Sunday, June 27, 2010

A Brit

I went out with a high school friend on Saturday night who was in town for the weekend. We were with her friends, most of whom I didn’t know. I thought I’d get psyched up for some socializing while I was getting dressed, but not even my new pink pumps could put me in the mood for small talk and beer. After dinner we went to a bar downtown and I marveled at snagging a seat at the bar. My friend sat down next to me and her group of about 6 people circled around her. I was left on the outside and kind of happy about it because my mood slowly started to go down. I started blowing straws across the bar and got some quirky looks from some guys but was really in my own little world.

I promise you I do have manners and can socialize. But I’m the kind of person who can’t be forced into small talk, not even to be polite when I’m not in the mood.

I don’t know how or why but I started talking to this guy next to me. We’ll call him A. He immediately got points for having an English accent and for being a cutie and noticeably older. He was thirty and works in finance and a big fan of vodka sodas and Guinness.

We talked for the rest of the night. He introduced me to his friend who was quite drunk and at the point of swaying. Since I didn’t care to impress either of these guys I was my normal, sarcastic self which really intrigued A. It felt good to flirt and joke and be mysterious and then blatantly honest. And then back to mysterious. What can I say- it’s how I reel them in.

A was funny. Drunk. But funny. He kept on calling me Marmaduke, which I thought was just the right amount of awkward funny that I like. Around 2AM, A asked me to go to another bar. But at that point I explained I was tired but I really liked talking to him and wouldn’t mind getting together sometime. Why not cut through the crap right?

A took my number and said he’d call me this week to get dinner. He leaned in for a kiss and I gave in. Nothing crazy, just a polite, friendly flirty goodbye kiss.

So we’ll see, it looks like I’ve started at least somewhere and slowly getting off of ground zero...I’m cynical about meeting guys in bars though and find it highly unrealistic that you can actually meet a genuine guy in a bar. But fuck it, he was cute and tall and had an accent. So the worst that can happen- he doesn’t call and I continue to read self help books.

Friday, June 25, 2010


I guess my most recent facebook stalking was successful. (lie)

He's no longer listed as single. He took that status off. This was something I mentioned to him once while we were together. And he said he barely used facebook anyway (which is true) and he really didn't know what his status was. I didn't bring it up again. So he remained single on facebook. I stopped caring about it because it is just facebook. My own status was taken off a long time ago cause I just didn't want to deal with it being there.

So any guesses as to why now he removed the status now? Please don't state the obvious, it hurts too much. I'm looking for you to use your imagination here to make me feel better. Suggestions immediately welcome.

For example, maybe he doesn't want people to know that he's single?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Push or pull

I received a call from an upset friend at work today. We've been in the same traumatic breakup boat for awhile now. Paddling along, swapping bad days and worse days stories. She's been better than me at putting herself out there and showing her guy she still cares. She's better at putting her plans into action then I am. I just ponder and then act indifferent during face time. She says I read too many self help books.

Things took a turn for the worse though today when he texted her saying he would hang out with her but he's seeing someone else. I didn't know what to tell her. I prescribed pajamas and booze immediately.

I've been shutting out my feelings and desires for my old bf, literally I kind of managed to numb myself out and ignore the whole situation. I've been doing well with it. Simple work talk only. Nothing too friendly. No chance for vulnerability or closeness. I haven't been bringing him up to friends or my mother. Just letting it be and not pushing or pulling in any direction. I got highlights, I'm making plans and cutting back on drinking. I'm faking it till I make it. I'm going shopping and digging for some natural endorphins so I don't get stuck in the sad muck again.

I had a slight mental freak out today when we ended up walking back into the office at the same time. We exchanged simple hellos as he held the door open and then my mind kind of shut off. Anything I normally would have said that was witty or friendly got stuck in my throat. It was just awkward as I walked past him and felt the sticky butterflies take over. So much I wanted to say, and yet- nada.

Then I get the call from my friend. And I thought two things.

1. I don't know what I'd do if I found out he was seeing someone. It'd be like that one sliver of hope, that gut feeling, butterfly getting, heart string tugging, the pain is worth the gain spec of faith in love I have left, would be squashed and I'd be dropped again to the deserted island for one. And my polite cynicism would turn into full on spinster bitterhood and I'd buy a cat.

2. My friend received the worse kind of rejection after putting herself out there. A positive being hit with a negative. Am I warped to think that if I put out some positive efforts to my guy that maybe perhaps, in the weird balance of the world, I'd get a positive back since I negative was just sent out?

I leave it up to you my blogger buddies, do I continue to search for feel good feelings until one day I don't need to search but always wonder what if or do I put out all the positives I can muster in his direction and give it my all and just deal with what comes back?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Not Laughing Yet

I know one day I'll look back at these Saturday nights that I end up alone scrubbing my bathtub stone cold sober and laugh. It may be a bitter, uneasy laugh, but I'm sure I'll laugh. Don't think that the thought of being crazy drunk while scrubbing the bathtub didn't cross my mind, but I'm really trying hard to not drink whenever I get depressed. And I suppose it's safe to say that I've been feeling rather down lately. I've been spending a lot of time alone, unintentionally but nonetheless alone.

