Heart Pains With Beer

I've never known heartbreak...but maybe it happens over a long period of time. And it's not an immediate cracking that everyone can hear. But it happens in pieces when you least expect it. The truth is, the heart breaks when it has nothing else to do, it's no stagnant and it's not growing. That's what happened tonight. He was there tonight, at the bar I was at. We all got a little drunk, but not enough for the flood gates of emotions to come pouring out. We shared a taxi to my apartment and then his train station, like the good old days. I guess that should be in quotes.

I let him talk during the ride and fill up the silence. He complained about lack of sleep and indigestion at one point and I said 'wow you never stop singing the same tune' and he didn't laugh. He explained the emails he's been sending me are due to his work schedule balancing out a bit more. To me, this means he's been bored.

A couple of times during the 15 minute cab ride he asked me how I was/what I've been up to. And per my strict therapist directions, I answered cooly, I'm fine, I'm good- thanks. He went on to describe some shows he's seen and he's going away out on a shoot Wednesday. All I wanted to do was yell out 'What do you want to hear? That I miss you? That I'm fucking miserable? What? Don't fucking email me when you're bored, don't you get it, you broke my heart!!"

But I can't. Because for some reason, I wasn't born with those set of balls, instead, after a night like this, of not enough beer and miles away from the closure I need to really move on, I end up crying, alone. And praying to god that this strong girl I used to be, will one day have the strength, even after miles of therapy, to say how she really feels.

White Man's Overbite

There are some days when I can conquer the world. I go to bed the night before, powered and ready to take on the next day. Everything is in my control and I will stand tall and be strong and say everything on my mind. I will say the things I am afraid to say because there's nothing holding me back.

And that's my usual mindset between 11:30PM-8:45AM. And then my day begins. By 1PM, I hate my job. Again. I sit in meetings and read emails and answer phones and talk to so and so, and I think, as I block out the words- what am I doing here. How soon till I can start smiling and nodding to make this person leave me alone? Is it starting to show that I don't give a shit? Are my sarcastic remarks starting to come off as bitchy?

Let me explain differently- I was at a bar a few weeks ago and I was talking to this guy, and if I had been three shots deeper, and not as depressed, I would've slept with him. But I'm not the girl I was two year ago, hell- three years ago. So I stood there, and I squinted at him. I had this very 'out of body' experience, where I realized I was squinting to try to see the situation better. To try to make it seem better. But then I stopped and ditched him while he went to pee, probably five minutes later he'd try to kiss me.

I thought to myself, if he paid me- I'd go home with him. I'd be a whore, but I've been watching a lot of 'Diary of a Call Girl' recently and don't think whoring is all that bad anymore. In either case, even though I would've been squinting while he was on top of me, at least I would've been making a profit. And that's exactly how I feel about my job.

But like I said, other days, I'm golden. Okay, maybe moments. Maybe all I need is a push. Two nights, two friends (yes coworkers, gasp) tell me

A. I should apply for X job, just do it.

B. Tell Him how I feel.

Of course I didn't apply for X job today. But tomorrow, tomorrow- I will talk to the boss of the other department. Because seriously, if I were a whore, I'd be making more money- so I really have nothing to lose but gaining anything more than being a non-whore. And soon, I will talk to Him and tell him I feel.

I know, I have nothing to lose- so I'll do it. It can't get any worse than week one. I look back, and I don't know how I did it. Fucking rockstar I am. You try to work in an open office the day after you break up with your boyfriend of one year and tell me how it goes. Me? ( well I am back in therapy ) but me? I did it. And I'm still standing, more or less.

See that? Empowered once again and it's not even 10:30PM.

Cheers.

Gutted

I was standing in the middle of a club tonight, one that I've been in before, it's been renovated at least twice- so even with the new gut renovation I know my way around and I see a flashback in each corner.

I was in the middle of bottle service with the D.C Nationals (random I know) and maybe I didn't pour myself enough free vodka and tequila, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't have another shot and throw my hands up in the air and dance with the music. I couldn't flirt with the baseball players and pray for a kiss and phone number at the end of the night.

All I could do, as my second drink was being poured as a friend asked if me and him we're still dating, was reply with an enthusiastic 'yes' and excuse myself to the bathroom. The funny thing is, they won't know I'm gone for another hour.

The taxi driver asked me if I had a good night and I gave him a positive reply. And then started to cry in the backseat. Seven dollars later, I got out of the taxi and my friends still haven't noticed I'm gone.

Some nights are better than others, I suppose. It's only week 7. But next time I'd rather save the cab fair and eyeliner and stay in on a Saturday. The D.C Nationals were high strung and egotistical. I told one of them I hadn't seen that many guys dancing together since middle school and he didn't laugh. Damn out of towners.

