Gut Feeling

So more often than not I've been good lately. I've been busy and getting back into my old passions and own interests that help me define my favorite parts of myself. And day to day, I'm good. I'm better than okay. But still a tad shaky at times. Understandable.

And then I have times like this afternoon. Where I'm leaving work and I just have this gut feeling that I need to follow my heart and talk to him. Tell him that I still miss him. That these little one liner emails we send back and forth all day, are a tease. And I want more and I deserve more. I want to see him outside of work and spend time with him.

Question- Is this being weak that I want to stand up and communicate this to him or is this being the bitch who goes after what she wants to hold her own standards?

My standards aren't being met my our 'relationship' right now. I'd want nothing from him then what I have now. It's a polite tease, at best, is what we have now. But maybe I'll focus less on the standards I have for our 'relationship' if I do actually try to put my focus on someone else. Ugh.

Force myself to move forward and push through the pain or take a small step back and try to figure out what's actually holding me back?

Two Words

Summer fling. I remember in college I thought a summer fling sounded so romantic and carefree and used to crave them like candy. Two young people just caught up in the sweat and heat of the summer, running around and not thinking about the future.

My first summer being 21 in NYC I met this British guy through a friend who was only in town for that summer, interning at Goldman-Sachs. His livings were totally paid for- and turned out to be in a two bedroom suite at the Madison Ave Affinia hotel.

We spent over two months drinking and eating at the best rooftop bars and running around the city, carefree.

He had just gotten his heart broken by a long term girlfriend and kept me quite emotionally distant. I had never had such intense attention and whoo-ing put on me before, and didn’t really know what I was doing. I thoroughly enjoyed waking up in his king sized bed, even though I had to take the LIRR ride of shame shortly after.

That summer though, I remember feeling like I owned that city, and I was at the top of the world. I was so in the moment, enjoying every experience and (maybe this is hindsight) but I don’t recall really second guessing myself. Sure I probably touched up makeup in the bathroom and triple checked my wardrobe before going out, but I didn’t look around feeling insecure.

In fact, I really don’t look around for approval. I was there, and young and felt like the opening doors were endless. I rode around in taxis as the sun was coming up and let the warm air carry me back to his bedroom with a big grin on my face. We weren’t soul mates, we were just there, together, experiencing the city as adults with no borders for the first time.

Now as an adult, it’s harder than it sounds to keep my overactive emotional imagination at bay...

And, I know not every summer can be a 21 summer but hell, here’s a good goal for the new me- why not try anyway? The worst that could happen-- a walk of shame or two.

Yes, the chances of heartbreak are high. But why worry about that now? Why not just focus on hitting all green lights in a taxi as the sun’s coming up, with a guy who doesn’t need to know my middle name.

Mental Break

I hadn't seem him all week cause he was out of town on a shoot.

Little to no communication happened during this time and I was really surprised at how happy I was. When I heard he was going out of town and I wasn't going to see him every day in our open office- do you understand what a relief this was?

Like I could actually focus on work, all day. No distractions. I took on every project and kicked ass the last week or so.

I'm still working on finding my 'me-ness' again. And it's been...interesting. All of the little trivial things that have taken me twenty-five years to realize I enjoy and value and need in order for me to be a content me- I'm finding again.

I'm working on being selfish, which can I say- is fucking hard.

I spent the last year in a relationship which was driven by the guy and then when I tried to drive it, I couldn't get him to pay attention to the road we were on.

How's that for a metaphor? So he opened the door for me, and I jumped off, abandoned on the side of the road. But I'm remembering I don't mind road trips. Damn I'm good with the metaphors tonight.

I think about him less. I can say that with certainty. Him going away for a week, helped of course. And now I'm at my mom's house for the weekend so my mental break continues. There's a part of me that still hopes to look down at my phone and see a call or text. Will this part always be there? The part that's waiting, the gut feeling that says he'll turn around and grab you and kiss you and say 'I miss you, please let's work it out.'

The saddest part is that neither of us tried to fix it- we just got out when we saw it was broken. Is this a good, smart choice? Or were we both too scared to try cause we thought we'd make it worse? Remember, we never fought and never really confronted each other. And in the end, that may have been the problem. I never explained to him fully what my me-ness needs in order to be me. Ugh, I guess it doesn't matter anymore if the end was the right kind of end.

I'm pushing on and focusing on me- sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that plan. So I need to say it again.

