Why Won't He Say What You Want to Hear

Remember this guy...

2012-02-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

He emailed me out of the blue and asked if he could come into town to take me out to lunch...

clearly at this point I already knew what the gist was, but he decided to email me recently to put it all in black and white. Remember, I haven't seen this guy since 2004...

His email: the following question might need some context and may seem forward - what are your feelings on casual sexual relationships?

My reply: Haha- overall they tend to be a good idea. I don't judge people for having them. Depends on the context though.

His reply: well, the context might be more fun over lunch. but here's the jist of things: I'm currently in an open relationship, so if you required attention of a intimate nature, after a lunch date, then I wouldn't hesitate to volunteer.

this is by no means the focus of us getting together - however, if it happened that an encounter such as this fit your a.) moral standings, b.) current relationship availability, and c.) time availability - it might be something to consider. knowing people's emotions towards to concept of open relationships is understandable. so if it didn't vibe well with your world view, then no pressure :)

End scene.

Sooo in short if online dating or meeting my man in a coffee shop doesn't pan out I can always become a mistress apparently...with a man who lives in a different state. Come on 2012, work with me here!

It’s Not a Walk of Shame if I’m Not Ashamed

2012-01-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

The universe is a very quirky bitch who I sometimes consider my best friend, and other times my enemy, but most of the time I think she’s funny. Like 'laugh out loud, this is not a coincidence, this is the cosmos fucking with me' kind of funny.

I ran into the Brit out at a bar last night. It was a bar I had never been to and was in neither of our neighborhoods. We were practically in New Jersey.

I wouldn’t have been there if my friend Kelly and I hadn’t decided to meet my friend Kate. If Kate had been on time in meeting us then we would’ve stayed at the lounge we were supposed to meet at. But we got there before her and she was running late.

It was crowded and boring so we left after one round and went three blocks down the street to another bar.

After getting a round of drinks we did a lap and settled on standing by the pool tables. Someone farted so we shifted over a few steps.

Then I almost bump into the Brit. We stared at each other for 30 seconds before I burst out laughing. I hadn’t seen him since November but we’d been texting.

He explained he was out with his ex girlfriends guy friends. Hello, complicated.

He introduced me as his friend and I thought even that was stretching it.

Friends normally see each other with their clothes on more often then we do and know each others last names.

We both prefer it this way.

It’s the least complicated and more honest thing I have going.

We have no emotions attached to it and keep it physical.

We make each other laugh.

He has an accent.

I went over to his place at the end of the night and per usual he passed out before I was fully satisfied. He was up early and he was completely wide awake, if you know what I mean.

I don’t understand men, do hangovers have no effect on you? Do you think sex is the cure to everything? It was painful to even open my eyes and all he wanted to do was get a happy morning. When I’m hungover all I want to do is crawl into a hole.

Though the night wasn’t perfect and he rushed me out to pack for a business trip, it was still fun and as I put my tight dress and stockings back on and walked the streets, I couldn’t help but smile. The sun was shining, it wasn’t cold out and I was probably still a little drunk but overall I acted in the moment and listened to myself in the present.

Sure, the booze helped but I was still smiling and standing the next day, even through the headache. As I walked through Union Square at 9am and was probably mistaken for a hooker, I realized that taking the small enjoyment of being wanted by a man was something I was missing and for the sake of all my lady parts, should go after more often.

Anything Else

2012-01-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

If what you’re doing isn’t working, try anything else. I heard that line in a Woody Allen movie and don’t apply it to my own life enough. It’s time to.

A friend set me up with a guy on Wednesday night. The only problem was- the set up took place when were out at last call after hours of drinking. At one point I told him I thought he was gay, he then took the next couple of hours to prove me wrong with hardcore flirting over the pool table.

He’s older (shocking) and works in my industry (gasp).

He’s more metro then I like and also kinda short.

According to my friend though, he’s good in bed. Yes, they hooked up once, right as she started to date her last boyfriend.

I’ve never slept with someone my friend has also slept with but there’s a first time for everything.

I gave him my number when he asked for it at the end of the night. We’ve been texting and are going out early next week.

I wish I felt more excited about going out with him.

But the possibility of my lower half officially starting the New Year is enough for me to agree to the date. I haven’t gotten some loving since October with Chris (who I’m assuming got kidnapped by gypsies). It’s time people.

I’ve been reviewing my posts from this time last year. I was a hell of a lot more analytical and poetic. But I’ve gotten more comfortable with everything recently, the dips and hills. This time last year I was walking on eggshells and guarded.

I’m not on eggshells anymore. I’m on the stable hard ground that I laid down myself. I can laugh at the little things and swallow the big things that life decides to challenge me with.

Do I miss someone holding my hand through a crowd and making me coffee in the morning? Yes. But at the same time, my life has more weight to it now then it did a year ago so though I don’t have a boyfriend, I still have people I can grab on to when I fall.

And in the end, that’s all that really matters.

Fired Up

2012-01-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

I picked up my third January half gallon of milk tonight, this year is officially moving along. It’s exciting but mostly scary that we’re almost into February. I’m realizing I have so many little habits that roll into bigger things that I just don’t like. I’ve been a talker and not a doer about making this dragon year different, so here's what's been on my mind.

I used to be able to get up and go to the gym every morning, and I haven’t done that in months...like months. My strict four times a week regiment has now slipped to one or two. My body feels different and I’m not a fan. It bothers me more then I want it to.

I used to read the newspaper every weekend but I still have a two week old paper sitting on my dining room table. Must remind myself that facebook is not the actual news. Seriously, I need to make it a weekly event and leave it at that.

I’ve told myself a hundred times that I’d start following politics, but when I tell you I have no idea what’s going on with the election, I’m not exaggerating. It’s like whenever the subject is within five miles from me I immediately want to read a comic book. Smiling and nodding in conversations is getting old. I'm a smart girl and yet this stuff bores the hell out of me.

I told myself I’d be open to love and dating and a relationship and blue birds and all the shit but when I think about my first JDate on Friday I start to mentally wine like a little kid. Inside I groan ‘But I don’t want to make a new friend. I want to play with the friends I have!’ I still haven’t confirmed time or place with him. Am I emotionally cock blocking myself?

I’m in my 20s and it’s not going to last forever. I need to have more fun with a capital F and take more risks. I feel like I’ve barely started this chapter and I’m already being pushed on to the next one. I want to have risque, gasp worthy stories. There’s absolutely no reason not to so what’s holding me back?

Why do I have this old-lady, homebody syndrome most of the time? Is it the winter blues or is the blockade around my heart literally cock blocking every angle to the point where I’m playing everything too safe?

I’ll take suggestions! My pen and paper are ready!

Open Call

2012-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

I recently got a facebook email from a guy I had one date with when I studied in London in 2004. Were were in one class together and went out for Italian in my neighborhood. I remember laughing a lot...and being so nervous that I ate sushi before the date. We didn't kiss, but I remember it being one of the best dates I ever had. Nothing happened afterwards but we've been in touch. He lives in Rhode Island and I haven't seen him since I was 19.

We've had a long distance back pocket friendship since then. In touch, because we both knew we had that one great date.

The message said he wanted to come and visit me in the City and take me out 'for lunch or something'. This probably isn't happening till February but later he messaged me again and asked if I was seeing anyone who'd be mad about him taking me out. All I could think was 'Oh, so it's THAT kind of lunch. K, I'll remember to shave.'

I'm open to seeing him and not expecting a thing. He was seeing someone for a few years and they were living together. I guess I don't have to ask if he's still seeing her. Oh shit, maybe I should. Who someone was at 19 isn't who they are over 8 years later...

Well I wanted to widen my dating circle this year and I guess the universe is responding in it's typical quirky offbeat way.

Bring it '12...bring it.

Online

2012-01-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

Alright, I'm now officially signed up for online dating. I'm tired of my mother asking me. She's so adament that she's reinbursing me. Also, whenever I get stuck with some area of my life I typically remind myself that 'If what you're doing isn't working, try anything else." So, here goes.

So far the most interesting email I've gotten is a guy telling me I'm too pretty to be online dating. Then he said that the odds of finding someone online is like winning the lottery...he didn't mention that he felt like he won when he saw me. If this was a Lifetime movie, that would've been the next line.

I gotta say the biggest thing I don't like is being able to see who's viewed you. In theory this is a good thing but doesn't it really just show you whose passed on you? And who doesn't like your photoes enough to even send one of those pre-made generic emails? All it does is show you whose looked at you and doesn't like you. I need the guy perspective on this..

Also- so NOT a fan of the instant message feature. All I can think is- please at least try pretending you know how to write full sentences in some clever way that gets my attention. 'What's up?' via a chat window is a deal breaker.

Any advice or tips? I'm off to a coffee shop.

Time to Clown Around

2012-01-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

There were about ten of us tonight and most of them were not what I’d considered my group.

Most of them were my friend’s boyfriend’s friends and very French.

I don’t mean to stereotype but they mostly drank red wine, rolled their own cigarettes, ate cheese and chocolate and talked about which small town in France the red wine came from. I was out of my element and yet it was New Years Eve, so drinking, eating and socializing were on my to do list.

I had only seen someone roll their own cigarette in movies, so to see it happen it real life was just plain charming and awesome. I had her roll one for me.

I didn’t inhale right and didn’t smoke it slow enough, but I still felt charming.

The oysters covered in bacon (or maybe they were mussels or snails) was soon replaced with fa guo and then lots of chocolate cake. It seemed like the only thing to do was to eat and chain smoke and drink more red wine...even though I hate that red wine stains my teeth and lips.

I didn’t have too much to say to the Frenchies...I spoke to some guys who weren’t sure what I meant when I tried to explain how my recent trips to both Germany and Israel were paid for because I was Jewish. They seemed lost at ‘Jewish’.

I kept drinking and eating.

My favorite part of it turning midnight and being surrounded by French, was of course, the double kiss. I didn’t feel a full loss at not having a midnight kiss because I had multiple double kisses.

Thank god for the French.

The dance party and more chocolate cake started shortly after that.

My friend’s French BF started letting loose at that point and soon I got envious that she had a long term parter in crime.

I had to leave on a high night, mid dance party before the blues set in.

So I did something that I don’t normally do at 2AM on a Sunday morning.. I walked.

With my Ipod in...I walked to the meatpacking district, which I assumed besides times square, would be the most popular place and I was right.

I don’t know why but I needed to end 2011/start 2012 this way- watching girlfriends curse out their boyfriends, best friends get into fights about nothing, drunken asses getting kicked out of clubs.

Maybe it was a last minute needed esteem boost but it worked.

I got on the train heading uptown and couldn’t stop smiling.

The energy in the air owned me.

One part of me was mad about how sober I was, the other part was entertained by every subtle ‘I love New York” I heard.

People picked up on my smiling. A man offered the seat next to me and I looked closer at him.

“You look like you’ve been making out with a clown” I said.

He smiled.

“I got hugged by a chorus girl in Times Sq.” he explained,

and then asked if he could kiss me.

He asked while furiously texting on his phone.

A moment later he cursed about the cell service.

“Just hours into the new year and you’re already bitching about lack of cell service underground...you need to make out with more clowns and text less.” I said.

Others on the train heard this and smiled.

“Will you make out with me?” he asked politely.

“No. I’m not a clown.” I explained and got off on my stop with a smirk.

I leave my story on this note- at the most surprising times, right before I let sadness take me,

I sometimes choose happiness and I remember to smile, simply at the smallest things.

Tonight, though it was the end of a very long year, I could’ve let myself go in the other direction per usual...but instead I told a stranger to kiss more clowns...because in the end, kissing should always win out no matter what.