Truths and Whatnot

I think I'm done trying to figure my (ex) relationship out for awhile. I've had so many friends and strangers even, give me advice and tell me what to do, what not to do. But I don't think rules really exist when it comes to the formulas of relationships. Everyone is different and no two relationships are the same, so how can rules or suppose'tos apply?

I've realized a lot since we broke up. I would've started to resent him if we stayed together, if I hadn't come forward and said I was unhappy. Him and his downward slump was holding me back. I don't know if it's the 4 mile run outside I just finished or because I was out mosh-pitting till 2 AM on Thursday night with a new friend at a great show. But all the things I still want to do, whether they're weekly goals or a year away, I couldn't do with him. Sure we had used to do things, road trips and picnics and shows, but then that stopped. And life without life in it, just becomes...a long weekend bumming around on the couch. Which is nice every now and then. But I'm realizing that though I don't want to go out anymore and slam tequila like its Fleetweek '08, I am still the kind of girl who needs to go out mosh pitting and 9AM runs on a Saturday. That's the girl I like, and though I miss him terribly in every way, I know I was really starting to miss that girl even more.

So why not take this time to learn more about that girl then try to figure out where my (ex) relationship is going to end up six months from now? I mean, I'm saying this now, in this moment of clarity- flash to tonight and I could be knee up in beer and drunk texting him. But hell, after the last couple months, I'll hang on to the moment of clarity for as long as it lasts.

Pass Over

Passover is one week away. And the invitation to my great aunt's yearly dinner has been sent out many times already without a response from me.

I knew what was coming and I knew what I didn't want to answer...

But tonight, I get caught on facebook, and my second cousin IMs me:

"You coming next week? Is the boyfriend coming too?"

I decide to ignore the second question by overshadowing her with positive responses and excitement. A good tactic...I tell her about the wine and yummy dessert I'll bring and how I'll leave work early. And it'll be great to see everyone...

but then I get another message:

'And the boyfriend??'

So, I lied. Kind of. Well, yeah okay. I lied.

Lie: "I'll extend the invitation. Though I'm not sure if he'll be able to make it.

Truth: I won't be extending the invitation unless there is a drastic hit in our communication within the next week. And I know he won't be able to make it.

Who lies to family on Passover? This girl...

maybe I'll break my pledge from previous post and get tipsy off the manischewitz wine, not be able to take the train home and have to crash at his place just twenty minutes down the road. Heck, it could turn into one great Monday night.

Ugh. Fine, I'll be good and stick with the cranberry juice.

A girl can dream okay??

A Ha! Moment #929

It's irony.

That at the end of the work day today I emailed my closest friend and said, 'Make sure I don't drink a lot this weekend because I've been getting really emotional when I drink and I want to stay out of therapy if possible."

Jump to less than 5 hours later when I'm throwing up in a bar bathroom for over 20 minutes, making yet another fabulous impression on a semi stranger, this time a new coworker who I needed to pour my heart out to after six vodka pineapples.

His name comes up of course more than three times that night because I'm in fact with all females he's worked with in the past year, which only makes me drink faster.

Normal, sure.

One girl actually said "He's an awesome guy and I'd date him if I was attracted to him"

Silence on my part.

The night ends with me stumbling out of the bathroom and the last girl I was with saying something polite like "You're great, we should get drinks again, I think you needed a good vent night, call me tomorrow. I need to go meet people."

And then when did bacon with a side of potato pancakes and milkshake and crying become my go-to drunk food?

So about half hour ago when my stomach was twirling from all the crap I stuffed into it,

I realized- no more drinking for a long while. Maybe this means therapy wins.

But I need a break from this lovely pattern.

A Brief List

On how to:

get over him/get past him for a bit/get distracted from the break/

get to know yourself again/

be productive/temporarily remind yourself that you have a life/don't need him every second of every day to complete you when everything every second of every day already reminds you of him:

^--slight slip up in the anger/sad zone

1. make plans

(check accept to every evite, facebook email and random text you get. even if that requires you spending money you don't have till your next paycheck, drinking towers of beer with no food in your stomach or crying in the middle of your best friends birthday dinner...say yes)

2. laugh

(even if it's at youtube narcoleptic dogs or Australian comedians)

3. look good

(whether you're going to bed, seeing him at work, or running to the store to buy shampoo...don't budge till you can look in the mirror and nod in satisfaction)

4. read Cosmo

(because the lack of sex will murder your sex drive and any connection to your femininity...so spend the extra five bucks and take an extra hour out of your schedule to take notes)