I was sitting on my bed and holding a fuzzy pillow and staring at my phone.
I was drinking water, trying to find my voice again. Sentences went around and around in my head.
Twenty minutes ago I had a 3 minute conversation with the boyfriend/old ex-boyfriend.
I had called 4 of my girlfriends and patiently waited for them to call me back. I needed a sounding board.
It was already past 11 on Monday night. I didn’t look forward to trying to sleep tonight.
The sentences turned around and around in my head. I started to wonder if my own voice was ever going to come back.
Three years ago, I would’ve continued to have a loopy one-sided conversation for days. Three years ago, my heart would’ve continued to race and sweat until I got dizzy. Three years ago, I would’ve taken an Ativan and turned off my phone.
And then I realized 1 thing. I didn’t need to have a 1 sided conversation anymore. I didn't need to play how/what/why with my girlfriends for hours. This isn’t three years ago. Three years ago has got to stay in three years ago.
My hand became steady and I exhaled. I called him back. I said the words as they came to me. I started with ‘I’m stuck in my head and need to talk it out.’
I’m horrible at these conversations. I’m horrible with being honest about my feelings about things that bother me. I’m used to just dealing with bad outcomes rather than working through a problem.
We’re in the same boat right now. And it’s terrifying and eye opening and heart breaking and heart mending at the same time.
Friday night we had a five hour long date and were the last ones in the restaurant. It was pretty damn great.
At one point during the night, the topic turned sideways. He said the following ‘Can I tell you about something I’ve been discussing with my therapist?’
And he opened up. Three years ago this wouldn’t have happened.
We would’ve kept dancing politely around each other, desperately trying to not rock the boat. And three years ago, though we were both unhappy with ourselves and each other, we didn’t speak up until there was nothing left to the relationship.
After he was done talking and I was done listening, he exhaled and ended with 'That was really hard for me to say.'
I'm not going to go into details on what he shared with me but overall nothing he said was totally new information to me. We had already discussed the top of the iceberg of what was going on and now was the harder part, the murky, hidden parts below the surface.
We spent the weekend together and had a great time. We were social as a couple and then had lazy time. We started making plans for the week when he drove me to the train. Tonight, while on the phone something he said bothered me. I hurriedly got off the phone.
Then twenty minutes later I called him back. And explained my confusion and asked for more answers and asked him to tell me how he was feeling.
Three years ago, this wouldn't have happened. I’m not saying we’ve had a break through but tonight I realized that some time in the last 8 months with him, I decided to become an adult. And realized that decision isn’t exactly an uphill battle or roller coaster, but more like the tea cup ride at DisneyLand.
There are times where you’re both spinning the wheel in the same direction and the dizziness puts you both in a high, and then there are times -whether you realize it or not- you're taking turns pulling the wheel in the opposite direction so you both slow down to sort out what's going on.
We're in the pull part right now. And like I said, it's challenging but that's also why I have multiple fluffy pillows on my bed.