Be the Dragon

2011-12-31T14:55:00.000-08:00

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the dragon which symbolizes magic and power and according the Mayans 2012 is the year the world will end.

Whether everything changes or we end in fire or ice, here’s what I’m going after- (feel free to chime in)

Professionally:

By the summer transfer to a different team at work.

Make more friends at work- introduce myself to the group of 20 something yr. olds who play Ping Pong down the hall from my office, and get my name added to the scoreboard.

Fun:

Go to Vegas in February with only single girlfriends and let my mischievous side out.

Go to Chicago when the weather gets warmer and visit my best friend. I’ve been saying I’d visit since 2004, it’s dragon time.

Get kissed more often.

Get highlights, brown is so 2011.

Love:

Fall in love again.

Get on JDate. Seriously, it’s time and mom will never stop asking until I do it. Any suggestions on a good username would be helpful!

Family:

Visit family every six-eight weeks.

Make sure cousins and new niece, and upcoming new nephew know my name as they grow up. I’m tired of being the one who went to New York and only visits once a year.

Make solid attempt to fix Dad’s relationship with his brother.

Health:

Drink loads of water everyday.

Get to the gym as often as possible- this means in the AM before work like I used to. I liked my body better then- it’s time to get rid of those eight annoying pounds I’ve had all Fall.

Smile often.

Daily dance parties.

Girl with a Book

2011-12-18T15:34:00.000-08:00

I never used to understand people in bars, sitting alone with a book. It never looked right. Like, we all see you, trying to read in a crowded bar surrounded by booze. What exactly are you doing?

Today I was that girl. My favorite coffee shop was full so I found a near empty bar serving food around the corner from it.

The bartender was charming and cute. But married. To a girl who he admitted, just needed a green card. When you read the book 'The Marriage Plot' in public, such interesting conversations happen with strangers.

A few hours later, I was fed and a few gin cocktails deep. I didn't know it was a 2 for 1 special but I was glad it was.

I was in the holiday spirit and didn't want to leave. The people around me welcomed me into their group as I paused from reading. There was a shot involved later. The bartender got busy.

I relaxed and let myself fall in love with the bartender just for those few hours.

I had one of those great afternoons where I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I was grateful for being so unattached.

It was early in the afternoon on a Sunday and I felt free.

Monday was so far away. I could sit and read by candle light with a drink next to me or make a new best friend.

I was satisfied with either.

Thirty dollars and 4 hours later I left fully tipsy and feeling good.

Leaving just as unattached as a arrived, but a lot more satisfied.

I'll admit a part of me was waiting for my next love to walk into the bar sometime in those hours I was sitting in Norm's corner.

Another part of me was just happy to leave with no ties.

Un Pause

2011-12-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

I’ve been on hold for some time now, emotionally and according to the extra weight in my ass, physically.

I used some drama going on with my family to deter me from making any choices in my own life. My ability to mentally multi tast got a little derailed.

I unintentionally halted future plans and kept my walls up. I was in a constant emergency landing position. It took me months to realize it.

And finally it’s lifting. I’m learning how to throw my arms up and dance again.

I’m learning how to not feel guilty for just watching TV for six hours on a Sunday.

I’m learning that there’s a lot I can’t control but that doesn’t mean that I have no control.

I’m learning someone could spend their entire life trying to figure out the actions of their ex boyfriend but I don’t want to anymore. Short of him giving me the big gesture he’s done taking up space on this blog.

This is the last post about him.

This is called growth- he came out to a mutual friend’s birthday party last night. He met her at my party a week ago and I met her a few months ago. She’s my friend. I know what you’re thinking, he was interested in her. But he wasn’t. He barely talked to her.

He talked to me and bought me drinks. At one point I got pulled into the dance floor and danced with my new friends. He stayed back and started talking to a girl in the party. I stopped turning back to him and just nodded when he would get up to get refills for me. By the end of the night they exchanged numbers.

Later, we shared a taxi uptown and he started to get cranky and complain as he thought about Monday and the weekend being over. I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I never liked. He still had it. I didn’t miss it.

I dropped him off and the taxi took me to my apartment. By the time I got home I had a text from him ‘As always, it was good to see you.’ I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I did like. He still had it. I expected it.

This is called growth. I got home and didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like he holds the magical weight that could fill the love gap in my life. He may have it one day, but not now.

For now, I’m un-pausing myself and seeing who else can fill me up.

By the way, I’m so much prettier then that chick at the party was. What can I say, I can grow all I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

New Love

2011-12-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

I have amazing news that I don't think anyone could've prepared me for. I've heard warnings in the past but didn't fully believe them. I felt a love today that was completely originally. I had sent out vibes to the universe recently of needing a new love interest and it's been delivered.

(especially after make out #2 with the old bf on my birthday)

Ahem, what? Moving along...

It is so soft and genuine and caring and innocent. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Stop time and fast forward. I had proof of life in my hands. Proof of magic and a bundle of love.

The proof I've been looking for, to restore my faith in the fact that there is something next. Even though, for me- I don't know what that next is. There is something 'other' besides occasional heartbreak and constant disappointment. There's potential.

And it's not easy. In short, it's mindblowing. To accept that what I held in my arms was full of so much. It was thinking and dreaming. It was scared and happy. It's 19 inches and at the beginning stages of life. I've never witnessed this before. And it's absolutely breathtaking, to the point where I'm elated and squeaky.

Though we may always need the occasional EX boyfriend to kiss us on our birthdays or random out of towner for a one night stand, or a deep long lasting crush that may never get returned- the true story of love begins with an inch of potential, an inch of life that only we can recognize.

I see that potential in her- an entire new beautiful force that can give and take, explode and destroy all the love she wants. And it's not terrifying and I don't want to analyze it, it's beautiful.

Today, I recognized and believed in 19 inches of that potential in my amazingly adorable first niece.

If you ever have the chance to witness a newborn joining us in this dizzy world, take it. You'll literally see, everything differently. And it will be lovely.

Pre birthday wish

2011-11-30T21:01:00.000-08:00

It’s my birthday tomorrow, well in minutes. In previous years I’ve danced on bars, cried in bathrooms, worn a tiara, kissed a male flight attendant, ate with Ninjas and belly dancers. I take my birthday to be my own national holiday. I don't expect rose petals to be thrown in my path, but ya know, it would be nice. For one day- that's all I'm asking!

This year, I’m just telling people to meet me at a bar. Simple, low key. I feel like I have a Buffy birthday curse this year, just waiting for things to go wrong. Zombie attacks or something. I’ve been unfocused with stress from family and work. I’ve had little time to check in on myself but time to chain smoke again and lose sleep.

Keeping expectations low is a good idea, and drinking to a minimum. Okay, maybe just a mild medium amount...(said the kiss of death).

I’m not desperately eager for the new year to start like last year, nor am I needing a solo escape. This year, plain and simple I want to have a good night. I want one night of fun.

I've been too uneasy, stressed, and complacient recently. I've let things just happen without asking questions or a fight. I'm used to fighting and feeling good about battling, without it exhausting me.

I'm tired of fighting and thinking, for one night, I want the drinks bought for me...see, a tad simpler then sprinkled rose petals.

Whatever happens in the next year, love, heartbreak, success or failure, it'll happen to a stronger me.

And oy...guess who the midnight/happy bday text was just from? Yup. Some people just don't leave you alone. Well, it's good to have a fan.

Twenty-seven sure should be interesting.

Just In Case Someone Asks

2011-11-16T20:37:00.000-08:00

“What do you want?”

His words came over me like thick smoke. I knew there was no middle ground and no compromise that could leave us both sane. It was either wanting a little and left feeling unsatisfied or asking for everything and left feeling unsatisfied. How do I ask for love again when I stopped believing in it? It had turned into a fairy tale. Can I just tell him that I want tonight?

Will he understand that I just want a moment of peace without it ending in a question. Can’t he just take me in his arms, smooth down the stress in my neck and in one movement just attach on to me. It may not be fair or smart but why not just be with each other now because it’s needed. I don’t need him to follow me into the next day or carry all my thoughts.

I want him to just hold me now as if we both believed in forever.

And if you really think about just wanting that, it's not scary and it's not too much, it's real and it's enough.

Headache

2011-11-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

I need a vacation. Work has been slow, I haven’t shacked up with the Brit recently and I have a new obsession which gives me headaches and I lose sleep over:

Trying to come to my own terms with love/relationships/marriage etc.

I really am too much into the theme actually and probably need therapy. And can’t stop reading articles like this.

I find it all fascinating the way coupling is going these days.

I’m slowly starting to believe that marriage is unrealistic, as is long term love. To believe in those things means you’re negating the fact that we evolve as individuals and our needs change. I can’t buy into the idea that one person could take care of my emotional and physical needs for the rest of my life. I’m not willing to sign my name on a legal document for that. It just seems silly.

A recent conversation with an old high school friend went something like this:

me- so you've been married about a year right?

her- yes, last summer.

me- why get married now?

her- why not?

me- cause you're 26.

her- we just knew.

me- but you're 26.

(awkward pause/ end scene)

So I’ve realized that really we’re here to fall in love as many times as possible and to have babies. Marriage isn’t needed for either. Another thing we are here to do is to say yes to dessert as many times as possible. But that’s beside the point.

What I’m struggling with is accepting this new realistic idea without becoming cynical and jaded. An old coworker/college friend just got engaged. Sure, I ‘liked’ her facebook status but am I going to call her up and say congratulations? Probably not because she’ll be divorced in ten years. See how easily and quickly cynicism just slides right in?

Another example- via text my Ex asked me out for a drink to catch up. I haven't been reaching out to him for a few weeks and giving only a few word answers to his emails/texts.

This is making him worried. He thinks there's something wrong and he wants me to vent to him. I sware men are like puppies, it's amazing.

Though rum was involved the night of his text, I did write back-'No, you aren't my therapist.

I'm not going to bother you with my personal life'

He claimed that I wasn't a bother and reaffirmed that he was there for me if I needed him.

On my end, there was tequila involved after the rum so the text conversation ended after that. But of course I got a cat youtube video from him the next day. Seriously men- just, use your words!

Anywhoo, in short- I clearly have no idea what I want from him at this point so for my own sanity I'll continue to keep him at a distance. I need to see the Brit ASAP so I remember what it feels like to be a woman and a new crush would be great right now.

Pull Me Through

2011-11-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

We were exiting out of coat check. I wasn't as drunk as I should have been. I did extra sake and extra tequila.

I should have been feeling better.

I thought back to the past few hours.

I had let go, didn’t I? For a few moments before having to pull back. A friend had scolded me quickly and said I had to pull myself back in. I was being too aggressive in my dancing space. I was being too obvious, she said, and I should calm down so I didn’t bang into people intentionally.

That is what I wanted though. I wanted to bang into them, so they shoved into me, and for one quick moment, I almost had an excuse to really let loose. I could bend my elbow back and really just snap forward. I was so close. I wanted to let it all out tonight. So close. But I held it in. Clearly I'm not burning enough calories in spin class and my agression is pleading.

I hate that I saw him tonight. I wasn’t drunk enough, though I tried really hard. Even after sake and tequila, he still manager to get into my head. I had been going out and battling the social scene for almost 2 years and tonight there he was.

In my desperate, foggy imagination, I pictured him standing in front of me. He was a barrier and protected me from the crowd. His hand slid towards mine and he brought me through the turmoil.

The fluorescent lights dimmed down and all I saw was him. And after a few minutes, I wasn’t sure it was him.

It was someone else leading me through the crowd, but no one from my vicinity. Once I realized that, I got a headache and sobered up. Who I was looking for, wasn't here at 2AM.

My friends asked what was wrong as they noticed my dazed look but I explained that I was tired.

