Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
The one thing we can depend on is things changing. When life starts to feel too static and I can’t see any movement ahead, I look at the 10 day forecast for relief. The temperature will rise and fall, it’ll change, it’ll effect you and sometimes that’s all you need.
I’m amazed at how things do change though, with us pushing or pulling or miles away, the change happens.
People who were barely in your life at one point, now permanent fixtures. You mess up and they’re still there now. A new friend. When before you were strangers in the hallway, not even blinking in the same direction.
Then there’s other people, the ones who by definition were always supposed to be there for you, the ones who were supposed to know and love you the best through it all, shockingly, now- you cant find a reason to pick up the phone and call. The connection to them feels empty and somber, like a volume that you can’t bring yourself to turn up, so you let it stay silent.
You change. You change for the better, you change for the worst, each day. You let other people in, all the way in, and you try not to worry if they’ll be gone tomorrow. You let some people go because you know they’ll disappoint you when it matters most, or maybe they already have. You let some people go because you know you’ll disappoint them when it matters most, even if they don’t know it yet.
You care about the little things less and laugh at the big things as you shake your head at another rainy sky. You walk taller and answer to yourself more. You get more comfortable with the lows and you rejoice in the highs. You take the time for quiet and you take the time for loudness. You push yourself and look for new adventures, a new best friend, a new crush, a new story to tell.
You get okay with failing and understand it’s just you, learning. You learn to smile at your reflection with no makeup on. You say sorry less and own your own faults. You start to love dancing alone and singing loud. You take less time for the people who make you doubt yourself and more time for you. You feel good about feeling good.
You become you, with change.
Or as I like to call it-- that identical feeling that’s in that scene in Bridget Jones when she’s walking over the Thames Bridge with no cigarette, post break up and that really happy music is playing when the wind picks up. You know what I mean??
Monday, March 7, 2011
The end of a relationship is a massive loss- it doesn’t matter where the ending comes from. A loss is a loss, living or dead.
I compare the end of my first relationship to losing a glove. But not just any glove, no. This glove was part of a pair of gloves, an expensive, high quality Burberry, went through a NYC winter pair of gloves. A warm buzz went through me every time I put on those gloves and I knew each time I was comforted that they’re value went up.
I lost one glove one night. It was almost exactly one year after my relationship ended, during that awkward, uneasy is it winter or spring period in March. And though I kept on thinking the glove would turn up, a part of me knew it was gone. All I had left over was the other glove. It was useless. It’s value dropped to below zero.
Each time I saw it, all it did was remind me that it used to be a part of a pair. And then I got a rush of the feel good warmth I had when I wore both gloves. I’d get angry and frustrated and sad thinking of what I lost. All the time and energy I put into finding the glove didn’t matter. All the time I had wearing those gloves felt like a waste.
I hated feeling sad about losing the other glove and having to stare down at it’s remnants. I reminded myself that the weather was changing and I didn’t really need the gloves anymore. The worst of the winter is over and really, I didn’t need a pair of gloves till next season. It didn’t matter if I had the other glove or not. I didn’t need them. They meant nothing to me.
I began to look at my first boyfriend this way. I keep him in my life at a safe, yet close distance on a daily basis. I responded to his inside jokes and winks. And I’m in a constantly reminder of our relationship and everything I felt, and I’d get confused by the loss. He’s still here, he’s just missing this other part. I lied to myself in thinking I didn’t need that other part.
We all need that other part. It completes the warmth, the support and buzz we feel when we really have someone in our lives. Anything short of that other part is a total waste.
So what did I do? What did that final text mean from the other night? What was my drunken self really doing?
I was getting rid of the other glove that I still owned and getting ready for Spring. Because who needs a constant reminder of how bad a winter was when storefronts are showing open-toed shoes?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Don't be mad at me. I told you this wasn't going to be an easy road for me.
But I went out last night for his bday with coworkers and got very drunk and upset (again).
The good news is I barely talked to him and actually soaked up the attention of the guy mentioned in this post.
I talked to everyone but him and had a great time, mostly.
I need to learn to leave the party early once I realize I'm having a good time.
Staying till the end of the night has clearly been getting me nowhere.
Lesson #94983 in being an adult.
We left the bar and went to a karaoke suite. There was more beer. I kept drinking.
Mainly because that girl and him kept getting closer. I was disgusted.
I focused on the 'maybe guy' and beer. The latter started turning on me.
You'd think I still had feelings for him but that's really not where my anger and frustration is coming from. It's the fact that I saw myself where the girl was standing. Him, trying to push her away cause he was trying to be discreet around coworkers.
I watched from a distance as he got drunker and drunker and honestly didn't really seem all the happy. There was no genuine smile to be found. It's as if someone gave him a costume to wear that he feels stuck in.
At the end of the night I convinced that girl to walk with me because we live in the same neighborhood.
When we got to her corner, he appeared. They planned this.
I was drunk and played stupid.
I asked if he was going to the train station and he said yes. I said goodnight and turned around.
I shouldn't have turned back around. But again, I was drunk and stupid.
And apparently really like emotional pain with beer.
They were making out in front of her building and I watched. It was painful but some reason my brain couldn't get my feet to move. I've never seen anything so unattractive. They looked like two fat otters gnawing at each other.
They went into her apartment.
I called my guy friend S and cried to him. Then I texted you know who and said 'I don't wan't to be friends moving forward. Please don't email me or text.'
He wrote back right away and said 'Understand.'
Here's my problem. Alright there's clearly more then one here.
I'm still wrapping my head around being dropped a year ago. And now that he's shacking up and being sleazy, I feel like he's dropping me over and over again each time.
To me- his actions are saying- he'd rather be this much of a mess then attempt to fix things with me a year ago. He picked misery. And now I'm seeing it the true light.
I don't want to be with him. I don't. He's a workaholic and a total mess.
I just don't like not being picked. I don't like being rejected. And I still don't understand how the same guy who got me through my grandmother's death and parent's separation, can be the same guy I see now.
I want an explanation.
That's where therapy will come in.
I also need therapy to get me to stop grimacing about the idea of dating.
Right now, I don't see the point. I'll meet another nice guy and then one day he'll stop being nice and drop the ball.
I refuse to be in that passenger seat again, so I'll stick with driving my own car until I'm ready to let someone in. Right now I want to keep the doors locked.
He's not my problem anymore. He's not my friend.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.
I'm changing this channel. On Monday at work, I'm not mentioning the text. If he does, I'm sticking with meaning it. I'm not excusing it to being drunk.
Like I said, I'm keeping my doors locked. Slip ups happen. Fun nights with bad endings happen. I'm moving on. I have to. Maybe with a little therapy, but it'll happen.
My love life can't peak at 26. I refuse to be a one hit wonder but on the other hand I just want to avoid the hits right now.