Pass Over

Passover is one week away. And the invitation to my great aunt's yearly dinner has been sent out many times already without a response from me.

I knew what was coming and I knew what I didn't want to answer...

But tonight, I get caught on facebook, and my second cousin IMs me:

"You coming next week? Is the boyfriend coming too?"

I decide to ignore the second question by overshadowing her with positive responses and excitement. A good tactic...I tell her about the wine and yummy dessert I'll bring and how I'll leave work early. And it'll be great to see everyone...

but then I get another message:

'And the boyfriend??'

So, I lied. Kind of. Well, yeah okay. I lied.

Lie: "I'll extend the invitation. Though I'm not sure if he'll be able to make it.

Truth: I won't be extending the invitation unless there is a drastic hit in our communication within the next week. And I know he won't be able to make it.

Who lies to family on Passover? This girl...

maybe I'll break my pledge from previous post and get tipsy off the manischewitz wine, not be able to take the train home and have to crash at his place just twenty minutes down the road. Heck, it could turn into one great Monday night.

Ugh. Fine, I'll be good and stick with the cranberry juice.

A girl can dream okay??

A Ha! Moment #929

It's irony.

That at the end of the work day today I emailed my closest friend and said, 'Make sure I don't drink a lot this weekend because I've been getting really emotional when I drink and I want to stay out of therapy if possible."

Jump to less than 5 hours later when I'm throwing up in a bar bathroom for over 20 minutes, making yet another fabulous impression on a semi stranger, this time a new coworker who I needed to pour my heart out to after six vodka pineapples.

His name comes up of course more than three times that night because I'm in fact with all females he's worked with in the past year, which only makes me drink faster.

Normal, sure.

One girl actually said "He's an awesome guy and I'd date him if I was attracted to him"

Silence on my part.

The night ends with me stumbling out of the bathroom and the last girl I was with saying something polite like "You're great, we should get drinks again, I think you needed a good vent night, call me tomorrow. I need to go meet people."

And then when did bacon with a side of potato pancakes and milkshake and crying become my go-to drunk food?

So about half hour ago when my stomach was twirling from all the crap I stuffed into it,

I realized- no more drinking for a long while. Maybe this means therapy wins.

But I need a break from this lovely pattern.

A Brief List

On how to:

get over him/get past him for a bit/get distracted from the break/

get to know yourself again/

be productive/temporarily remind yourself that you have a life/don't need him every second of every day to complete you when everything every second of every day already reminds you of him:

^--slight slip up in the anger/sad zone

1. make plans

(check accept to every evite, facebook email and random text you get. even if that requires you spending money you don't have till your next paycheck, drinking towers of beer with no food in your stomach or crying in the middle of your best friends birthday dinner...say yes)

2. laugh

(even if it's at youtube narcoleptic dogs or Australian comedians)

3. look good

(whether you're going to bed, seeing him at work, or running to the store to buy shampoo...don't budge till you can look in the mirror and nod in satisfaction)

4. read Cosmo

(because the lack of sex will murder your sex drive and any connection to your femininity...so spend the extra five bucks and take an extra hour out of your schedule to take notes)

Wishful thinking

What are the chances, that he came to the bar I was at tonight just to see me. I mean come on, he only stayed for one beer, didn't even say hello to the guy whose going away party it was, and said how tired he was from last night (see previous entry)

also, i realized last night was in fact his bday party. awks.

Also, is it weird that i noticed we are both on facebook right now and all i want is for him to message me, even though we've never chatted that way before?

(sigh) i miss him.

if you've never lived in a pipedream, i highly recommend it.

Define

Okay- I need a little help here. I've spoken with my guy friends and they seem to know what a 'crazy ex girlfriend' is defined as, but my girlfriends only seem to define it as being 'weak'. I know I get bucket loads of readers out there, but please just let me know your thoughts.

I emailed him towards the end of work today, making a sly comment about something, after that we had some exchanges in emails. No big deal, just jokes. First contact since last week. We end up, leaving the floor at the same time and are at the office with a few other coworkers. He asks me, if I'd like to join them out for a drink. Another coworker pressured me and I said yes. So we left. We got to the first bar, and he bought everyones first round, talked a few minutes, as I quickly pushed myself to talk and not get quiet under nerves. After ten minutes he rotated.

I need to mention that tonight is the night before his birthday. The past two years he's had parties out at bars and I haven't heard anything...I worry that

A I haven't been invited or

B Tonight was his shared bday party and totally underplayed.