Why now? I used to be so good at this. At just letting go and giving into the beats and the smog around me. Why did someone need to show up now?

I think I know why...and I wish I could control it more.

It’s getting colder. The holiday season is entrapping us. Whether I realize it sober or sleeping... this year, I need someone to lead me through the crowd sooner rather then later.

Open Mic

2011-11-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

He kissed me again. The kind of kiss I had needed for weeks, without even realizing it. But a few moments later as he kissed me harder, there were tears running down my face. With each press of his lips on mine he was filling another inch of empty space that had been dug within me.

So many times I had silently hoped his face had turned and he’d pick me. He’d reach for me without hesitation and he’d admit, that everything he’d done and worked towards had solely been towards me.

Wouldn’t it be great, idyllic actually, if after all these years, I was what he needed.

The thoughts kept swarming forward and cramming onto each other. And he kept kissing me. His fingers pulled tighter to my hair and his hands rounded deeper over my skin. He was a drug I couldn’t say no to.

Keep going, was all I could think of, but didn’t say, give me more.

My mouth reached but my eyes kept pleading with tears.

Just say it. Please. Now is the time to say it. Those three words.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was close to true?

The truth is my best friend came out with me tonight and witnessed the full interaction. After three years of me trying to explain it. She met him and saw the scene.

She asked: Is your Sir flirting in front of you?

I explained: he wasn’t mine.

She said: He seems to have these very unattractive women around him at all times. It’s kinda gross.

Me: I know. I consider them his fans. Lower, unattractive, stupid beings. I’m above them all, I explained.

Her: And yet he dotes on you...offering drinks and giving you compliments.

I had another sip of my beer, it is what it is. I said. I know what to expect. His behavior isn’t shocking. I know how to protect myself. He’s not going to change. This is it. Men don't change.

Her: So why do you bother coming out to his events?

Me: Because I’d rather take this then nothing. I’ll hang on to is friendship, his connection and contact, rather then nothing.

I'll explain it again, my mother saw one picture out of twenty five years of marraige to describe as being 'happy'.

If you thought you were close, at twenty-six, gravitating towards contentment- whether it was with an ex, karaoke, casual sex, a job, an old friend, fried food, bad TV, a good book,...wouldn't you just go to it without question? Wouldn't you just say yes and let the questions come later?

After all, we're only here this one quick time.

Why not just roll with it all.

Now Up To Date

2011-11-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

No word from C since I texted him a week ago. He’s done. Thanks for the notch in my belt though. Overall Sir you get a B- you liked the same movies/ music I do, enjoyed beer as much as I do, and lasted at least 25 minutes in bed. Thanks for the triple crown that one night at your place!

The Brit texts/booty calls me once every few days. I had lady troubles last week so I should be itching to get into the sack with him but his apartment just feels too far away and I need to wash my sexy underwear. So that’s on hold.

The ex and I email/text almost every day. I’m seeing him tomorrow night at a panel event. I’m not overanalyzing this one folks...let me tell you:

It’s pretty simple, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me.

I was with my mother this weekend and we were going through old family albums. She found one picture and pointed to it ‘We were happy then.’ was all she said. The end of twenty-five years of marriage and she could only point to one picture in the whole book.

Like I said, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me. It’s as simple as that.

He’s in the present and right now, consistent. So I’m giving myself a pre holiday break and enjoying the friendship with no other assumptions or worries. Pain is inevitable, whether it’s now or in twenty-five years. So I’m dipping in and enjoying the now.

And don't worry, a friend is setting me up next week. Give me a little credit, I haven't let go of the reigns just yet.

Hope and Tricks

2011-10-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling that pull towards cynicism again. It's a nightly battle and it’s yelling at me over and over again the same old shit that’s been polluting my head for years.

Maybe I can fight back if I watch more Disney movies and less zombie thrillers.

I texted C tonight:

I feel like this is slowing down. Do you still want to hang out with me?

Not exactly poetic I know, but there had been no effort on his part to see me again since our date last week. I was tired of wondering and doing all the work.

No answer, is my answer.

Here’s what I’ve accepted recently.

Men don’t change. Not after 2 dates and not after 25 years.

If he kisses bad now, he’ll kiss bad then.

If he texts you, he’ll never call.

If you feel any doubt now, well, you’re screwed overall.

I see what I want in front of me...but it’s in his eyes, with his words, but his looks and his touch.

I’ll take the smile from that day, with the kiss from that night, and the dance from then, but the midnight walk from over there.

I’ll get that feeling back again. The rush and giddiness that lasts more then a lunch break.

The men I have now in my life...are all too far away.

And their parts are too broken to turn into anything whole that I could ever want.

They show me just quick glimpses of the guys that could be worthy of me... as if they all are OK playing with half a deck, pretending it’s full.

The ex can’t open up.

C can’t communicate.

The Brit can’t keep his pants on.

Come on boys. I’m right here. And I’m amazing.

Tuck in your metaphorical balls and step up to the plate.

I deserve your full swing.

No matter what- no matter how many times one of them walks away, doesn’t say what I want to hear

or looks at me like I could be any one of ten girls.

I have proof though that a man can win me over and take down my walls.

He can make me feel more like me.

He can look me in the eyes and make every atom in my body tingle.

There’s proof, because it’s happened once. So now it’s science. It’s just a mathematical equation.

A tricky one apparently, that not even Matt Damon could figure out quickly, but it can be completed.

It can happen again, even after these 3 strikes.

Hell, even the movie Once is coming out with a sequel.

Wine + Beer + the ex

2011-10-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, I know what you're thinking..and no, nothing scandalous happened.

I was looking forward to a night in with Chardonnay last night.

Much needed decompression was in order.

The ex texted me earlier in the day telling me he was going to be in my neighborhood for an old coworkers bday party.

I said 'have fun'. Then he said I should come meet him. I texted back and said maybe I'd be around later.

I wasn't about to throw in my Saturday night solo date for him.

I started relaxing and drinking. The bottle got lower. 11PM he texted me asking if I was going to come by. I turned off Lifetime, blasted some music and dressed as sexy casual as I could.

When I got to the bar I found him talking to another couple.

He introduced them to me as married friends from college. He introduced me to them, as an old coworker of his. Charming, right?

I stared at him for a few seconds and then he ordered me a beer.

We all talked and drank till about 2am when the other couple left.

It was around this time I realized I was drunk but still got another beer.

I ended up telling him about some family stuff going on.

I broke my own rule. I had always wanted to keep it light, keep him at a distance. Don't put my weight on to him.

I immediately changed the conversation. I was starting to slur.

Charming, I know.

I was at the point of drunkeness where I was only reacting to things happening and no longer connected to my thoughts. You know that point right?

When you get more quiet and less reckless. Reckless would've been three beers less and tequila.

I wanted to talk about the Whiskey incident but those words were somewhere in my beer.

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He texted me later saying how good it was to see me. I didn't respond.

Don't worry. I'm not sucked in.

Sooner rather then later I'm going to close this chapter.

Another make out with him would be nice though.

That's all I want at this point.

But in the mean time, it's nice to get the free beer.

Tomorrow night, I see C. It's been 3.5 weeks.

That chapter will either close after tomorrow or be extended. Stay tuned.

Stepping Out

2011-10-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

It looks like C is on his way out. It’s too bad cause I did like him.

The momentum has slowed down too much and he’s not stepping up to put any effort into seeing me.

I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, since the Gala. He canceled our dinner date over a week ago because he was too hungover. We were supposed to meet up at the same industry part this week but he flaked. I texted him to have a nice weekend when he didn't show up.

He’s clearly lost interest in me (though he still has been texting to see how my day goes)

And I’m frankly losing interest in him. I’m too amazing to waste my time chasing.

I've memorized 'He's Just Not That Into You' so I don't really need to analyze this one too much. If he wanted to be with me after those 7 dates, then he would be.

A word for the Angel/Angelus guys out there- when you sleep with a girl like myself and lose interest, it really is fine. I'm a big girl and fully get the whole casual dating thing. I can write my own book on it. But next time, don't put the effort of 7 dates in and don't say yes to a black tie affair. I'd rather have saved the 50 bucks.

The EX emails/texts me every day. He invited me out for group drinks last night. I joined them after going to temple services. He was drunk.

More drunk then anyone else there. He stood out and no one really knew what to do. We still talked but not about anything that happened.

Our friendship is what it is at this point, until he decides to step up. See a pattern here?

I did get to catch up with the music guy though. So when the ex was too busy doing shots and swaying, I put my attentions on to him. We still make each other laugh and things have never been weird between us. He knows he can call me to hang out, but at this point again, if he was going to step up, he would've back in May.

And in other news...I shaked up with the Brit the night that C flaked out on me. We actually have a really fun time together but have never asked anything more from each other. Maybe he’s worth a shot at this point. We’ve been hooking up off and on for a year. Why not find out how he takes his coffee...and maybe his last name.

Groan/Grown

2011-09-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously, how is it that even though I've had:

an adult sleepover with C (bowchikabowwow)

a fancy gala date with C (date #6)

...and I'm:

about to move offices

about to move apartments

getting my period

prepping for my dad coming into town

planning a baby shower

trying to ditch those pesky late summer lbs

I still can't get that damn kiss out of my head??

It's playing on repeat while I'm out to dinner with friends, sweating at spin,

chain smoking, packing up my apartment and even worse, before I go to bed.

It was just a kiss. Why can't I handle a kiss? Why must my Lifetime Movie brain start planning fucking Fall pumpkin picking weekend getaways?

Go Gala

2011-09-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

Why are fantasies always better then realities? Why are the moments right before you fall asleep, and right before you pull two feet out of bed-- the best.

The lighting and music is always better in your head. And the pain from your high heels never actually bothers you. You get to say everything you want to say in those moments. Before sleep and before awake, when you're closest with your own body.

You're no longer tossing and turning in bed to get comfortable or flipping over to escape the morning light. You're body is yours and its still, so your mind can do anything.

In my mind I whisper dirty things to him and he melts. He grabs at me 110%. And I can't feel anything, I'm floating. Frank Sinatra is playing.

In reality, I think it's Tony Bennett and the overhead lights are already one. My eyes are thin and tired from champagne. He got me okay with smoking cigarettes again. And I notice he's good at taking mouthfuls of vodka tonics. His touch is softer then what I want, though he does compliment me.

Does he have to pause at the other girls in tighter dresses then mine. I look beautiful.

Why doesn't he grab at me and whisper dirty things in my ear.

I'm right here.

He feels so safe and that good kind of tall, and yet,

I feel like he's just holding back as much as I am.

What is he waiting for?

All I want is a real dance and lighter heels.

What the F is in the water??

2011-09-19T13:09:00.001-07:00

My Inbox:

On Friday-
Old BF: Looking back at the texts, I wasn't trying to downplay talking. We can.

On Sunday-
C: Had a lot of fun last night and today...already laying out my suit for Wednesday!

Today-
The Brit: Does 8:30pm work for you? I have wine and can also order some food too :)

My Spin On Vampire Diaries. Double Shit!!

2011-09-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight he said to me the following, in no particular order.

Mixed with beer.

You are the love of my life.

The biggest mistake.

You are the most amazing woman I know.

I'll never be able to express what you meant to me.

I know it doesn't mean anything now but I wish I deserved you.

It was ALL my fault.

I fear I'm already fucking you up.

Truth. This IS what he said. Fuck, double shit.

Help- is an understatement.

Mentally while my head exploded, I said 'fuck, fuck, fuck' on repeat.

A million times.

In all dramatic seriousness.

I've never mentally had to wrap my head around any thing like this.

While he asked me if I had been seeing anyone.

