Good Travel Timing

So I'm leaving on a ten-day trip to Israel on Sunday morning. And it's a trip I've been trying to go on for almost two years. And I couldn't have planned going at a better time. Work has been painfully slow recently and it's making me anxious career wise. When I get bored at work, my dreams of teaching abroad and living in different cities hit me full force. I think about the intense career belt I'm on and think that I still have time to get off the track and then go back on. You know, do those 'can only do when you're young and not committed to anything' things.

But then I think about my bf. And we'll be dating a year in March. A YEAR! And I feel like 2010 is going to be a big, crazy, full of change kind of year. I feel like 2010 is the year of doing. Any one else get that vibe?

Well he's been working more and more recently and I've been getting down about it and it's just a great time to get away and indulge in my passion for traveling. I'll meet a ton of new people and get to journal all the time! It's like I've been so busy and caught up in the 'we' part of my life that I've almost started to forget about what 'me' wants to do. And I really think, before I invest in too much of this relationship, before we even have a future talk (coming soon...) it's necessary for me to figure out what I want to do in this New Year. And then we can figure out how it'll all work out.

And I'm not talking about time apart because I know (if you haven't figured it out) I just want to be with him, I'm talking about indulging in my passions again and learning more about me- which should never really stop. I can't fully be part of a 'we' until I experience the constant, always growing me. It's science.

I'm not ignoring you but...

I did just start a new blog. A kind of New Years resolution bucket list if you will...

http://damnthose25thingstodo.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

Checking in

Typical pattern, typical me- I'm bored of my blog already. I think this happens two to three months whenever I start a new blog. I'm really pumped about it, and think it's genius and then I'm just like 'eh'. And maybe it's my impending nose cold that's kicking at me, but I can't think of anything clever or interesting to say regarding my relationship. He gets back into town late tonight so I'll go out and stay with him tomorrow till Sunday. We don't know what we're doing for New Years.

Oh I know a groundbreaking checkpoint I can discuss: First New Years Eve with a boyfriend!

My spin instructor and him for some reason don't think NYE is a big deal and they don't believe in resolutions. My spin instructor yelled today, 'Screw NYE resolutions, you are here today! Change today!' and in a less aggressive tone the BF agrees. He thinks you don't need one day of the year to change. My argument is the NYE and birthdays are a perfect check in time.

Because if you don't have someone or something reminding you to do the reflective check-list every once in awhile, are you really going to make the changes on your own?

You'll have to wait till your breaking point, and I just don't do that anymore. What's the point of waiting till you're miserable to make the change? Make a list now and look at it everyday, if it's still undone in three to six months, then rewrite it and make the goals smaller. That's what I do and it kinda, sorta works most of the time.

Like I made a 'to-do' list on Sunday night and today's spin class was on it. Sure, I had to wear my gym clothes under my PJs last night to ensure success but I still did it :)

Spoiled Schedules

I've been realizing more and more that I've been a tad spoiled in my relationship by being able to see him every day at work. Seeing him first thing in the morning before I even finished my first cup of coffee became a nice routine. Having mid afternoon cookies left at my desk each day became an expected surprise. Checking in with him on my way out of the office was procedure.

And of course now things have changed. My company has moved to a new building but my department's portion isn't done being constructed so we're in a temp facility. So since we are now 20 blocks away from each other during the week, I don't get cookies or morning kisses. I'm such a winey complainer, I know. There are more important things going on in the world. But seriously, those little yellow Starbucks cookies are amazing- like little tiny pieces of fluffy clouds.

So I guess the problem is now we have to work to see each other outside of work. And our schedules have been polar opposites lately, so it hasn't been exactly a consistent schedule. We still have the weekends in LI thank goodness. I love having a break from the city and just bumming around with him. I dunno..since this is my first real relationship I guess I don't know what the average normal, time spending schedule is...should I be happy with weekends and a dinner during the week? Or push for more us time?

Flashback: Birthday Resolutions One Year Ago

Note that this list has been unaltered:

1. Have more frequent sex.

2. Be more on time.

3. Daily cleaning of apartment.

4. Follow current events daily (msnbc.com, nytimes.com)

5. Buy cookbook and cook once a week.

My response one year later:

1. Check and with the lingerie to match.

2. Eh. I mean...I don't snooze any less, but I'm more aware that I'm snoozing while I'm doing it now.

3. Have a cleaning lady who I call every couple months when I get really disgusted with what I find on the bottom of my socks.

4. A large pile of unopened NY Times has gathered in the main hallway of my apartment, which makes me look like I can't read or like to hoard neighbors mail.

5. I made fried mashed potatoes/stuffing balls the day after thanksgiving to reward myself for watching an entire Rachel Ray cooking segment and not slamming my ears through a hard object.

Noiseless Complaint

Ok if there was one thing I could complain about, it's his work schedule. And it's unfair of me to even go any further then that because we work in the same industry, for the same company and we both work crazy hours, in very unpredictable patterns.

He was out of town all last week for a commercial shoot and normally if he's away and I have free time I really, really start to miss him and I get a little down about it. But last week I worked till 1AM each night. Even if he were here in town, I wouldn't have been able to see him once last week, not even for coffee, because I worked over 70 hours.

Then of course when I saw him on Sunday I was a little antsy for the obvious randy 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' reasons but I had my period. Now, it's the night before every one flies out of town for turkey day and I'm stream-free and all I want for him is to come over but alas, he's working. And I'm packing in plaid pjs. Of course.

I can bitch all I want to him (and I do) but I can't really make it a problem because he's waited for me to get out of work many, many times...outside my apartment, Starbucks, the bar around the corner-

And when I say waited, I mean...

"I know we had plans at 8 but I'm wrapping up, just dealing with something that came up."

dissolve to three hours later...

"Holy crap I need a beer now, I'm sorry, let's go now."

So that's it. Honestly, only thing I can really complain about and would change. You know, just for him to conveniently be around at my beck and call to take me out to dinner if on the rare occasion I ever get out of work before eight o'clock.

But, to be fair, he doesn't complain and neither should I. Him hogging the covers, now that's something to really bitch about.

Time Wise

Sometimes I start semi-wigging out when I think about the length of time I've been dating him. My mind runs away from my head and I panic. Thoughts of where we should be in our relationship come rushing at me. All of the should's overlap each other and I can't think straight.

Should we be talking about our future at all? Should we talk about what we think about marriage and kids? Should we talk about if we'll both be staying in NYC for a big duration of time? Should we talk about me meeting his parents and coming to Christmas? Should we talk about that our one year anniversary is coming up quickly? Should I say it, or wait till he says it first? Should he have said it by now?

And I get to this point and then I tell myself to shut up.

I tell myself to talk to him about what I want to talk to him about. One big thing that sets this relationship miles a part from my past versions of relationships, is that I communicate and open myself up. I don't hold back. And when I start to panic and get the should's running through my brain, I need to remember that I'm doing everything right. There's nothing more I should be doing, cause then I'd be forcing it and not just letting it happen.

The funny thing is, I'm not thinking about these things without some kind of initiative from my friends, and that means I'm not thinking about them. Plain and simple.

And there's no need to add unnecessary pressure. That's been my motto since the start of this relationship. Just let it go. Trust it. And so far, it's all brought me to a really good place.