Future Present

Another Friday night after a long week of work plus battling the end of a cold and the end of my period. My sleep this week was interrupted with texts from the Brit wanting me to come over. I see this role being presented to me (though on pause till my libido is avail again) and I can't help but being attracted to it. Me- calling the shots of when and where and what. Being able to wear my sexy lingerie again and being seduced or be the seducer. I know it won't be the same. The touch and feel from him won't have that connection that I learned and took comfort in, a million years ago.

A year ago in February- does it feel like a year ago to you guys? It's weird to look back on. I see that old part of myself that got broken off by him, and the new part that took me inches and long moments to grow on my own. It grew back, stronger for sure- but definitely in a different shape then before. I'm not rushing the healing process and I know I'm still in it. My ego, my heart, my trust, my confidence was all broken down because of him. In one twenty minute one-sided conversation at the Starbucks next to my apartment, he ruined the past year and my favorite Starbucks in that one sitting.

I go to a Borders now and sometimes a place in the Village. I don't think about that Starbucks. I've had better coffee since then.

Tonight my flannels were on by 8:30 and I had my knitting and tea to comfort me as I switched through my Tivo and filled up on cold medicine. I got a text from my friend M who needed outfit advice as she prepped for a dinner. She sent me a pic of what she was wearing- all black with great jewelry. She didn't need any advice, she looked great and ready for the night. An hour later I get a text from her saying she's outside my apartment.

I invite her up and am very confused at the short dinner. She clarifies that she hasn't gone yet and her 10PM reservations were now 10:20PM cause her date was running late. He's a lawyer, she explains, 34 and set up through a friend. This was their second date.

She was hoping that he was telling the truth- that the dinner was delayed because he got out of work late, and not that he had made a date prior to theirs. She had just met him so trust was still hovering over questionable. She left fifteen minutes later and made her way to the restaurant where he was delayed further. I'm hoping he made it up to her.

Is this how dating is now for girls? You get ready early and at your best, hoping the guy is telling the truth from the start but always seeing where the lies can fit in? You wait for hours, hoping that the wait is worth it just for one good meal, to see some glimmer of the good guy in a stranger?

My biggest fear is that if and when I start to put out that energy and hope again, that it won't be worth it for a long time.

Textual Promiscuity

1AM Sunday

Brit: Would you like to come over for breakfast tomorrow? I made good food!

Brit: do you want company right now?

Brit: call me when you get this!

me: (no response/ asleep)

11:20AM Tuesday

Brit: Just so you know I've begun seeing someone. Does that change anything? I want to be unfront with you. FYI I'm ok with it if you are!

me: That's cool that you're being up front about it. Does the girl you're seeing know it's not exclusive?

Brit: We haven't had the talk but I would assume she prob thinks we're exclusive. Let me know if you're okay with that or if you'd prefer to pass.

(pause 10 minutes)

me: Yeah I'm alright with it.

Cut to- Brit inviting me over to his place for 'lunch' today. Cut to me getting my period an hour before I'm supposed to see him/ start my role as his mistress. So my role has been delayed.

Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?

Why is it so hard to keep emotions out of sex?

I don't want to have this guilt when I haven't done anything wrong.

I don't want to be thinking about this other girl out there getting swept off her feet.

All I want is to have some fun and check the drama at the door so I can keep my guards up for as long as possible. I should end it, I know. But I want this comfort. I want this back up plan so not all parts of me are alone all the time. I want to feel sexy and wanted, even by this guy. It's not me being desperate or having low self esteem.

It's the opposite. It's me getting what I want and need right now. Setting the rules and boundaries. I just want this role, this little bit of fun for a little bit. Don't judge.

Okay, fine- judge.

I know what you're going to say but I'm not ready to date and get emotionally vulnerable again and I hate that I'm not ready.

But I close my eyes and I still see my old boyfriend.

I have two holes that I can't fully fill on my own - the emotional and the physical.

The Brit fills one intermittently and the other one I've had a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on since Valentine's Day 2010.

I'm hoping the universe will help me out when it comes time to open both of them up again.

Producer

What is it about sitting up in bed on a Friday night wearing my flannel pajamas, a high messy pony tail and no makeup, that actually makes me feel sexy? The hole in my left sock actually makes me feel better and not bumful. Is it because I just watched a few episodes of Call Girl or because I just put in a great, kickass week at work in my new position?

Is it because the stars have apparently shifted and the old bf is making a cameo appearance on my account at work for the month and working with him is actually the best safety net I could ask for since he comes with ten years more experience then me?