I said 'I'm not the kind of girl who believes in love or marriage.

You should've known that. But yes, I've met men since you.'

(I didn't say just 4 weeks ago)

He said good.

I told him, in between kisses, while thinking of the amoebas he's kissed,

'I'm not the kind of girl you can turn off and on.'

I thought about how he was the first and only male I've emotionally let it.

'I'm not the kind of ex you can just sleep with.'

I thought about the girl I saw who dragged him up her nasty ass doorstep while drunk.

Tonight I think... he was drunk. I missed him, but never THAT much.

His kisses made me think. I just don't know what.

His self esteem is STILL lower then dirt and he can bring NOTHING to my life.

BUT. WHAT? HELP! Is there a safe in between?

Or, at this point...is this...a bad memory of the past. Or a bumpy look into the future?

Help. Do I put faith into the man who I stopped loving? Or move forward without him?

It is...all or nothing.

He's the singing frog that no one can see... is he still worth hanging around?

More Please Thank You

2011-09-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

When: day after date 4

How: text

What: the good kind of cheese

Scene: he knew work had been stressful for me this week and sent me a picture of the poster in his office wall that relaxed him

My text: today wasn’t as bad as Monday and Tuesday. Mainly cause I was thinking about last night :)

His response: my coworker says I’ve had a goofy smile on my face all day :)

How we left it last night...He wants to cook dinner for me...at this place...on Saturday night. Bow chika bow wow.

I’ll be bringing my toothbrush and a bottle of wine and whatever cute outfit I buy at Victoria Secrets.

Chaka Kahn

2011-09-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting day at work and my horoscope didn’t have the decency to warn me about it last night.

I got put into a position I didn’t feel comfortable in morally. My inner good slayer shouted out ‘because it’s wrong’.

I wasn’t in a place to say anything though or change it. The problem flew up to the big dogs and it got done. I didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one who had the authority to get the yes that the client needed to hear. So I stood in a room and watched and listened.

This industry I’m in doesn’t play by the rules of black and white business. There’s a lot of work ‘done in good faith’ and pointing fingers and miscommunication. I’m surrounded by these amazingly strong women who don’t believe in the word no, no matter the costs or labor that goes into getting a yes. It amazes me.

I’m in this new role to learn and grow, and be a part of something different. To experience something out of my comfort zone. And that’s what I got.

Do I like it? Not all the time. Just because I’m good at my job doesn’t mean I agree with the workflow and how our vendors are treated. But I signed on.

I don’t know how to always get a yes. This job will teach me that and I’ll have to find my own way to get it the way I want to. The way that feels right to me.

I’m not going to wallow or feel this uneasy guilt for being in this role. I won’t let the fleeting weight of things get to me. I’m in control.

I could let this shake me and lose confidence. But I choose not to. I choose Chaka Kahn. I choose vodka. And maybe picking up cigarettes again.

I choose to let tomorrow come and today be yesterday.

I choose to be better tomorrow and stronger.

I choose to not let what I do define me. I choose to let it just be something I do and leave it at that. I’m not curing cancer, I’m not starting WW3. I’m making :30 commercials as best as I can and putting on my slippers at the end of the day.

Popping

2011-09-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

My foot actually popped last night. I didn’t know that shit can physically happen in real life.

Our third date was going to be drinks and then a comedy show but we were having such a good time just hanging out and talking, we skipped the show. We went to a few different bars and again, ended up being out from 8pm till after 3. And again we made out on more street corners then I could count. I’ve started to really like the red light that faces the crosswalk.

I got that look throughout the night that only a guy can give. The ‘I adore you’ look. The ‘I can’t wait to kiss you’ look. I like that look. A lot.

Being in front of my apartment building was the most mentally challenging part of the night. We were up against the side of the building and I’ll be honest, it was pretty fucking hot. He has this slow and gentle thing and then fast and hard switch off that drives me absolutely amazingly crazy. To the point where I can’t catch my breath and my foot pops.

Mentally a few dozen times I said ‘Okay, I can’t physically say no, so you’re going to have to.’ but the words didn’t come. He just kept on kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.

My head was dizzy and my body was sizzling.

After close to an hour I pushed him away. And breathed out the only two letter word I could say ‘OK.’

‘I’m out of town next weekend. So I want to see you this week. Let’s get dinner.’

I said again, ‘OK.’

We kissed again. Slow and soft this time.

My footing staggered while I walked through the front door. I smirked and turned around to meet his eyes. Every cell in my body wanted to grab him and drag him in. But the high from the anticipation was indescribable and I didn’t want it to end yet.

‘This week.’ I heard him say as I went through the door and tried to remember how to walk in a straight line. This week was off to a pretty good start and I hadn’t even watched True Blood yet.

On my tip toes

2011-08-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

I took three days to pick the restaurant. And once I stopped overanalyzing it, I picked a great little Italian restaurant downtown- casual, cozy, moderately priced and good people watching.

Overall, the second date with C didn’t feel like a second date. It felt like we were in a relationship and had been together for weeks. I don’t have nervous butterflies but I like spending time with him and feel relaxed. He’s attentive, funny and smart. He listens to me and is outgoing and confident without being arrogant.

I took him to the oldest bar in the city which he had never been to. I’ve been there a few times and it’s always a good go to. There’s saw dust on the floor, only 2 kinds of beer, 1 waiter and they pack in the tables with people. It’s my kinda place.

We spent hours at the bar so our table got rotated out with people a lot. I liked being close to him and leaning against his side as more people sat down. His arm slid around my back to take ownership over me when more men were at the table then girls. I didn’t mind.

Last call came and went. We were outside on the sidewalk and he kissed me. He said he’d been waiting all night to do that.

It all felt familiar. The old BF had said the same thing to me after our second date. He came into my head for a moment then, but the thought was blank. I simply thought ‘I’ve been here before.’

C and I made out on every street corner along the twenty block walk back to my apartment. He told me he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. We kissed a lot more. In different ways- hard and heavy and deep, and then slow and soft. It all felt familiar. ‘I’ve been here before.’

I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let him upstairs. I didn’t put my guard down. The last time I let someone in, my guard had been down and he still wanted me. He saw me at my worst. He saw my uglies and still wanted to hold my hand through a crowd. C was holding my hand on the second date.

It feels out of order. I want to be here. But right now it feels like I’m tiptoeing into this new thing, when I’d rather just be more grounded. I want to know what I’m getting in to.

So there's that...

2011-08-18T20:40:00.001-07:00

Yeah, he likes me. But for 15 minutes I thought I was being stood up.

I sat at the bar playing angry birds and waited...wondering if I had the strength to sit at a bar and not drink. Fifteen minutes was going to be my cut off and his. At 8:15 he texted, wondering if we were still meeting. I paused. I walked outside and he was standing there.

“I thought you were standing me up.” he said with a smile. He was just as cute as I remembered. I guess manners do exist.

We went back inside together and got seats outside in the patio. Just as it started to get dark, tea candles started being lit around us.

The mood was set and the Blue Moon was delicious.

We talked and talked. And laughed and leaned in to each other. His eyes did this whole twinkling thing and he had a really great smile. We talked about everything from our favorite numbers to childhood enemies to the importance of writing what you loved.

After round three, we agreed to do one more. We both drank slower, the crowd was emptying out. There hadn’t been more than a few beats of silence in hours, and they were comfortable beats. They closed the patio so we moved inside. I smiled up at him as our beers got lower.

“One more?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m glad you said that cause I’m not ready for the night to end.”

Yeah, I like him.

It was late when we stepped outside on to the street. He gave me a slow, easy kiss. I smiled into his lips. I reached up and put my hands around his neck. I like his height. He’s the good kind of tall. We kissed more and just hard enough to know that it worked.

“I want to see you again.” he said more then once when we stepped back.

I was buzzing. I exhaled. “I want to see you again too.”

“Good.” he said and kissed me again.

We walked in different directions to get taxis. Alright, so technically I had to go in the same direction, but I didn’t want to mess with an exit like that.

He texted me tonight. And said again, that he wants to see me. I like having it in writing, in black and white when I’ve been so used to gray.

Date #1

2011-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm finally getting in tune with the universe or maybe the universe is reading my blog.

In either case, I met a guy last Wednesday at an industry karaoke party. He sang Friends in Low Places twenty minutes after I did... better. He came over to me and apologized for the biggest offense in karaoke law. He said he didn't pick that song and it was a computer malfunction. I told him it was okay since our versions were very different from each other anyway...he did the whole 'singing on key' thing while I ventured away from that route.

(I'm charming, I know)

We talked for the next hour. We both think Friday nights are meant for staying in and doing nothing. We work in the same industry, not in the same office (whew).

Getting drinks Wednesday at 8pm. He picked the time and place. He has a good head of hair and is at least 5'10. I'll let you know about which version of GF he likes.

It's been over 2 years since I've been on a date. I'm not nervous, just finally ready. What can I say? My cynicism kinda took over for awhile and it was just recently I told it to F off and leave me alone.

Let's Get Real Personal

2011-08-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

I’m looking for a guy (28-35) with a head of hair, who knows what he's doing in the sack and doesn’t mind that I don’t cook. Must have an opinion of Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Batman. If you like Godfather 2 better then 1 don’t both replying. If you have to know one thing about me, know that I’ll never be able to decide between Caddyshack or Bridget Jones Diary. If you have to know something else, know that I’m not sure if I believe in love but that I want to. I’m good at being guarded and I’m annoyingly independent. But I’ll want you to hold my hand and open the door for me. I want to be in a relationship, but know that I need help getting there again. You can have less stamps on your passport then me but don’t have none. Must be able to understand conversational sarcasm. Also, know that I can identify any quote from Buffy. Please be 5'10 or higher and occasionally read a book.

How I Left Things

2011-07-24T16:21:00.001-07:00

So! That chapter is officially closed and I couldn’t have planned it any better. I left with high reviews all around and HR telling me if the next job sucks then I can come back.

Thursday night I had my going out party and I was a little disappointed. My favorite guys didn’t make it out (ahem mg). But apologized via text and in person the next day. I got good and drunk and left the last bar with the intern. (dun dun dun)

I must be growing up because though he tried holding my hand and making an awkward move, I didn’t hook up with him. I got a little depressed actually...realizing that it was the night before my last day of work and I was with the intern I’ve known only a few weeks. This is whose left standing with me? It just didn’t feel right. I walked home alone and cried the second I got there. That much anticipated meltdown that my mother foresaw came true. I felt better after getting a good cry out though.

The next morning, though I had a headache and had to explain my Irish exit to a few people, I was more or less calm about leaving. I got a little emotional as I packed up my desk and turned in my laptop. But luckily I held back the tears in front of IT. I ended up getting drinks with ALL of those guys (including the ex and mg) after work. It wasn’t planned and it was perfect. I was in my element.

With my boys, blue moon and geek talk.

At the end it felt like more of a ‘see you later’ then a ‘goodbye’, which is exactly what I wanted.

And more deets on the guys of course:

MG... gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek as our night rolled to a close. We had just spent the last several hours laughing and drinking and flirting like we had months ago. And I felt fabulous and I think he picked up on my fabulousness.

We pulled away and I simply said ‘Well, you have my number.’ and he smiled and said he’d call and that he always liked playing beer with me. So whether anything happens or not, at least for now that scenario is in ellipsis mode.

As far as the ex...he gave me a Starbucks gift card and a cookie that morning. Inside he wrote ‘Good luck, but you don’t need it. Remember the little people when you become head of production.’

And suddenly, just like that, the wall between us was lifted and I went over to him. I said thank you and then gave him his own card which I had hand written a week before. Inside it said ‘Thank you for always being supportive of me over the years, whether it was close or from a distance, I always appreciated it.’

