Learning

I used to think that your twenties are for learning and making mistakes. And I’d say that with such ease and simplicity. Like I knew what the fuck I was talking about.

Even though I went to my five year high school reunion jobless and have never brought a guy home for the holidays, I think I’m just starting to sort it all out.

I wish I didn’t care and overanalyze and constantly do a mental check in on myself. But let’s face it, I’m a Sagittarius and Irish twin so I’m doomed to be a quirky introvert.

Final case and point of how my mind works when I’m a tad scattered,

I’m reading three books right now:

The 30 Day HeartBreak Cure

Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman

We: Understanding Romantic Love

Enough said :)

I was in therapy after work today and through tears I told her how I had been feeling recently and updated her on family drama, the old boyfriend and my disconnect with work and friends. She told me that I needed to build myself back up and I won’t be able to handle the outside rockiness if my inside isn’t stable, and right now it isn’t. I agreed and explained my esteem is shot and right now, I have a hard time making eye contact with people.

I studied in London at 19 without knowing a sole and now I blush when my doorman calls me ‘bonita’. I’m the only one in my family who went away to college and now I can’t relax around my old BF because I think once I do, he’ll reject me...again. I’ve been working at least part time since I was sixteen and now the best part of my day is lying in bed in the morning, trying not to call in sick. Most of the time, I don’t-- but I want to.

Needless to say is, something is amiss in the state of Denmark...

So what I’ve realized after weeks, okay fine- months, of looking into the mirror and not recognizing the puffy, tired eyed girl in front me, is that your twenties aren’t just for making mistakes.

They’re for falling down, and for falling completely apart. They’re for losing everything and everyone you thought you knew and wanted. They’re for letting go when you want to and don’t want to. They’re for learning that fairy tales don’t exist the way you want them to.

They’re for disappointment and betrayal and flannel PJs and wine and staying in alone when you don’t have the confidence to go out.

Your twenties are for becoming a shell and learning how to fill yourself back up and put the pieces back together, not one day at a time- because some time that’s too much.

Right now, I’ll be happy with being refilled just one moment at a time. And then seeing how the next moment goes.

Now, just allow me to believe that I’m fucking right with this one okay? Don’t ruin it for me and tell me this bullshit continues into your thirties. Let me have this moment.

P.S. My therapist ended the session by mentioning next time we’ll talk about my father, since I never mention him and that may have something to do with me clinging on to my old boyfriend. I did about ten mental eye rolls and sadly handed over my copay.

Choice

It’s funny how much can change in a day. Mentally,I started off on edge and filled with nerves. I was shaking while I began to read ‘The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure’ and choked back tears as I read your comments out loud from my last post.

I had planned to take today off from work weeks ago, a just ‘because’ day. And it’s ironic that I did need today to gather myself from Saturday night's disaster. I woke up, again feeling numb and empty. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I had nothing planned. My biggest item to do- was getting coffee.

Then I told myself to put both my feet on the ground and realized how great a how shower would feel. My body still felt dehydrated from crying and drinking the last couple days, so being surrounded by moisture felt good.

Then I did a bunch of little things. I went to the book store (okay two). I went clothes shopping. I bought a new bookcase and put it together myself.I talked on the phone with a friend whose really pushing me to fulfill my desire to teach abroad.I bought a fuzzy seat cover for my toilet. I looked at sublets downtown online. I had matzoh ball soup for dinner. I'm realizing now, I spent way too much money today. Sheesh!

And now I get ready for bed and my gym bag is all packed for the morning. I know what I have to deal with tomorrow- getting a new blackberry, making it through the work day, and then a coworkers going away party which he’ll surely attend.

And I feel...I don’t know what it is. Calm? Less anxious? Not the need for a nap and a cigarette? And I really don’t think I’m trying to convince myself of this and actually believe, when I say- somehow just in the past day, I think I’ve accepted my old boyfriend as something in the past. I’ve slightly slipped to the front again to become the main focus in my life.

I’ve looked at my reflection and agreed that things are sucky all around, from job to family to friends. But I’m throwing down a challenge to myself- and I ask back to my swollen, puffy eyes, What are you going to do about it?