I’ve swallowed and wrapped my head around the close professional proximity and it’s working. I’m not just saying that to make one part of my brain shut up and feel more comfortable. I’m still in control. It’s still my team and my account and I’m the one jumping to be the voice on the conference call and walking tall into a room of fifteen senior creatives. I have on my power moves and power heels each day and I let him fend for himself without my consideration. I’m busy and I’m finally getting the respect I deserve at work. I’m taking it and it’s mine. I refuse to let anything get in my way.

I once had a boss that said to me ‘You have no idea how good you really are.” And when she said that, I didn’t get it. But her words stayed with me. I realized that sometimes you need that extra outside voice in your head when you haven’t yet been able to find your own, to remind you about your own capabilities and growth.

The growing pains never stop. It takes strength and energy to grow up and become more of the person we can be and want to be. It’s not an a to z straight line. Thirteen to thirty doesn’t happen over night. I’ll stumble and fall and let myself down and others. But the difference between youth and adulthood, is the ability to accept that questioning and failing is okay. The ability to push your voice out of your head even if you need an extra second to find it. The ability to recover from telling a bad joke or mispronouncing a word, a stumble while walking into an elevator or calling someone by the wrong name.

Each day (well so far in 2011 anyways) I believe that we must accept the following: what we can control and what we can’t. Let everything else go. We must deal that there’s today- no matter how big or small the goods and bads are in that one day, and then there’s the rest of our lives- which hold the weight and possibility of every thing else.

I remember that, or try to at least, when I can’t decide if I should buy another pack of cigarettes, when I can’t get to the gym as often as I like, when I feel like after a long work week I could do with a little bit more love in my life. Okay, maybe a lot more.

I remember that and I put on my flannels and I make a tuna sandwich and I watch Call Girl, and if necessary, I throw on a high pony tail and get out my favorite fuzzy sweatshirt. I fall asleep feeling good. Finally one step up the ladder from fine. Maybe it’s the break from drinking, the sole cooking exploratory I’ve finally taken on, my health kick or again, maybe I’ve just found the right pair of knee high brown boots that are helping me keep balance. Either way, I'll take it. For now- until I'm ready for more.

When's January 3rd?

I used to love twinkle lights. Maybe it was just a few years ago or maybe not since when I was a kid. I always loved that they used to appear out of nowhere, suddenly right after Thanksgiving, around the time that mittens and hats came out. Though filled with wet snow and gray skies, the city streets would still be splashed with color during the cold weeks before Christmas. I would look at the lights, whether they outlined a doorway or blanketed a tree, and feel warmth and comfort. I’d be filled with the same inner ease that comes from the first sip of coffee in the morning. The floor of my stomach would feel full.

And as I got older I started to hype up my birthday more and more more. Adding pressure on friends to attend because it was my special day. I never really knew why I valued those days surrounding my birthday so much until now...

Gifts weren’t necessary but I just needed all the warm bodies around me as possible. December 1st would arrive and weeks of planning would become fulfilled. I’d feel loved and special, comforted and warm.

And slowly as the days followed and the buzz of the holiday season took over, I realized that the glow that once continued through January had faded. The harshness of becoming an adult happened. And it slowly took away from me realizing how colorful the dark city streets were. Illness, and fights, and death started to define that twinkly time.

That big shiny space in the pit of my stomach started to feel more and more empty as the weeks went on. I now still cherish the time around my birthday even more, because I know that as the twinkling lights turn on around town that my spirit will dim. I’ll look at each light I pass and wait to feel that same warmth I did as a child and maybe from just a few years ago. And there's no turning back. I have to deal with the harshness each year and go through the growing pains as if forcing myself to stare straight into a candle's light. It burns as I get close, but if I look away all I'll see is darkness.

I see lovers snuggling and feel the coldness of my bed even more. I hear of family plans and feel the distance from my father even more. His holiday card and check staring back at me. The warm, fuzzy memories have been taken over by memories of hospitals and tears and distance and confusion. You don’t need to watch It’s A Wonderful Life to fully understand what some have known most of their adult life...what mothers remind their broken-hearted daughters over tearful, cold telephone calls- the holidays suck.

For me the same journal entry each year ends with this begging thought...next year can’t come soon enough.

Annual Holiday Solo Rant

I need to remind myself for the millionth time that I shouldn’t drink and blog. Emotional, dramatic jibberish comes out. I’ve been falling back into bad routines with some drunk crying while out. Luckily, it’s only been in front of my bbf E whose known me since my first bowl haircut in the first grade.