I wanted to tell him that he can call me if he wants. I don’t need the wall anymore. But I didn’t need to cause then he invited me out for those goodbye drinks. And even though I still don’t trust him, I feel good knowing that he has my back.

He’s still a member of team D even though in a different way. And I guess as exes go, that’s an ok place to be. I stopped hating him and I realized I didn’t need him to be a part of my life. All that from a Starbucks cookie, I know.

At the end of the night I took ‘EVIL’ out from his name in my cell phone contacts. What can I say? I’m moving on with a different, stronger part of me and that baggage ain’t coming with me.

Case of the Uglies

2011-07-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

I’m not going to get a medal any time soon for being a good daughter. My stock went down this weekend while my mother was in town visiting.

We didn’t start off well when I missed the show we got tickets for because of work. The following night I got out of work late and couldn’t fully turn off through shabbat services or dinner after. Bad daughter and bad Jew.

This morning started off ok and I use that term lightly. She met me by my apartment with coffee and bagels. She got offended when I wouldn’t eat one of the bagels.

We got pedicures which may have been the best part of the day. We each splurged and got the ten minute foot massage added on. Next we went shopping and she got sucked into the store and ended up staying there almost an hour more while I chain smoked outside. Next we ate and got a drink. I wish we got another round.

I tried explaining the stress I feel due to being so focused on my future and how I’ve been stuck in my head a lot recently. Not being able to relax in the present. Feeling ups and downs in this transition between jobs that I can’t fully figure out. Hence the chain smoking.

I tried explaining I’m nervous about being emotionally closed off and not having the marriage or baby gene. And how I have no interest in dating. I tried explaining that these are actual concerns of mine and I fear that my heart is at the end of a maze somewhere that I can’t find. She waved my concerns away and said I was just being young.

My wall stayed up all day with her. I was defensive and snappy. And I’m not PMSing. I challenged her on everything she said, from the name of an actor in a movie to the hat she wore. I wasn’t grateful for her coming and didn’t thank her for making me jello or cleaning my dresser. We’re normally Besties and today I treated her horribly. I couldn’t stop the words coming out of my mouth or push down the knots in my neck.

The night ended after the movies and we were both quiet. I was soaking up the peaceful, warm city walk when she asked me what I was thinking about. I said, I was thinking about how nice and quiet it was. She took that to mean that I was reveling in her not talking. She got angry and said if she knew she was going to stress me out so much she wouldn’t have come. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her but she stormed off.

She was done with me.

All she wanted was to spend time with me but I couldn’t get that part of me out. The worse part is that I know she needed this weekend. She has her own shit going on and I needed to be a support for her. We needed to laugh and be Besties. But my mind was too jumbled to get there when she needed me and as a result she couldn’t stand to be around me. She was right to walk away. I would’ve done the same thing.

Surprise Me

2011-07-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

You know what’s great? Fan-fucking-tastic even? The ability to go away for a weekend and laugh about getting angry drunk off of too much tequila (ahem, and beer, and vodka) and yelling at a guy for telling you that you’re too old to bar make out.

What’s better? During that same weekend reaching your goal of buying a fabulous obnoxiously big floppy summer hat, spending hours in book stores with your new best friend and napping without guilt.

I can top it...the ability to surprise yourself when you don’t know that you needed to.

Like giving your notice to a company after three years, that is begging you to stay. But you know you’re making the right decision to leave.

Suddenly, I stand in the hallways at work and get flashbacks to the fall of senior year of high school. Suddenly, I'm ready to see a different set of leaves change color and leave these ones behind.

Always leave them wanting more, my mother says. Which really can be applied in and outside the bedroom. For me though, it seems to work better out rather then in with the men.

I gave my notice today to take on a job that I wasn’t looking for. It may be the biggest, most intimidating challenge and yet the most risky, necessary step I could’ve taken at 26.

I mean, my company is clearly running low on quirky men who want me so it’s time to shuffle along anyway. (pause for laughs)

My father says this is the most excited I’ve sounded in ten years and the money doesn’t hurt either. My mother says well at least you won’t see the old BF anymore. So really, it’s a win win from both parties.

This is where I will grow. Whether I succeed in it or fail out of it. This next step is mine and it’s sculpting me more as an adult. Why I’ve never felt more adult? Because instead of letting the fear of the unknown halt my next move, I’m letting it push the adrenaline through me. I’m accepting the fear and that failing big is a part of life.

I’m the girl who told the guy she loved she wasn’t happy, the girl who kissed her crush, the girl who demanded a challenge when she was bored at work, and now I’m the girl whose rocking her own boat to see what’s next.

Next chapter please. I’m ready.

The Good and The Bad

2011-06-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

I feel more accepting of me recently. Maybe it’s summer or my post traveling buzz still lingering, or maybe it’s just me growing up a tad. But I’ve really been okay with my decisions recently, when in the past a layer of doubt and overanalyzing would keep me up at night. I've really enjoyed letting go of that layer. I feel lighter, and dance to my iPod more during my walk to work.

We grow up to think that there’s good and evil and a clear line between the two. We get older and see no evidence of this line. The line is blurry and we all challenge our own definition of good and evil every day. I refuse to think that someone is all good and all evil. What we learn changes and growing up means accepting that new definition on the other side.

My current evil:

hooking up with the Brit again who now has a girlfriend

spending a Saturday day eating corn dogs, drinking and other recreational drugs

missing a meeting at work to go on a job interview

urges to reconnect with the old BF (what? a dream told me to!)

My current good:

my new kickball team

book club

Shabbat services on Friday nights

volunteering twice a month

Sometimes I’m truly amazed that this battle goes on inside of me. But it does, constantly. Neither side defines who I am. Both are parts of me and maybe it’s not even a battle but a constant up and down steady balance that just is? I don’t need to decide which one to be. Life isn’t about choosing between Pacy and Dawson...it’s about enjoying just having a choice.

What’s your battle like?

Poem: BBQ Fest

2011-06-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

An update is coming soon. But in the meantime please enjoy this quirky poem by me inspired by the annual Big Apple BBQ Festival that took place this weekend.

It's about how simple reoccurring events in our lives remind us of the good and bad times when we least expect it. Enjoy!

Two years ago,

you paid and we sat with your friends.

We went back to my apartment,

napped, had sex

and went to your apartment.

We ate, had sex and went to bed.

You made me vanilla coffee in the morning.

Last year,

we were friends.

You invited me to join you.

I said I would.

But I couldn’t leave my apartment.

This year,

I walked past.

And didn’t think of you until later.

We aren’t friends.

Now, I hope you’re happy,

and banging a fatty whose bad in bed.

Down in front

2011-06-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have a friend whose amazing at quieting my occasionally enraged ego and bringing me back down to earth. I've been a little on edge getting back into the groove of things after experiencing such a big, outer world for 10 days. Now I'm back in my inner, focused life, where everything is as I left it. And I'm realizing I need to take slightly more control of how things are. Letting go of some baggage and getting more of what I want. Parts of my life outside of work feel like there's no there, there. I'll admit, mostly social aspects and in my love life. I want to feel filled constantly, not just 10 days at a time with a passport.

My friend reminded me today that what we have now and currently are is the blessing we should appreciate. Everything else is extra and doesn't need to be focused on. The 'But I wants' and 'Shoulds' are just us battling ourselves. The head fighting the heart.

Too many times we're given blessings to be thankful for that we can't see right in front of us. Like the story of that guy whose town is flooding and he's waiting for a miracle to be saved and he doesn't see all the chances that are in front of him. The truth is that our happiness is left in the hands of us. We get handed toilet paper over and over again, but most of the time we don't realize it and it's only us that can wipe our own ass.

There's what we do and not do, what we ask for or wait for, happy or accept part of sadness. All one common factor- the self.

I've been catching up on the blogs and my own life since I've been away and everyone seems to be unhappy with what's in front of them. Pissed off at friends, left by loved ones, overlooked at work. What are we missing that we can't lead with our hearts and go after what we want to be content with what we have and are?

Turn Up The Radio

2011-05-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time. Strong and pretty and confidant and good at my job. And of course when one part of your life is good, the others...need work to balance things out. Nothing new happened with mg. At work there’s never a time to talk and I feel like we are different people when we are together outside of work. I don’t see this as a bad or mean thing, it’s just that we don’t work together on the same projects and there’s never really time to flirt. So it’s mostly radio silence during the day unless I shout out to him every time he goes to the bathroom. Awkward.

He left work before me tonight and lingered. I didn’t say much cause I was in work mode. I texted him when I left the office a half hour later and said ‘Just left the office, want to grab a beer?’ Radio silence.

Luckily, I’m on vacation starting now for 10 days and venturing to Berlin with a small tour group. My thoughts will be about beer and men and a language I don’t know in a City I don’t know and I can’t freaking wait! THIS is the environment I live for. I know no one on the trip and can’t wait to exercise the inner me!

I will leave mg and work behind for 10 days.

It’s silly really. He’s given me no real reason to fall for him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet or calling me every hour. He has yet to really use my number.

And yet, here I am, fallen. And I wish it was for a guy who was really fully there, deserving of my feelings. It’s just so much nothing...and my feelings are being wasted. Though I love the flirting and the random kisses and another reason to dress well, but I miss the return feelings and the certainty of being liked.

I miss feeling close with winks and smiles and inside jokes. I don’t miss the old BF but I miss the proximity I was able to have. If it’s not going to happen with mg then it’ll be someone else. I just wish they were here already. Because I’m ready.

I want to mentally kick myself again. Because even though I keep reminding myself to let this crush just be a crush, I checked my cell about a dozen times after I hit send. Why is it that even though when our brains know the reality, our hearts still like to play the game even though the other player is barely there?

Perhaps less tequila...

2011-05-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

It happened again and yes, tequila was involved and we were out in our work group including the old boyfriend. The night had been filled with back and forth smiles and him occasionally putting his hand on my back and letting it linger. I’m not sure if anyone saw but I felt a constant pull to him. I don’t know if I leaned back into his hand, but I should’ve.

At one point him and my old BF were standing side by side, MG is taller. When I realized this I couldn’t help but smile. MG glowed in comparison and I saw gold coins click above his head.

The old BF reminds me of Marty McFly fading away in Back to the Future 2. And I’m really okay with that. It’s amazing to look at someone and not care what they say or do when sometime ago that same person made or broke every moment of my day. Who da thought?

So the night went on and more beer was had and then it was just the two of us sitting on bar stools and leaning towards each other. It again, felt like a fuzzy combo of a date and a drinking buddy.

At one point he said ‘So tell me everything about you.’

I said ‘I don’t like coconut.’

I’m a charmer, what can I say? I’m not ready to open up to him. I want to and there’s so much I could tell him and Iet him actually be there and be whatever he’s going to be.

But a couple of things- he doesn’t contact me outside of work and he hasn’t asked me out one on one. We haven’t talked about the make out on Cinco de Mayo.

I wanted to bring it up the other night but the words never left my mouth. The night ended with him walking me home and yes... we did walk one block in the wrong direction due to the fuzziness from tequila, but we made it. In front of my apartment we kissed a few times but not made out. It was different this time...it felt more polite then anything else.

What I want next- one on one time with less drinking.

What will happen- more smiles across the office and me waiting for him to make a move, hoping we don’t get stuck in the friends zone. Perhaps I need lower cut shirts?

Never Be

2011-05-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl who'd squeal when a guy would kiss her ...until he did. This kiss was sweet and nervous and I'll take it a dozen more times. And thank you and the powers that be, but it was from him- reaching down to me and kissing over and over again. My heart melts. And I really don't care what happens next. We could forget it all but I'd still have that moment of slowly reaching in, slower. I couldn't have written it better and I love writing. All of a sudden we were inches and we smiled, and we were closer, and then I ducked and smiled and he did the same. Over and over again. Until, he kissed me. And I pulled back in surprise and reached in for more. And we both blushed and realized what happened.