For the last six months (ugh, at least) I’ve been feeling one way. And now I choose to not feel that way. I’m mentally shelving my old boyfriend and cutting the string between us that I tied so tight with optimism. I choose to make changes, baby steps at first-- then don’t hold back. If I can quote Bridget Jones real quick.

“No. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American insect. I choose not. Instead...I choose vodka....and Chaka Khan.”

And since I really don't drink vodka all that much anymore, I made an appointment with my therapist just as backup.

Is it Over Yet?

So we finally met out for drinks last night, just me and him. I was nervous and giddy and way too excited. On my way out the door my roommate said to me 'it's your funeral' but I ignored him and enjoyed the bubbliness I hadn't felt in months. Any one smell heart break in the near future?

We talked and drank and laughed and it all felt so damn good. Way too good. Flash to five hours later and he was giving me a tight hug goodbye and in my slightly tipsy state I mumbled:

"It's hard not to feel things when I'm with you."

His reply was something like "I know me too, but I'm a train wreck."

I think all I did was say bye and walked away. About 20 minutes later I got a text:

him: It was good to see you.

my reply: Same here. Though I can't lie and wish things were different.

him: I understand but I hope you do too.

End scene. I spent the next twenty minutes throwing my work blackberry against my bedroom wall until it shattered into many, many pieces. And oddly enough it made me feel better. I woke up this morning feeling very numb with puffy eyes.

The truth is, I don't understand and I want to call him and say I thought we could hang out as friends, and I thought I could handle it. But I think I'm always going to be feeling more than you do.

What do you guys think? Should I leave it and be done with it or just call and put the final nail in this coffin?

Scatter

Last week when my friend V was still staying with me we decided to see a psychic. We each went in one at a time and handed over the $10 for the special reading. I went in first. The woman immediately mentioned two things- I'm smiling but I'm not happy. My mind is scattered.

She went on to say that I know how to hide my sadness well. And my mind has been having trouble focusing. She said I'm in a job that is fine, but I know that I want to be somewhere else, doing something more fulfilling. She said there's a guy in my life who I care about a great deal but we have trust and communication problems. She said he feels everything that I'm feeling but there's negative energy that is disturbing our communication.

It's all true. I leave work everyday and I have this deep empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't think any amount of therapy can fill. I know I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Living somewhere else- different neighborhood, different city? My gut feeling is that I know what's missing (ahem, him) and my life has been off balance and not the same since we ended the relationship. Like a part of me is just floating and I don't know how to tie it back down.

One day I'll want to pack up and just leave and move to Prague or Chicago. The next, I'll simply want to move 20 blocks downtown. One day I'll want to be in a nonprofit organization and the next I'll want to be a producer with an upgraded blackberry. One day I'll want to tell my old BF I love him still and know we should be together, the next I get angry just looking at him for abandoning me.

Being in the work environment is ruining any chance of a connection or friendship with him. It's all superficial and fake. And I get nervous and angry and sad thinking about how close he is and yet I have to play this role at work where I act like I'm fine with everything.

Couple things I know for sure, and so apparently does the psychic. I need to get out. I need to get out of my job, out of my apartment. I need to talk to my old boyfriend. I need to tie myself back together again and also stop chain smoking. Where did that old bad habit come from??

Are You Having A Laugh?

Things happen for a reason right? People come in and out of our lives, for reasons we may not understand till later. But above everything else, I think there are two facts I can lean on right now

' the one constant is that things change' and ' it takes more than love'.

I was woken up at 6 am this morning from my father sending me texts, giving me play by plays regarding a family situation that was evolving throughout the morning. So needless to say I had an early start. I mentally tucked away the family drama and moved on. We were short handed at work today so I got stuck dealing with one request and problem after the other. I didn't have lunch till 4.

I was cranky and busy but kept things going. I needed the busy. Especially after the recent bf stress.

At about 5 pm I get a call from V- my high school friend who just moved here to be with her bf. They've been together for 7 years and planned this move 3 years ago. He's two weeks from taking the bar exam and each day she's out looking for a job and apartment for the two of them.

They were my beacon. My logical, reasonable, in love, lovely couple. And today she called me crying, asking for a forever. How long could she stay with me?