I’ve been working on staying focused and strong at work and that’s been translating to emotionless and distant in my personal life.

Hence the continuous physical-only relationship with the Brit and the guy friend hookup over Thanksgiving. I tell myself that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want to be dating right now or sitting across from a stranger telling my life story. I want to coast into 2011 with as little small talk as possible.

And hence the gradual pushing away of all friends who have an inch of drama in their life. I refuse to sit across from someone as they dump on me their boy troubles. Most of them are the cause themselves- stuck in bad relationships because they’re too afraid to be alone. If it’s one thing my mother has taught me it’s that it’s better to be alone then with the wrong guy. In either case, you may be unhappy and occasionally eat a container of Cool Whip, but at least you’ll be in control solo.

Have I become guarded and slightly bitter after a long year of seeing my own relationship and a dozen others fall apart? Am I pushing friends and potential interests aside to protect myself and save emotional energy that’s already hovering on empty? Am I maybe hitting the spiked eggnog a little much and shutting out holiday cheer?

Yes, yes and yeah.

What can I say? At this point, being self absorbed is a tactical survival method that I need in order to get to 2011. After that, well- I’m hoping the cynical fog will lift a little and we’ll see what I have left in front of me besides my blackberry and new knee high boots.

Just Stand Up

Does the heart open and then close before it breaks? Do I spend weeks floating on air before I realize I’m crashing? Do I beg for change when all I really want is his body to hold me close like before everything changed?

Is your first love always there until...you accept that love exists again? Am I going to be hard, and broken and alone, until... I fully shut him out and let myself live alone. Will he one day stop looking at me, touching me, like he used to. God. Why did I fall for the nice guy? It could be worse. I know, my breakup could’ve been more of a heart break. But it would’ve been nice if the break was less nice and more bitter then sweet. It would’ve made breaking from him, easier for my heart.

I saw someone kiss him tonight. And maybe he kissed her back. But she kissed him again. And I was standing there, in that moment. Wanting to be anyone else. Not wanting to see any of it. Wanting, to be a part of anything else.

It’s a slow, easy, friendly torture, to be friends with your ex.

One kind of torture that I can flirt with out of boredom, out of slight, silly hope. But not out of reality.

To him-

You know how you’re friends with your exes. and you stay in touch and you know whose a swinger and whose having a kid.

well that’s not going to be me.

im never going to be friends like that. because i’ll always be waiting for you to want more. and that's all i really need to say. for me.

26th Birthday Day Checkpoint

I'll update soon about my holiday break and how I slept with my guy friend S and how my new job is going but on to more important, immediate things.

Today is my birthday. And yes, I am one of those annoying people obsessed with my birthday. I tell everyone, I plan as many get togethers in my honor in advance and really consider it a holiday break where I can do whatever I want and people need to be nice to me.

My annual standard plans are- girlfriends only dinner, bar night, mom visits, out of towners visit. So needless to say the next two weeks are busy. Last year I had the BF so an extra dinner was squeezed in but I got no birthday sex cause he was too tired and it was a weeknight. That should have been a red flag but hell, I ignored it cause he wrote me a really sweet card and took me out to sushi. This year, my girlfriends are taking me out to sushi and I already have the Brit on call. So here's hoping it's a birthday with a happy ending.

Even though NYE is right around the corner now, I always do birthday resolutions, separate from my NYE ones.

Let's take a look at last years and see where we're at shall we? Then tomorrow night I'll post new and improved ones as a 26 year old. Suggestions welcome of course!

"25th birthday resolutions"

1. new apartment with real non craigslist furniture that doesn't feel like a dorm

done. as of October 1, yes. 20th floor view facing the east river with a balcony, gut renovated apartment.

2. go on a real, getaway vacation with (now old BF) for at least 5 days.

fail. his couch became our constant weekend staycation. red flag i missed again.

3. get a fucking raise already or a new job that pays what I'm worth.

done. as of Nov 29th. done and done!!!

4. finish first draft of novel

ugh...may have to get a 6 month extension on this one...i think i literally left my main character in a therapy waiting room.

5. put lotion on feet more

eh. so I have dry feet and it bugs me...i am getting better at this, but still get dirty looks when i get a pedicure.

6. finish one of my short stories

eh, again. i did finish 1 out of the 2 i was working on then, but i NEED to still send it out to lit magazines.maybe that's a 2011 thing.

7. do regular community service

done. been volunteering monthly with the Alzheimer's for a year.