It's in writing now...no matter what happens, I'll take tonight and be so fucking happy about what happens next, I'll take an inch. Any inch.

Too Awesome?

2011-04-29T16:04:00.001-07:00

I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend when he turned to me and said, “Wait, I thought you were happy being single?”

I don’t know what I said that set him off but I replied quickly. “Whose happy being single?” He brought up the benefit of casual sex and I agreed but his question stayed with me.

Have I been happy being single this past months? I know my vag hasn’t been but I haven’t really thought about my emotional and mental self. I got really good at ignoring it.

I felt it tonight.

And maybe it’s just the burst of Spring and the abundance of pregnancies and engagements that come with it, but I felt that old deep pang of loneliness when I left work tonight.

That pang and frustration that comes with turning around and not having a safety net.

The doubt that comes with knowing that though it’s up to me whether I go out or stay in on a Friday night, there’s no one that will really care.

The sadness that comes with waiting for that guy, or any guy, to see you and give you the attention you deserve. And the sadness gets worse as the waiting continues.

There’s a piece that’s missing when you know you’re amazing, are told that you’re amazing but still don’t get to the next step of returned affection. It doesn’t help that these compliments mostly come from married or engaged men whose next thought is probably ‘Why is she single’ which luckily I haven’t heard out loud yet.

In the last two days from two different unavailable guys I heard ‘this is why I like you..’ and they went on to describe the awesome qualities I already know about myself. And though compliments like this make me glow, at the same time I just wonder why are all the wrong men noticing my awesomeness?

Am I too awesome and confident to the point where I seem unobtainable? It could be possible. Look at Buffy.

Slow Workings

2011-04-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

If I could spend all my time at work just crushing and lingering around MG (music guy AKA work crush) then we would probably be further along, but I have to go to stupid meetings and do stupid work the majority of the time. So during the week our interaction is limited to him saying hi as he’s walking past my desk to go to the men’s room.

Luckily my best friend at work, C, sits right next to him so I have chances to go over there but unluckily the senior guy I work with sits over there too. Most of the time I get stuck by him and don’t get any farther down the line. Again, if I could just spend my time at work plotting and executing casual interactions with MG I’d be a happier camper and so would my who-hah.

I’m a good multi-tasker though so here’s where my plotting took me last week. Even though I was out of the office on a shoot, I made moves of course.

I had tentative plans to get drinks with C Thursday after work so I wrote MG in an email asking if he wanted to join. First non work related email by the way. It had to happen sometime so why not from me with the subject line of ‘Yo’. He said he wants to but it’d have to be early cause he had band practice. Swoon.

I ended up shooting late so I wrote him an email to reschedule for Friday but didn’t mention C’s name. Kinda genius, I know. He responded with enthusiasm.

I of course, made backup plans. A coworker I barely knew was having a going away party at a bar by work. My backup plan was to meet another coworker there.

I went back to the office after shooting and casually walked to MG’s desk and said I was going to the bar around the corner if he wanted to meet me out. I kept it simple.

I didn’t ask how late he was working or if C wanted to come. (I already knew she was stressed and not in the mood to drink).

I went to the bar and 15 minutes later he shows up. He doesn’t bring anyone, and doesn’t know anyone but me. We grab stools at the bar away from the group and he buys a round. I’m elated, of course.

In the first five minutes he asked me what my old BF was doing. I said I didn’t know.

He said he thinks he’s out of town shooting. I said again, I didn’t know.

I moved the conversation on from there and he wasn’t brought up again.

We talk for the next few hours and he asks what I’m doing this weekend. I tell him relaxing and catching up on sleep. I ask him and he said no plans tomorrow night. He says maybe I can call you and we can hang out. I give him my number. Again, elated.

He ends with saying we should do this again really soon.

He didn’t call. Shrug. I realized later I probably played up too much that I wanted to do nothing all weekend instead of talking about what we’d do. So moving on. Things have been the same this week at work with casual hi’s and smiles.

In conclusion: He has my number, what the heck is he waiting for?

Sweet Tea on a Tuesday night

2011-04-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

The nights I crave are the ones where I stop caring about the stresses of first impressions and which D to be and I become wildly and amazingly myself. I’m honest and friendly and open and share and don’t apologize. The nights I crave are the ones where I live in the now and agree to another drink without thinking of tomorrow’s work day. I become me, in the now. And I’m not selling or trying to find a motive.

I research the people in front of me and dig for likeness and differences with me. I’m fascinated with all of it. They know the kind of douches I’ve dated and the mean girls I’ve dumped, only they have different names. We’re all on the same boat and looking for the same epiphany to help us get sleep each night. We’re all looking for that closure that we say we don’t need, and yet, jump to each new text for- just in case. We’re all seconds away from pulling on our life jackets; relieved to see that someone else has just as shaky hands up close.

The nights I crave are the ones where I let go of yesterday and am not anxious about tomorrow. And those nights do happen. Like tonight. In those nights, I flirt with a new boy and sip on a new drink. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the last week/month and nod happily to another drink without looking at the time. Sometimes, it’s best to let time go while you sort out the present, no matter where you are.

The nights I crave are the ones where smoked salmon and string cheese have become my drunken munchies and the days of delivery pizza are a faded memory. In those nights, I let go of whatever I’ve been searching for and I just hold on to whatever’s in front of me, and that’s okay.

I Don't Miss College and Here's Why

2011-04-07T18:49:00.001-07:00

I don’t mind working late. And no it’s not for the reasons your all thinking, (ahem) work crush (ahem).

Most of the time I’m not in the office during the day but out with another vendor being treated as a client. And it’s just as lovely as it sounds.

I put a good, long hard day in. And I know when I’m complaining about the little things that I can let go of as I close down my laptop for the day. And I know when I’m stuck in bigger learning curves that I need to work or they’ll keep holding me back.

I smile and look people in the eye when I meet them. I push myself and hold back when I need to. I act familiar and comfortable and ask questions without apologizes.

There’s this great moment though when I’m leaving whatever high-rise lobby I’m in. I whip my scarf around my neck and smile to the security guard as I swing through the rotating doors to be greeted by a warm breeze. I fall into line with the tired, shuffling workers on the dark streets. I reach and battle for the comfort of a taxi and shrug when I settle on the bus. Happy that I saved ten bucks.

I play silent word puzzles over a stranger’s shoulder and make funny faces at a kid. I think about what’s in my fridge and start fantasizing about the feel of my slippers. And then I remind myself I really need to have sex soon before I forget how. I work on another word puzzle.

I exhale in the security of my own, empty apartment, slowly stirring the stillness as I turn on each light and move between rooms. The heels get kicked off first and then I remove my jewelry. And when I’m back in the easiness of my own height, I push my hair into a high messy bun before going into the bathroom. I feel light and lazy as I turn the sink water on. Water splashes on my face for minutes, and I scrub it clean until it’s red.

With just a light layer of moisturizer on, I become me again. I realize ten hours too late, that the blemish on my face isn’t as noticeable as I originally thought. And my bangs didn’t have to be messed with so much. I see that my eyes are starting to look worn in a way I actually like. I smile at my reflection and see how I look more like my mother every day.

I turn my blackberry on silent and turn the radio up louder.

And this is the actual dream I had when I was a kid, growing up what felt like a million miles away from the city: being comfortable in a pair of heels and pushing through rotating doors, striding into high-rise lobbies, the coffee cart guy knowing my usual, picking up a carton of milk on the way home from work, and dancing in my room alone with a view of the Chrysler building behind me.

And right now, sliding around in my slippers and the feel of tomorrow morning already in the air, I don’t want to be anywhere else or anyone else- blemish, messy bangs and all.

P.S. And yes, I know sometimes I ACTUALLY AM Anne Hathaway playing a lead role in Saint Elmo's Fire. But I gotta overact and enjoy it while I can because I know I could turn into a cameo at any moment.

Alright, so that wasn't a date. But...

2011-03-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

It really wasn't a date! It was a so 'hey, I couldn't have planned that any better' drink thing. New crush and other male coworker were on their way out of work tonight while I was still working and casually asked, 'are you guys grabbing a beer?' and they said YES.

I cooly said, 'Well here's my cell, let me know if you go anywhere else besides the bar around the corner.' I met them about twenty minutes later and after one round, the coworkers girlfriend showed up. She's been trying to meet new girlfriends recently so we had lots to talk about and she invited me out friday night. Win to a hard rock cafe book release party!

Soon, right around when new crush and me had refilled our beer, they went to go walk their dog and they were gone. Euphemism not included.

And then, it was just me and him. Going beer for beer, on a Tuesday no less.

We talked about favorite books and music. And favorite movies. And what it meant to have a fav movie. And the idea of a vacation road trip came up, with me and him driving to the west coast. Specific dates were even mentioned by him. I kept it light.

I wanted to grab him and tell him I could never be his platonic co pilot but I went with it. We kept on drinking until we realized Wednesday morning would be starting soon.

He kept on questioning whether I'd be ok walking home and I shrugged him off. I wanted to pull him close and kiss him deep. But didn't. I left it as is. Our first night kind of alone, talking to each other. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

Nothing, something. A promise for more, a clue for less. For now, I'm really just happy with tonight.

Becoming

2011-03-21T18:54:00.001-07:00

The one thing we can depend on is things changing. When life starts to feel too static and I can’t see any movement ahead, I look at the 10 day forecast for relief. The temperature will rise and fall, it’ll change, it’ll effect you and sometimes that’s all you need.

I’m amazed at how things do change though, with us pushing or pulling or miles away, the change happens.

People who were barely in your life at one point, now permanent fixtures. You mess up and they’re still there now. A new friend. When before you were strangers in the hallway, not even blinking in the same direction.

Then there’s other people, the ones who by definition were always supposed to be there for you, the ones who were supposed to know and love you the best through it all, shockingly, now- you cant find a reason to pick up the phone and call. The connection to them feels empty and somber, like a volume that you can’t bring yourself to turn up, so you let it stay silent.

You change. You change for the better, you change for the worst, each day. You let other people in, all the way in, and you try not to worry if they’ll be gone tomorrow. You let some people go because you know they’ll disappoint you when it matters most, or maybe they already have. You let some people go because you know you’ll disappoint them when it matters most, even if they don’t know it yet.

You care about the little things less and laugh at the big things as you shake your head at another rainy sky. You walk taller and answer to yourself more. You get more comfortable with the lows and you rejoice in the highs. You take the time for quiet and you take the time for loudness. You push yourself and look for new adventures, a new best friend, a new crush, a new story to tell.

You get okay with failing and understand it’s just you, learning. You learn to smile at your reflection with no makeup on. You say sorry less and own your own faults. You start to love dancing alone and singing loud. You take less time for the people who make you doubt yourself and more time for you. You feel good about feeling good.

You become you, with change.

Or as I like to call it-- that identical feeling that’s in that scene in Bridget Jones when she’s walking over the Thames Bridge with no cigarette, post break up and that really happy music is playing when the wind picks up. You know what I mean??

Glove Loss

2011-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

The end of a relationship is a massive loss- it doesn’t matter where the ending comes from. A loss is a loss, living or dead.

I compare the end of my first relationship to losing a glove. But not just any glove, no. This glove was part of a pair of gloves, an expensive, high quality Burberry, went through a NYC winter pair of gloves. A warm buzz went through me every time I put on those gloves and I knew each time I was comforted that they’re value went up.