I should've been surprised but I wasn't. I said of course and we made plans to meet.

Towards the end of the work day my old BF came up to me and asked what I was doing tonight, cause his friend just gave him two extra tickets to see Weezer.

I told him I needed to take care of a friend whose boyfriend just dumped her after seven years. He let out a sympathetic groan, winced and said sorry that's rough. I shrugged, turned back to my desk and said Yeah well, it happens.

Then I thought, perfect timing, you ass. I would've said yes if this situation didn't arise, but again, maybe it's good that I had an excuse.

She didn't explain till I met up with her after work but her boyfriend said she was adding stress to her life, she wasn't the same girl she was and he didn't want her around.

V is extremely strong and though she now has no backup plan and is in a city she doesn't know for a guy who doesn't want her, with no job- she kept on repeating last night 'I'm fine. I'm not devastated. I'm not drunk.' Of course the opposite was true. I think she's still in shock.

To have another heartbreak around me, is comforting, yet lonely. The air feels emptier and less hopeful. She's not cynical yet and not angry. I wasn't ready to take this on and I'm not sure what to tell her. I just kept on saying that she doesn't need to figure out everything in one night, and she can stay with me as long as she wants. Any other suggestions??

I've learned this though... that love is just one part of a relationship. There's love and then there's everything else. It's not my cynicism talking anymore, it's reality: love doesn't conquer all. Love is never enough.

Same Old, Need Some New

It's been five months since things ended. And I'm in the same old trap that every woman gets stuck in- waiting for a man to wake up and change. I'm tired of feeling this way: immensely underpaid and unappreciated at work, and daily just inches away from the relationship I want with pounds of loneliness on top of me after each interaction I have with him.

One reason that I'm looking for a new job is to avoid telling him how I feel. I don't know when I turned into this girl, but I did. I went out there for a happy ending and the second it become hard, I didn't know how to fix it. And apparently, neither did he. So he let me go, for me.

My coworker said some wise words to me that I'm still digesting
'You can't let the possibility of rejection stop you from trying to get what you want. Rejection is a part of relationships and it's a part of life.'

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him about how I feel, about what I want? I spent a year with him and now I get jealous when other people get to spend time with him. I somehow put myself on the outside of this circle away from him. And estranged myself.

I'll tell you one thing- after all of our interactions each day for five months, I've mastered the art of quick banter and freezing up everything I feel inside. It's just sitting there, occasionally being pulled and poked at...expanding and hardener some more. How do I release it all? My first love, my first heartbreak...I'll ask you guys- how is a second supposed to get in after all of this?

Good Timing

I'm mentally exhausted after these last two days, and my liver hates me too. I was on a project this weekend with my old bf, which meant quality time in an empty office. I felt nervous and good to be around him. He was nice and jokey and fun. And shocker, that it gave me all sorts of mixed emotions again. I hate how he's nice to me now when he did such a shitty job at the end of our relationship. It's confusing and painful and makes me still have feelings for him. I'm going to talk to him and tell him how I feel (I know I've sung that tune before.) I just don't know when. In the mean time I'm going to put all my energy into finding a new job. And the gym. Just keep reminding me of the last part, you know- the whole focus on me thing!

One of my best high school friends named V moved to the city to live with her boyfriend. I now have an extra genuine friend in town and she couldn't have arrived at a better time. I was moody and bitchy and ranty at dinner tonight and she let me complain. It was great. I didn't have to pretend with her. I'm fortunate that she's here now.

She's the most sensible girl I know in a relationship. She's moving in with her BF of 6 years and she's going in with this attitude: now is the time to get to know him and see if we can really make the relationship work. If it doesn't work and we can't live together, it'd suck but at least we'll know.

She's not promising herself happily ever after and I think that's great. I know too many girls that put too much pressure on the big next step and it's just unrealistic and they get burned.

Another example of how great this girl is: he recently asked her to give up drinking. She said fine but requested that he gives up something too. He said ok. She told him to grow up and give up acting like a kid. She told him to be more romantic and adult. He tried but said he wasn't ready. So we're going out drinking next weekend.