But a text, a call...something to show that a part of his heart is still beating a bit for me, well...that would just make this mental vacation a tad bit more enjoyable now.

Well...Yeah.

This has been my thought pattern recently:

'well if I could've done it all over again...' (pause for a few minutes)

'...I really don't have a fucking clue as to what I would've done differently."

And sometimes this makes me laugh that I end up there, other times I get sad and think, ah crap I really gotta step up and figure out my shit.

getanewjobapartmentbetterfriendswhodon'tdrinkasmuchandforgettocallmeback

Well, at least I'm getting out of town this weekend.

Trying to Turn The Page

I went to a book reading with my cousin tonight. He's a cousin I've seen maybe four times in the past three years and not once in the last one. And instead of going into the 'poor mees' and explaining why I've been so out of touch the past year, I didn't explain and relaxed.

I just had a nice night with him and listened to famous authors including Stephen Colbert read 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

Hell at the end of the night, I even had a slice of pizza and didn't feel guilty. We laughed, talked about Israel, books, movies, and overbearing Jewish mothers.

No talk of jobs or relationships- it was a fucking nice break.

My cousin isn't the only one I haven't seen the past year and lost touch with. Between my job and my old boyfriend, I lost probably a handful of close friends who either got legit mad at me for breaking plans or who just stopped trying. Rightly so. I'm not sure if I should try to ask for forgiveness or keep going. I might not be ready to fully explain how or why I lost myself.

I'm still getting to know the girl I was. The girl who wanted to finish the first draft of her novel five months ago, the girl who wants to get out of NYC, the girl who wants to be closer with her family and be in a job where she helps people. The girl who is always trying new things and doesn't turn down plans, the girl who loves making new friends and always looking for her next big adventure.

I don't know what my next chapter will be. Will it include him or not? I believe I can turn the page and not know. Argov says, I can and should. I'll finish her book and then maybe I'll believe her and push myself on.

Baseline

Argov is my new rule book and I will continue to follow it accordingly and not back down to be a doormat again. I am a cool, bitchy woman and I am fine without him.

(I now need to say that about ten more times)

BUT my ass apparently wants to contact him. I was walking over a to a friend's apartment last night to order takeout and as I was reaching in my purse to check the last text from my friend to get her apartment number, my hyper sensitive phone opened up speed dial and started sending him a blank text! I quickly hit cancel and it confirmed it didn't go through. Sigh of relief.

Less than ten minutes later, while I was updating my friend on the text-mishap Friday night (see previous post)...he texts me, and thus begins the scene:

Him: (7:19PM) Did you butt text me or is that a bad ass baseline?

Me: (7:23PM) Sorry, pocket dial.

Him: (7:25PM) Hoping for baseline.

And end scene.

In between this though, of course is me muddled and freaking out to my friend, trying to figure out what the hell a baseline is. We had no idea and looked it up and it's slang for start of communication. Am I the only one whose never heard this term before? One out of ten of my friends knew what this meant. Anyways language aside...

I followed Argov last night and played it cool, and instead of falling back into a bunch of one liner jokey texts that don't go anywhere, I closed my phone and said 'You know what, I'm having dinner with my friend, I'm not going to stop what I'm doing to get worked up as I spend the next hour decoding him."

And of course we talked about it for the next ten minutes and I called a couple guy friends for their thoughts. But I felt good about leaving it at that. No crying when I got home either :)

I'm really trying to wrap my head around the difference between holding back/playing games AND what Argov says- focus on yourself first and don't let your eyesight get blurry.

Today at work he was around the office a lot and sent me a couple emails, but I didn't respond right away and kept it short. I'm telling myself that it feels good to do this and focus more on myself (and ignore the whole massive loneliness factor), and maybe one day I'll have to stop telling myself that and I'll believe it without realizing it.

I have a friend who just got laid off and has mono. When it comes down to it, I know it's kind of bad to compare yourself to friends, but hell- at least I'm not her. The worst part- she got the mono from her brother. Wooh, I don't think Argov has a chapter on that one.

The Text Message that Wasn't

Scene: After he dropped me off in the taxi last night

Him: (2:51AM) Good to see you

Scene: This morning

Me: (11:29AM) It was good to see you too :)

Him: (11:43AM) Likewise :)

End scene

Outcome- me looking like an ass cause it looks like I texted first, though a laughable situation, I cursed cupid as to why he can't give me a freaking break for two seconds?

Necessary Outcome- him realizing he texted last night and feeling like an ass and apologizing for being such a drunken ass.