My friends have been frustrating recently, very unreliable and flakey. I'm the kind of friend who likes to give advice, problem solve and be there. I'm the one who picks up the phone for the 2AM drunken, crying phone calls. But for some reason when I try to reach out, I don't get the support I'm looking for. And it's becoming exhausting the more I try to reach out.

Not sure what kind of support I need these days- a push to start dating again or help in plotting on getting him back. In either case, it's summer in the city and I'm tired of sweating and sleeping alone. I know who I want in my bed and it's been four months. Will I still be feeling this way four months from now? Will I be laughing yet?

I hate getting this glum before SNL is even on...maybe I'll paint my nails or find some frozen yogurt. Maybe I just need someone to slap me and say 'Snap out of it!'

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Shallow Moves

I check his facebook page probably every day and I know I'm not the only old girlfriend to do this.

Whenever he becomes friends with a new female I feel a giant wave of relief when I see that their married or in a relationship. It's especially good when their partner is in their profile pic with them.

When I realize some of them are cute single twenty something year olds, well I cringe and hope they're fat in real life. I'll admit that it's become my daily evil thought. So far all of them have been mutual friends with other people that I know at work, so he's just meeting people through vendors. As long as none of them have gone to comic con, dig the muppets and lost then I see no immediately threat.

Do I of course, need to friend as many males as possible just in case he stalks my fb? Umm...yes!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Firsts and Lasts

The relationship has turned into two parts- the beginning and the end. All of the firsts and all of the lasts. Everything in the middle is just blurry routine fluff.

I think about the first kiss, the first phone conversation, the first time we slept together, the first time he saw me cry, the first time I met his friends as his girlfriend, the first time he started leaving cookies at my desk...

And then more recently I think about all the lasts. Especially this time of year where annual festivals and parties have started to swing back around. We were at the peak heat of our relationship. Now, I find myself making up excuses about being sick and not being able to attend these parties because let's face it- the flashbacks would be a tad too much to handle. Add in the free booze that comes with these things and I'd have a relapse.

I think about the lasts less, but I still think about them.
I can't remember the last time he really kissed me. But the last time we talked on the phone...I told him I needed space. The last time we slept together...he couldn't keep it up. But I know the last time he saw me was because of him. The last time we went out with his friends... they noticed he was less affectionate. And the last time he left cookies on my desk...fuck. I think there was snow on the ground.

I like thinking about the firsts more. And I get stuck thinking if I'm ever going to let anyone else have firsts with me and let them really be firsts without thinking of him. Will every kiss just end up being not his?

The biggest thing about this relationship was how much I changed when I was with him and that's obviously a bad thing since at the end I lost my independence for the sake of the relationship.
But in the other hand, while I changed, I learned about myself a great deal because of that natural comfort level I had with him. Even the little things like letting him walk me through a crowd and carry my bag helped me become vulnerable and let someone in. Which I honestly didn't think I was capable of before him.

He helped me become more comfortable with myself, especially during sex. I turned into a woman who loved the pre-teeth brushing morning sex when before with guys, I'd actually put makeup on again before they woke up. I turned into a woman who let the guy bring her coffee in bed. I turned into a woman who let someone else play on her team for once.

It's not fun to go back to being your own cheerleader especially on days where you tell yourself you didn't get out of bed because it was your choice to be a lazy bum...and ignore the fact that you just didn't feel like going through another day of trying to cheer for yourself.

Plus, my mother called me and said she thinks I should start dating again.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Bitter Betty

I don't complain. Okay, well I don't complain until I hear complaints about things that aren't really problems but people making little things more difficult.

I'm fortunate and I know this. Hell, I just came from volunteering at a black tie event, in a killer dress, and drinking champagne all night.
I have a steady job, my independence from my family and good health. I am constantly focusing on my passions and the woman I want to be. I'm lucky.

But when I have to sit and listen to a friend bitch about the second guy in one week to ask her out and put moves on her, 'even though (gasp) she thought they were just friends and is really confused', I want to yell and hit something.

Though I'm doing well (note- better than fine but not good) and I still have my down moments,
I can't help but be reminded that I'm on my own little island as I focus on my passions and the woman I want to be and most of the times it's lonely as fuck. So I'm sorry if I really have nothing to say as you try to figure out why soandso tried to kiss you and if getting drinks with the other whathisname is a date or not.
Let me help you out- he likes you and (gasp) so does the other guy.

And stop telling me my ex is an ass. I have to see him everyday and play nice and ignore his flirty winks- believe me- I know he's a clueless self absorbed ass AND he's gained weight. But the damn butterflies are still there, so don't look at me for encouragement on your dating life right now.