equation.

A tricky one apparently, that not even Matt Damon could figure out quickly, but it can be completed.

It can happen again, even after these 3 strikes.

Hell, even the movie Once is coming out with a sequel.

Wine + Beer + the ex

Alright, I know what you're thinking..and no, nothing scandalous happened.

I was looking forward to a night in with Chardonnay last night.

Much needed decompression was in order.

The ex texted me earlier in the day telling me he was going to be in my neighborhood for an old coworkers bday party.

I said 'have fun'. Then he said I should come meet him. I texted back and said maybe I'd be around later.

I wasn't about to throw in my Saturday night solo date for him.

I started relaxing and drinking. The bottle got lower. 11PM he texted me asking if I was going to come by. I turned off Lifetime, blasted some music and dressed as sexy casual as I could.

When I got to the bar I found him talking to another couple.

He introduced them to me as married friends from college. He introduced me to them, as an old coworker of his. Charming, right?

I stared at him for a few seconds and then he ordered me a beer.

We all talked and drank till about 2am when the other couple left.

It was around this time I realized I was drunk but still got another beer.

I ended up telling him about some family stuff going on.

I broke my own rule. I had always wanted to keep it light, keep him at a distance. Don't put my weight on to him.

I immediately changed the conversation. I was starting to slur.

Charming, I know.

I was at the point of drunkeness where I was only reacting to things happening and no longer connected to my thoughts. You know that point right?

When you get more quiet and less reckless. Reckless would've been three beers less and tequila.

I wanted to talk about the Whiskey incident but those words were somewhere in my beer.

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He texted me later saying how good it was to see me. I didn't respond.

Don't worry. I'm not sucked in.

Sooner rather then later I'm going to close this chapter.

Another make out with him would be nice though.

That's all I want at this point.

But in the mean time, it's nice to get the free beer.

Tomorrow night, I see C. It's been 3.5 weeks.

That chapter will either close after tomorrow or be extended. Stay tuned.

Stepping Out

It looks like C is on his way out. It’s too bad cause I did like him.

The momentum has slowed down too much and he’s not stepping up to put any effort into seeing me.

I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, since the Gala. He canceled our dinner date over a week ago because he was too hungover. We were supposed to meet up at the same industry part this week but he flaked. I texted him to have a nice weekend when he didn't show up.

He’s clearly lost interest in me (though he still has been texting to see how my day goes)

And I’m frankly losing interest in him. I’m too amazing to waste my time chasing.

I've memorized 'He's Just Not That Into You' so I don't really need to analyze this one too much. If he wanted to be with me after those 7 dates, then he would be.

A word for the Angel/Angelus guys out there- when you sleep with a girl like myself and lose interest, it really is fine. I'm a big girl and fully get the whole casual dating thing. I can write my own book on it. But next time, don't put the effort of 7 dates in and don't say yes to a black tie affair. I'd rather have saved the 50 bucks.

The EX emails/texts me every day. He invited me out for group drinks last night. I joined them after going to temple services. He was drunk.

More drunk then anyone else there. He stood out and no one really knew what to do. We still talked but not about anything that happened.

Our friendship is what it is at this point, until he decides to step up. See a pattern here?

I did get to catch up with the music guy though. So when the ex was too busy doing shots and swaying, I put my attentions on to him. We still make each other laugh and things have never been weird between us. He knows he can call me to hang out, but at this point again, if he was going to step up, he would've back in May.

And in other news...I shaked up with the Brit the night that C flaked out on me. We actually have a really fun time together but have never asked anything more from each other. Maybe he’s worth a shot at this point. We’ve been hooking up off and on for a year. Why not find out how he takes his coffee...and maybe his last name.

Groan/Grown

Seriously, how is it that even though I've had:

an adult sleepover with C (bowchikabowwow)

a fancy gala date with C (date #6)

...and I'm:

about to move offices

about to move apartments

getting my period

prepping for my dad coming into town

planning a baby shower

trying to ditch those pesky late summer lbs

I still can't get that damn kiss out of my head??

It's playing on repeat while I'm out to dinner with friends, sweating at spin,

chain smoking, packing up my apartment and even worse, before I go to bed.

It was just a kiss. Why can't I handle a kiss? Why must my Lifetime Movie brain start planning fucking Fall pumpkin picking weekend getaways?

Go Gala

Why are fantasies always better then realities? Why are the moments right before you fall asleep, and right before you pull two feet out of bed-- the best.

The lighting and music is always better in your head. And the pain from your high heels never actually bothers you. You get to say everything you want to say in those moments. Before sleep and before awake, when you're closest with your own body.

You're no longer tossing and turning in bed to get comfortable or flipping over to escape the morning light. You're body is yours and its still, so your mind can do anything.

In my mind I whisper dirty things to him and he melts. He grabs at me 110%. And I can't feel anything, I'm floating. Frank Sinatra is playing.

In reality, I think it's Tony Bennett and the overhead lights are already one. My eyes are thin and tired from champagne. He got me okay with smoking cigarettes again. And I notice he's good at taking mouthfuls of vodka tonics. His touch is softer then what I want, though he does compliment me.

Does he have to pause at the other girls in tighter dresses then mine. I look beautiful.

Why doesn't he grab at me and whisper dirty things in my ear.

I'm right here.

He feels so safe and that good kind of tall, and yet,

I feel like he's just holding back as much as I am.

What is he waiting for?

All I want is a real dance and lighter heels.

What the F is in the water??

My Inbox:

On Friday-
Old BF: Looking back at the texts, I wasn't trying to downplay talking. We can.

On Sunday-
C: Had a lot of fun last night and today...already laying out my suit for Wednesday!

Today-
The Brit: Does 8:30pm work for you? I have wine and can also order some food too :)

My Spin On Vampire Diaries. Double Shit!!

Tonight he said to me the following, in no particular order.

Mixed with beer.

You are the love of my life.

The biggest mistake.

You are the most amazing woman I know.

I'll never be able to express what you meant to me.

I know it doesn't mean anything now but I wish I deserved you.

It was ALL my fault.

I fear I'm already fucking you up.

Truth. This IS what he said. Fuck, double shit.

Help- is an understatement.

Mentally while my head exploded, I said 'fuck, fuck, fuck' on repeat.

A million times.

In all dramatic seriousness.

I've never mentally had to wrap my head around any thing like this.

While he asked me if I had been seeing anyone.

I said 'I'm not the kind of girl who believes in love or marriage.

You should've known that. But yes, I've met men since you.'

(I didn't say just 4 weeks ago)

He said good.

I told him, in between kisses, while thinking of the amoebas he's kissed,

'I'm not the kind of girl you can turn off and on.'

I thought about how he was the first and only male I've emotionally let it.

'I'm not the kind of ex you can just sleep with.'

I thought about the girl I saw who dragged him up her nasty ass doorstep while drunk.

Tonight I think... he was drunk. I missed him, but never THAT much.

His kisses made me think. I just don't know what.

His self esteem is STILL lower then dirt and he can bring NOTHING to my life.

BUT. WHAT? HELP! Is there a safe in between?

Or, at this point...is this...a bad memory of the past. Or a bumpy look into the future?

Help. Do I put faith into the man who I stopped loving? Or move forward without him?

It is...all or nothing.

He's the singing frog that no one can see... is he still worth hanging around?