I lost one glove one night. It was almost exactly one year after my relationship ended, during that awkward, uneasy is it winter or spring period in March. And though I kept on thinking the glove would turn up, a part of me knew it was gone. All I had left over was the other glove. It was useless. It’s value dropped to below zero.

Each time I saw it, all it did was remind me that it used to be a part of a pair. And then I got a rush of the feel good warmth I had when I wore both gloves. I’d get angry and frustrated and sad thinking of what I lost. All the time and energy I put into finding the glove didn’t matter. All the time I had wearing those gloves felt like a waste.

I hated feeling sad about losing the other glove and having to stare down at it’s remnants. I reminded myself that the weather was changing and I didn’t really need the gloves anymore. The worst of the winter is over and really, I didn’t need a pair of gloves till next season. It didn’t matter if I had the other glove or not. I didn’t need them. They meant nothing to me.

I began to look at my first boyfriend this way. I keep him in my life at a safe, yet close distance on a daily basis. I responded to his inside jokes and winks. And I’m in a constantly reminder of our relationship and everything I felt, and I’d get confused by the loss. He’s still here, he’s just missing this other part. I lied to myself in thinking I didn’t need that other part.

We all need that other part. It completes the warmth, the support and buzz we feel when we really have someone in our lives. Anything short of that other part is a total waste.

So what did I do? What did that final text mean from the other night? What was my drunken self really doing?

I was getting rid of the other glove that I still owned and getting ready for Spring. Because who needs a constant reminder of how bad a winter was when storefronts are showing open-toed shoes?

Ok, Time for Therapy

2011-03-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

Don't be mad at me. I told you this wasn't going to be an easy road for me.

But I went out last night for his bday with coworkers and got very drunk and upset (again).

The good news is I barely talked to him and actually soaked up the attention of the guy mentioned in this post.

I talked to everyone but him and had a great time, mostly.

I need to learn to leave the party early once I realize I'm having a good time.

Staying till the end of the night has clearly been getting me nowhere.

Lesson #94983 in being an adult.

We left the bar and went to a karaoke suite. There was more beer. I kept drinking.

Mainly because that girl and him kept getting closer. I was disgusted.

I focused on the 'maybe guy' and beer. The latter started turning on me.

You'd think I still had feelings for him but that's really not where my anger and frustration is coming from. It's the fact that I saw myself where the girl was standing. Him, trying to push her away cause he was trying to be discreet around coworkers.

I watched from a distance as he got drunker and drunker and honestly didn't really seem all the happy. There was no genuine smile to be found. It's as if someone gave him a costume to wear that he feels stuck in.

At the end of the night I convinced that girl to walk with me because we live in the same neighborhood.

When we got to her corner, he appeared. They planned this.

I was drunk and played stupid.

I asked if he was going to the train station and he said yes. I said goodnight and turned around.

I shouldn't have turned back around. But again, I was drunk and stupid.

And apparently really like emotional pain with beer.

They were making out in front of her building and I watched. It was painful but some reason my brain couldn't get my feet to move. I've never seen anything so unattractive. They looked like two fat otters gnawing at each other.

They went into her apartment.

I called my guy friend S and cried to him. Then I texted you know who and said 'I don't wan't to be friends moving forward. Please don't email me or text.'

He wrote back right away and said 'Understand.'

Here's my problem. Alright there's clearly more then one here.

I'm still wrapping my head around being dropped a year ago. And now that he's shacking up and being sleazy, I feel like he's dropping me over and over again each time.

To me- his actions are saying- he'd rather be this much of a mess then attempt to fix things with me a year ago. He picked misery. And now I'm seeing it the true light.

I don't want to be with him. I don't. He's a workaholic and a total mess.

I just don't like not being picked. I don't like being rejected. And I still don't understand how the same guy who got me through my grandmother's death and parent's separation, can be the same guy I see now.

I want an explanation.

That's where therapy will come in.

I also need therapy to get me to stop grimacing about the idea of dating.

Right now, I don't see the point. I'll meet another nice guy and then one day he'll stop being nice and drop the ball.

I refuse to be in that passenger seat again, so I'll stick with driving my own car until I'm ready to let someone in. Right now I want to keep the doors locked.

He's not my problem anymore. He's not my friend.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

I'm changing this channel. On Monday at work, I'm not mentioning the text. If he does, I'm sticking with meaning it. I'm not excusing it to being drunk.

Like I said, I'm keeping my doors locked. Slip ups happen. Fun nights with bad endings happen. I'm moving on. I have to. Maybe with a little therapy, but it'll happen.

My love life can't peak at 26. I refuse to be a one hit wonder but on the other hand I just want to avoid the hits right now.

Here's Looking At You

2011-02-28T19:47:00.001-08:00

I read in Cosmo recently that if you blow dry your hair while naked, you’ll have higher esteem for your body. Thus your confidence will be noticed by other men and they'll be attracted to you. I liked this idea a lot- looking at yourself in the mirror and appreciating you, and letting it effect the inner self.

I am taking on this challenge, widening its spectrum and putting it into place as many times as I can each day. For me.

Whenever my reflection is near, in a bathroom, against a storefront window or from a glossy phone- I’m going to take the time to appreciate myself. Whether it takes one minute or five, I’m going to wait and watch for my inner smile. It'll be awkward as hell but why not try to turn up the inner esteem dial a bit?

No bad hair day, awkward blemish or tired eyes will stop me. I will push pass any flaws I see, whether they’re visible or not, and I will smile, a real smile.

I’ll think about whatever mistakes I’ve made that day and I’ll leave them in the back of my reflection.

In those moments I give myself, I’ll give myself a break.

Because being ten minutes to late spin class doesn’t mean I didn’t go.

Because eating Girl Scout Cookies isn’t going to ruin my diet.

Because not getting out of bed till 1 on Saturday isn’t tail spinning into a depression, it’s giving my mind a break.

Because cutting out the bad in my life doesn’t make me a bitch, it makes me strong.

Because being human doesn’t mean apologizing for my mistakes, but learning how to tell their stories.

Because I owe it to the last long and hard two years to smile more.

Our Favorite Things

2011-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

For when I need an occasional lift, here are some things that pick me up...go ahead and add your own and we'll have a nice master list for a rainy day:

the diner scene in Benny & Joon

Adele's new CD '21'

all of Mumford & Sons songs

all of The Killers songs

movie trailers

waking up Saturday morning and remembering it's Saturday

napping

blasting music and dancing alone in my room

writing a journal entry in the style of Bridget Jones

Sex & The City

How I Met Your Mother

reading anything/book club

sushi and Buffy on Friday nights

Simon Pegg

Jim Gaffigan

bacon

crunchy peanut butter on a spoon

spin class with great music

putting my hair up in a messy bun at the end of a long day

end of my monthly curse

Jane Austen novels and movie adaptations

Sherlock Holmes

flirting and flirting some more

Mandy Moore movies

Zach Braff

juggling

Groupon

Growing up without sucking

2011-02-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

“There are three types of people in the world- suckers, victims and grownups. Being a grownup means you get to choose your own destiny.” -Instant Star

I’ve spent the last two years being the first two types and I’m pretty fucking tired of it.

It’s a struggle every day to be as self aware as I can be and to go after the things I want- big or small.

It’s so easy to get sucked in and be naive and get taken advantage of.

To sit and do nothing, to not react. To have your mind removed from your body and then beat yourself up over it later.

I’ve wasted nights and good makeup just waiting for things around me to change.

I’ve wasted mornings being frozen in bed just waiting for a reason to start my day.

I need to remember that people don’t change. We are who we are.

And it becomes our own fault for being stuck around sucky situations and sucky people.

Why is it so hard for me to fully realize that my old boyfriend fully sucks?

I need to look at the bigger picture. Drunk, sleaze, workaholic, depressed.

Not in love with me.

Hell, that’s just the small picture.

Any more time I spend being miserable about wanting him or missing him or thinking he’s the only man who’ll ever be able to make me feel whole, well...that makes me a sucker.

The time that was sucked away during our relationship while I was learning about the small picture mentioned above, well that time I was a victim.

I’ve learned though. Though I’m still sorting out how to put my lessons into actions, I’ve learned the difference of who I was and who I am now.

Then, I was someone who couldn’t see past rose colored glasses, and now, I’m someone who knows I’m done being the sucker.

I’m done being the one constantly trying to figure out how to not get hurt again.

The pain will always be there. The victim doesn’t know where the pain comes from, the sucker blames herself for the pain and the grown up learns to deal with the pain and chooses to make it stop.

The grown up accepts that there will be no apology emails or calls, no mysterious flowers from a secret admire, and no guy to chase after you in the rain. The sucker keeps looking and waiting. Well, ladies and gents, I’m done sucking.

Ouch

2011-02-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

Well last night was interesting... After a weekend of hosting friends and family I rallied and joined some coworkers out for karaoke. The group ended up being pretty small and at the end of the night it was me, the old BF, guy coworker and a girl who used to work with us.The old BF got very very drunk. Sloppy and slurry.

I ended up talking to the guy coworker and we both noticed that the other two were talking lower and closer. Our conversation became more superficial as we eavesdropped and realized they were talking about relationships and each other.

He was saying how he respected her and how he’s been burned before. I couldn’t hear the whole conversation but that was the gist of it.

It was getting late at that point and my mood had quickly turned dark. I couldn’t look at him. I was in shock. We all went out into the snow and walked to get taxis. I quickly got in my own and saw him and her getting in one together. I felt like I was watching a bad movie.

This morning I feel empty and angry. Not sad, which I guess is good. The pit in my stomach is turning uneasily and I don’t know what to do. I know it’s been a year and he can do what he wants. But to be in such a small group last night and not even take my feelings into consideration, to me- shows no respect. I want to say something to him. I want to tell him that the end of the night made me uncomfortable. And I’d never do that to him and that if that’s how he’s going to act when we all go out then I don’t want the invite.

I just don’t understand any of it anymore and maybe it’s time to pop back into therapy.

I know I’m awesome and deserve a happy ending but I feel like I’m a million miles away from it. I feel myself getting more closed off and cynical.

I want the relationship I had. I want him to wake up and love me.

I got a text from him this morning that thanked me for coming out last night. I want to write back and say fuck off.

So I’m assuming you’re going to tell me not to call? By the way she’s fat and not pretty. For some reason, it makes me feel worse. Help. I’m now officially stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Stuck Like Glue

2011-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

I’m still here a year later. I don’t mean some dark past premonition of me not being up and kicking. I meant, I’m still here, blogging and figuring out the post relationship pieces of me.

A year ago I was there. And you should know that his tie and the lingerie I wore that night are in a bag in my linen closet. Friends told me I should’ve returned the tie and pocketed the thirty bucks. But I kind of like knowing those things are still around. Like mental reminders that I can flash to.

I think of them now and how they were in the bag I packed for what would be my last weekend at his place. I could barely close that bag. I had over stuffed it with all of my last attempts to put something into the relationship. Instead of verbalizing what I was feeling (cause I didn’t know how) I had over planned for the weekend and set the bar too high. I begged with my eyes, and mentally strained some invisible inner power to reach him that weekend. I had never felt so alone and unloved. It was the first Valentines Day I was in a relationship and it was all a one-sided farce.

Sometimes I'm disgusted with the cowardly blind girl I was. I want to yell back at her 'Do something! Make a ruckus! Yell in his face! Grow a pair!'

A year later, as I spent the day seeing the mailroom deliver flowers and hearing coupley plans spread around the office, I choked up. Not crying with tears choked up, but I literally had a mental cringe and physical ‘ugh’ all day.

A part of me doesn’t believe in love or successful relationships. A part of me fully believes that all relationships fail, whether it’s 25 days in or 25 years. People can’t handle that kind of dedicate intimacy to one person.