After one round at the bar, we went to another bar. Where his BBF/coworker and his wife are at with shocker- more coworkers who I all know. The BBF and wife seem surprised to see me. We talk quickly, mostly about Lost. He rotates around. I talk to coworkers for awhile. It gets to a point where I get bored and antsy and don't see him. And think, he either left or he's on another part of the bar.

Either way, clearly not focused on me. Quick re-eyeliner and gloss bathroom trip and I'm half on my way out out, when I see him at the front of the bar.

He's there, in the middle of a group of people. I go to him and tell him I'm leaving. He says 'It's nice to see me' as he gives me a hug and squeeze. He's been drinking. I nod and say 'If I don't see you, happy birthday." Even though...I'll see him tomorrow.

I go outside, get a taxi and cry.

I explained all this to a guy friend and he said I couldn't expect the attention to be on me at all because it is the night before his bday and the attention was on him. I shouldn't take it personally. And I'm expecting too much too fast.

I told him to f-off, because, I'm tired of letting things just happen, I know what I want- and I know how to go after it. So don't call me naive, when I say...I'll end up with him. My feelings, my desire, everything I feel is real, I'm not about to let it go because we got lost the first go around.

It's not over. I'll push on, and I'll be damned if I just sit back and watch, as I lose him. In this situation, when he's this close, and this familiar, I refuse to lose him for the sake of convenience.

Dancing with Myself

I've never felt so uncomfortable by myself as I have this last week.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

All I want to do is pull a Streisand from The Way We Were and call him cause he's my best friend. I never understood that part of the movie till now.

I'm less sad as I was a week ago and my crying spurts have been fewer and far between. But let's look at the past 24 hours shall we, and see what exactly I've been doing?

Last night I couldn't get my friends to muster any energy to go out in the cold, so I ended up going to bed before 9PM, literally- just to pass the time, with the decision in my head that there's nothing left for my in the city.

And then this morning came:

I cleaned my apartment,

took out the trash,

went to the gym for awhile,

Starbucks run,

read the new Cosmo,

took a long shower,

put away my laundry,

changed a lightbulb in the living room,

went grocery shopping *for the first time in 10 months*

(which doesn't take as long as a I remember)

put away the groceries,

watched an episode of the OfficeUK,

made dinner plans with a friend for later,

some how managed to rip a whole in the crotch of my favorite pants,

and now blogging.

I have a novel sitting next to me called "Committed"

Can we discuss the irony?

Okay, show of hands...

Who saw a break coming?? Be honest, raise your hand, give a quick shout. I'm slowly accepting that when a guy isn't saying he loves you, it's because he doesn't. Plan and simple. I'm the girl you memorized the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and I still am trying to deal with it.

So last Thursday night we go out to dinner, and we're both too quiet and serious and letting the damn Olympics and the food on our plates entertain us and drive the conversation. By the time he lets me out of the taxi before going to the train station, I blurt out that we needed to talk. I told him I wasn't happy, and he's not the same guy I knew. We don't laugh or joke or play and there's something wrong and I don't know how to fix it. He agreed and didn't argue back. He said let's take the weekend to think about things.

Friday night I drink my body weight in PetronXO. Saturday I slept on the couch and stayed in the next night, due to dehydration and Mexican induced food coma. Via text we agreed to meet the next day. He got right into it when we met at the Starbucks next to my apartment- he said he thinks we need a clean break and time apart. He needs time to get his shit together. He can't be in a relationship right now, it's not fair to me because he can't give me the attention or support I need. He explained that he wants to hang out but he can't be in a relationship with me right now.

He didn't say these things lightly, nor did I take them that way. I got back to my apartment and cried the rest of the day and night. The next day at work I saw him, of course- and I had to shove earphones in my ears and bite my tongue all day to stop myself from crying. I was shaky and on edge all day. The second I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, I started to cry. And that's what my week has been like. I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been chain smoking while I walk.

It happened fast too...gradually then suddenly. It's like I knew things weren't working but I didn't actually let my mind accept that we'd break up or take a break. Or whatever the hell we're doing now. He said he didn't want any lingering questions, but I have questions, like is this fucking working for him? Because I know I was frustrated before but this feels like a gun shot to the gut. Well, heart actually.

I've been with him a year and now I'm trying to figure out how the hell I filled out my time before him. I'm thinking about him the same amount but it's like he's just out of my life. In and now out. Like a fucking magic trick.