A part of me believes that I’ll never get in the dating pool again. I’ll never kiss all those frogs to find a prince. Purely, because I don’t want to waste my time.

A part of me believes that I’ll be on this solo wolf path for awhile and then I’ll meet someone and I won’t even question it. I’ll be wined and dined and dipped by a guy whose older and knows how to kiss and knows how to take down walls and knows how to reassure a girl whose been hit hard. He’ll love me and say it. He’ll make me yell and not tiptoe around him. I’ll make demands and needs. We’ll push and pull each other. And he’ll kiss me first and not later.

A part of me believes that the pain I felt over the last year is still learning how to settle each day.

A part of me believes that he knows what he’s doing when he brings up inside jokes from our relationship, and he’s doing it on purpose to build something between us again.

A part of me believes that he has no idea the pain he stirs up when he brings up inside jokes from our relationship-- which makes a year ago a distant memory that I happily keep more distant each day.

Alright fine!

2011-02-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

Am I happy about how things are and how my nights have been ending?

Well, no.

I'm putting my focus into this new job because I can. And during the day when I get positive feedback, my whole body glows. During the day, I have a purpose. And I don't mind the long hours because I like putting myself into this one thing. I let it take over and push me because I'm learning how to push back and become good.

I'm learning more and more about the sound and level of my own voice in a room filled with half a dozen middle aged men. Them all stopping and listening to what I have to say because I'm the one who moves things forward. I don't hesitate. I worry about mistakes and they do happen. But I move forward as quickly as possible. I handle the next call and next email. Is this how workaholics begin? Probably.

Am I focusing on work maybe a little too much and pushing the other parts of my life onto back burners. Do family and friends just seem like interruptions now? Am I forgetting how to enjoy my self? Yeah.

Am I really allowed to say, 'Well I'm just focusing on work right now. I'm too tired to socialize.'

Yes, BUT- I'm 26 and have no interest in dating. When I think of trying to date and the idea of me being in another relationship, it's as if someone is trying to get me to eat coconut. And I hate coconut. It's an immediate head shake for me. Why? Seriously.

To my own credit I'm pretty and slim and a strong working woman and in all honesty I'm too independent and unobtainable. I'm unreachable and closed off. I'm good at it. It's what I've always been able to do and it's how I function. I look after me, I keep a distance. I have my close friends and for some reason I make everyone else work really hard to get to know me. The old BF got in. And my walls came down. And now they're back up.

And yes, I wish someone pushed for me to go to that dinner. But I don't know what battles to fight right now.

Do I probably need to get good and drink and maybe laid? Do I perhaps need a great kiss or someone to just hold my hand? Do I need to just get out of the damn city or spend more time at the gym? Do I need a hug from my mom or take my head out of my ass? Do I need to hear I Love You or go do hot yoga? I don't know. After close to a 70 hour work week, I'm tired. So someone else please answer my questions well I check out for the weekend.

Ego Check

2011-02-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

I’ve already worked a sixty hour week and it’s not even Friday. I’ve worked my ass off this week getting this project done. Taking over more roles then what’s required, stuck in edit rooms for hours at a time, surrounded by men with ADD and bad food. Tomorrow I’m putting on a dress and heels to remind myself I have estrogen and that fart jokes aren’t funny.

I need to keep my ego in check and I’ll tell you why. I’m the one who needs to double check everything and then check again. I’m still learning this job and this world. It’s easy to get sucked in and think, I know exactly what I’m doing. I deserve all the perks and recognition now. (Especially after this kind of week.)

I didn’t officially get invited to the client dinner tonight (ouch) so in an effort to distract myself after the project wrapped, I went to a coworkers going away party at a bar. I ended my dry month and had two much needed vodka sprites. Many work people were there including J, C and the Chihuahua/L. In between my first and second drink, I looked around and had a very sobering thought, ‘I’m not ready for this.’

It was a little after 9 and the late nighters were already ordering drunken food and starting a dance party. L was already climbing over couches, plopping down next to me and said how badly we needed to hang out cause it had been ‘for-eh-ver!’. I gave her a polite nod. A charming director rep, said he needed to take me out to dinner next week to talk about reels. (Aside, he doesn’t like me, it’s literally his job to take producers out and charm them). C was getting cranky and L was very drunk. A creative director I’ve spoken to twice leaned over to me and said ‘Hey! I know nothing about you. I have 2 kids in college. What’s your story?’

I was getting texts from the old BF who was bored at the client dinner. And yes, he got to go because he covered a shoot. (Another hit to my ego, especially cause he’s been on the account 2 weeks) I was getting texts from one of my creatives saying how I should’ve come to dinner because they were eating and drinking like kings and getting very drunk. At that point, I had already left the bar and was heading home.

Even though I know no one in a happy relationship and last post I started to show my growing loneliness in not having a man to pick me up, it felt great tonight, when I could excuse myself from the group and get my coat and leave, without having to tell anyone why.

There was not one single person there who I needed to say goodbye to. I didn’t need to talk about work anymore, I didn’t need to have another drink and dance, especially with people that I don’t feel the night to say goodbye to. I forgot how good it feels to leave the party early, especially on your own terms.

I made a choice. For the sake of my ego pushing and pulling at me, for the sake of me wanting a golden plaque with my name on it now, for the sake of me fighting for genuine people in my life when this industry is filled with title droppers, I made a choice.

I’m going to do my job well but the rest will be on my own terms. For example, I’ll push to get invited to that client dinner, when I’m running shoots and the client actually knows my name. Until then, I’ll double check everything and check it again and accept that sometimes after a seventy hour week, having 2 drinks, saying polite hellos without my life story and being in bed by 10 is all that I need on a Thursday night.

Dear Subconscious....You aren't helping reality!

2011-01-31T06:04:00.000-08:00

I put in an 11 hour day at work yesterday. I was uptown at an edit, working with the creatives mostly via phone. It was a long yet productive day.

The old BF texted me in the afternoon asking if I wanted him to bring in another comic book for me Monday. He's been loaning me comic books since Walking Dead got on the air and I needed to catch up. I don't even say thank you anymore and I treat it the same way I do the public library. I replied Yes and suggested a couple titles. Ten minutes later I get another text from him:

'Sunday + Drinking = Dangerous'

I replied back:

'Sunday + Working = less dangerous.'

He then started asking me about what I was working on and how it was going. Next he offered to come in and help. I said no thank you. Then he asked if I needed a second pair of eyes. I said I was actually wearing my glasses so I have four. All set.

I wanted to mention to him that our internet kept flaking out so maybe he could do something about that. As if he was a technician and not producer. It would've been nice to hang out with him on a Sunday but he had been drinking and I was in work mode.

Last text from him- I have your back if you need.

Cut to this morning when I remember my dream.

I was in the edit suit with him and he was working on the internet problem. No one else was around. He was looking at all sorts of equipment and with a pouty face he concluded that 'my battery was dead and I needed a new one'. We both reached for the door knob at the same time and we ended up holding hands. He pulled me to him and we started making out. Ugh!

Great way to start a Monday huh?

Snowy Daze

2011-01-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Today was a long, twelve hour non-stop work day filled with a lot of good work that I felt great about when the day wrapped around 8PM. Tonight was me rushing to get out of work, not having time to change or freshen up for dinner, and still being fifteen minutes late. If my taxi driver hadn’t stopped in the middle of the street to help a snowbound, broken down taxi then I might’ve been on time. The restaurant was posh and they served expensive drinks in coconut shells. The waiters were dressed in white jackets and there was a rum drinking fountain next to the bathroom. Welcome to Park Avenue.

I organized the dinner of my gay guy friend J, who I also work with and Z, a newer friend who works in the same industry as J and I. We talked shop for most of the night and ate really amazingly good food. I drooled over their drinks as they ordered seconds. I miss drinking. The conversation swung towards gossip and then about our families and college. Dating came up of course next.

I was tired from the long day and wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything fun- not the Brit and not my old BF. Not even the blowjob workshop I went to.

So when asked why I wasn’t dating anyone I just said ‘I don’t want to right now.” And I couldn’t muster the energy to explain anything else. I want to be okay with not dating right now but I’m not. I know it should be fine that I’m not trying and not open to it. I can’t muster the words ‘Do you know anyone single?’ to my friends.

I should be able to say, well I’ll be ready when I’m ready. But I feel like those excuses are cop outs. I don’t know what I want. Maybe a shag with the Brit will set me back on track in one set direction?

I was too tired to fight over the music to get in long winded anecdotes. So I was more of a comment girl tonight. My friend J got so overexcited about gossip and kept interrupting me. At one point I said ‘Can you PLEASE just let me finish my sentence!?’

I had a headache by the end of the night and lazily told Z that I’d call her for coffee next week. Instead of pushing to sort out my non-drinking side of the bill, I didn’t fight when J said we’d all split it evenly. I told them they each owed me drinks when I was back off the wagon.

During my five minute walk home, I fell on ice and started crying.

I lied on the cold, wet sidewalk for five minutes, not being able to move and literally whimpered. I wish I had been drunk. But I was sober and sad. All I wanted was someone to call and cry to. Someone to pick me up and help me walk the rest of the way home, which suddenly felt very long. I hobbled down 3 more streets and cried.

I could say that I was proud of myself that I got up alone after another big fall but that’s not how I felt. I wanted to be held and warmed in someone’s arms. I could say that the pain wasn’t that bad and I learned to watch my step. But the pain hurt all over and I was watching each step.

Future Present

2011-01-21T21:01:00.000-08:00

Another Friday night after a long week of work plus battling the end of a cold and the end of my period. My sleep this week was interrupted with texts from the Brit wanting me to come over. I see this role being presented to me (though on pause till my libido is avail again) and I can't help but being attracted to it. Me- calling the shots of when and where and what. Being able to wear my sexy lingerie again and being seduced or be the seducer. I know it won't be the same. The touch and feel from him won't have that connection that I learned and took comfort in, a million years ago.

A year ago in February- does it feel like a year ago to you guys? It's weird to look back on. I see that old part of myself that got broken off by him, and the new part that took me inches and long moments to grow on my own. It grew back, stronger for sure- but definitely in a different shape then before. I'm not rushing the healing process and I know I'm still in it. My ego, my heart, my trust, my confidence was all broken down because of him. In one twenty minute one-sided conversation at the Starbucks next to my apartment, he ruined the past year and my favorite Starbucks in that one sitting.

I go to a Borders now and sometimes a place in the Village. I don't think about that Starbucks. I've had better coffee since then.

Tonight my flannels were on by 8:30 and I had my knitting and tea to comfort me as I switched through my Tivo and filled up on cold medicine. I got a text from my friend M who needed outfit advice as she prepped for a dinner. She sent me a pic of what she was wearing- all black with great jewelry. She didn't need any advice, she looked great and ready for the night. An hour later I get a text from her saying she's outside my apartment.

I invite her up and am very confused at the short dinner. She clarifies that she hasn't gone yet and her 10PM reservations were now 10:20PM cause her date was running late. He's a lawyer, she explains, 34 and set up through a friend. This was their second date.

She was hoping that he was telling the truth- that the dinner was delayed because he got out of work late, and not that he had made a date prior to theirs. She had just met him so trust was still hovering over questionable. She left fifteen minutes later and made her way to the restaurant where he was delayed further. I'm hoping he made it up to her.

Is this how dating is now for girls? You get ready early and at your best, hoping the guy is telling the truth from the start but always seeing where the lies can fit in? You wait for hours, hoping that the wait is worth it just for one good meal, to see some glimmer of the good guy in a stranger?

My biggest fear is that if and when I start to put out that energy and hope again, that it won't be worth it for a long time.